I just got a job naming lipstick. Let me know what you think of my ideas: Awesome Anal Fuckable Baby Bloated Corpse Coercive Sex Wretched Cunt Kiss Me Cousin

The most beautiful pairing of words in the English language: dick cheese

Me: Sorry about my lipstick. I had to try on this stain I bought today. Client: You never have to apologize for wearing lipstick. Me: Yeah, but when I wear it, I feel like I'm making the whole session about me and my bold lip.

"Nevaeh!" - Every mom in Hobby Lobby

I was driving home from the airport at 3am, and there was a guy in the crosswalk wearing a bear onesie. I jumped to lock my car door. A ski mask would've been less unsettling.

Agree or disagree: Balls are webbed

Driving through town, blasting the A Walk to Remember soundtrack.

Women announce they're gonna cry like men announce they're gonna come.

What do we think about this - sometimes dick jokes told by men put women in a position of having to be like oh ha ha when really it's uncomfortable that I now have to think about your dick. Not a joke! Want thoughts!

Have you ever given yourself the ick? I read something sincere and sappy I wrote years ago, and I want to throw myself down a flight of stairs

What religion are you? I'm crischin

I binge everything: food, tv, video games, exercise, cleaning, friendship. I shovel it in until I can't stand to look at it!!

Martin Short is like cilantro. So many people adore him, but to me, he tastes like dirt.

Does John Early look like Ryan Gosling, or are they both just blonde?

I can't wait to be a grandpa's girlfriend who all the grandkids dislike

I hate anxiety! I was just drinking paint and I got this awful feeling that it has lead in it, even though I know I would never buy lead drinking paint, but the feeling just gnawed at me until I checked. I wish I could just be normal and enjoy my paint.

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes... what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

Shitting in silence, she crabs her notebook and writes, "Please kiln me now."

responding to coworker's banter with a charged Heavy attack

Animal cruelty is when my cat is mean to me.

I'd be pope remotely if they cared to ask me.

bro they are turning your story into a parable about folly

give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves for a day, teach them enough rope and they'll hang themselves for a lifetime

Mark L. Walberg walked so Michael B. Jordan could run.

In 2016, Beyonce was a lot like my Aunt Connie when she used to ask for a big side of lemon slices at restaurants - No one realized she was making Lemonade.

Shawn said it's his dream to be "The Patient"-ed by me. So essentially, tied to a cozy spot, not allowed to leave the house or go to work, and I bring him coffee and chinese food routinely. I'm gonna talk a lot about Kenny Chesney too though so it's not all sunshine and rainbows!!

It’s not at all that I want to be dead, it’s that I wish dying were like in Super Mario Brothers where you got to start over fresh with a better idea of what to avoid.

dragging bags of trash up to the old wardrobe in my attic and tossing them into narnia

Every woman in every movie should be carrying her purse at all times. If she isn't, we need a line of dialogue to explain why not.

I'm like, children? And the universe is like, cantaloupe farm!!!

Two books I've read recently have mentioned cantaloupe farms. I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something, but I'm like NOPE, YOU CAN MOVE ON FROM THAT ONE, IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

I'm 2 hours into Psycho on audiobook. Man, this dude's mom is CRAZY!!!

I just spoke with an Australian veterinarian so of course my afternoon is now going to be spent acting as my own dialect coach.

Riddle: he's a lonely boy though he has two family members to play with. In birth order, he's both the oldest and the youngest. He hates himself despite being his mother's favorite child. How can this be?

My first thought upon waking up this morning was "I forgot George Clooney had a pet pig." My sleeping brain gets shit done.

If I die please take comfort in knowing that I don't care that much

Medium Magician: Is this your card? Rube: Yes, wow, the Queen of Hearts. Medium Magician: Now check your shirt pocket. Rube: *Pulls out a folded piece of paper.* It's the name of my mom's bf who killed himself in front of me. Medium Magician: That's right. And he's here with us right now.