Has Mike Johnson ever considered holding his daily presser an hour later to give him time to read a paper?

I can tell* my building management company uses Ai because it always spells my name correctly in texts and emails, and humans have about a 15% error rate *it's also in the fine print at the bottom

So, perfection. Well, I'm convinced. Sign me up

Chocolate covered Ritz are back. I got the last 2 boxes at the store, but now that I know they're around, I'll be prowling grocery stores to add to my stash

I feel better about my housekeeping now, for some odd reason.

The unhoused who hang out behind my apt building have started Really upping their asks. Instead of Spare a dollar? it's Hey, can you buy me a cappuccino? Can you buy me a pack of cigs? Can you buy me a large hot chocolate and a pastry? I can't afford cappuccinos for myself!

It's oddly pleasing that JG Wentworth is just reusing their old commercials instead of wasting money on making new ones with AI or influencer clips. Makes them seem more venerable & trustworthy. Like a lawyer with tailor-made mends to his cuffs, it cost too much the first time to just trash.

If my job led me to being one of the three armed police officers that it took to hold down an inflatable penis protesting fascism, I’d start questioning my life choices.

Had to tell a 9 mo. pregnant server that no, she didn't have to work her husband's shift, her maternity leave is a Leave of Absence, not just going down to fewer hours. He clearly pressured her to work, because my refusal to let her got me an all-caps thank you from her. God, he's such an asshole!

Shout out to the top 5 kings in the world, Martin Luther, Larry, Don, Stephen and Americans don't have a motherfuckin'.

Every so often, I get a bottle of Diet Pepsi that clearly came through the line to the syrup dispenser when it was almost empty. Same amount of carbonated water though. Diluted Diet Pepsi is just brown soda water. Quite unpleasant

me at work: fuck it I'm just going to half ass this if they fire me who fucking cares me at home: fuck fuck fuck why did I half ass that I am going to get fired and starve to death and fucking die

THESE THINGS SHOULD NOT BE TOUCHING THERE IS AN ENTIRE NOVEMBER BETWEEN THEM

I did the math. It'd take me 100-200 days to eat a Reese's pumpkin that weighed 40k. What do I do come springtime tho?

The store didn't have Skippy so I had to get jif. And I found out this is an Absolutely Trash peanut butter. Doesn't taste like peanuts at all. Just slightly sweet mush. If this is what gets exported to the UK, I now completely understand the GBBO judge reactions when the bakers used peanut butter

How likely is it that my set schedule, which this yr. gets me X-mas off, remains set if the GM also wants X-mas eve off? I work a 5-on, 2-off split but I have a feeling that my days off that week are going to be picket-fenced.

I has a diner server who had only ever seen me in a certain hat when bf & I went in. One day, I went in w/ no hat, and she was AWFUL to us. We asked why, and same thing. He was "cheating on me" and she didn't approve! I whipped out the hat, grinned at her, and we were best friends again

Using modern materials science, textile manufacturing, and heating systems engineering to achieve levels of snug&cozy undreamed of by my ancestors

Sometimes when god closes a ‘you’re too old to be eating crayons’ door he opens a ‘but here’s some candy corn’ window

Practicing saying An-tho-cyanins because my 4-field school training wants me to put an extra r in there & say Anthro-cyanin. That's a Vegas musical act, not the pigments in plants

Not the first time a tyrant has been plagued by frogs.

The Tylenol in me recognizes and honors the circumcision in you. Namautisticste. 🙏🏾.

Look, I was all in for the taco trucks, but if they wanna imagine us sweetening the deal….

The housefly that invaded on Wed has FINALLY been evicted. Still alive, but no longer buzzing irritatingly round my head.

ICE wasn’t prepared to face amphibious units.

I would like to live in a castle and be able to throw a 90mph curveball, and I have made the same progress towards those aspirations as our president* has on his.

They’re using American tax dollars to fund infrastructure in Argentina because that’s where they’re all going to flee when we kick them out of office

You know you're adapting to life with ADHD when you start purchasing Thanksgiving stuff 2 months prior, as spontaneously as you think about it, because you know if you write it down instead you'll just lose the list.

Not the bollards fault that drivers don't READ THE FUCKING SIGNS

I do not accept this. The midnight snack is a ritual, not a choice. There is a set order to the ritual. The fridge opens. The cheese comes out. The crackers are gathered.

Specifically, the "vanilla" flavored Burnett's. It was disturbingly..thick.

She’s left us no choice. It’s time for Isaac Chotiner to interview Bari Weiss.

As a Rockies fan, I agree. Why does everyone else get to watch a baseball game and feel joy instead of pure heatbreak and despair?

I realize that i need to leave for work in exactly 2 hrs, but...what i didn't? What if I took a shower, got dressed, grabbed my purse, and got on a train? I'd get off at the next stop because train noises are awful. Squeals, chunka-chunka, people watching music videos w/o headphones, more squeals

Saturday was 75 degrees. Yesterday was 67. Today's high is 54. CO just fast-fowards thru autumn, like it's a series of skippable and unskippable ads you have to get through until the main event, WINTER!

Ok, so lots of women, inc. me, have that one single long hair that appears, overnight!, on either your chin, cheek, or upper lip. Do bearded men have a corresponding single missing hair in their beards and moustaches and we just never notice it?

i just think that for something to be eugenicist the thing you're talking about has to have genes

In the American system of government, a legislature of the people’s elected representatives decide how to allocate the people’s money, then an unelected appointee in the executive branch called “OMB Director” decides if he feels like distributing the people’s money that way or if he’d rather not.

NEORSD are fans of The MERL? *swoons slightly* *recovers* *swoons again*

Another successful wine pairing! Last one of the year was yesterday. Now, I have 19 days to finalize planning, prep, and present the final cocktail class of the year. Then there's almost 8 full weeks where I'm not planning an event!!!! That's what I call a holiday!

Putting up an elaborate cork board with strings and pins. See, my apt. building uses an ai named Hailey to respond to emails/ maintenance requests. There's a Hailey here who's arguing that being anti-ai is just bigotry. Did Maxx create an account for it so they could surveil residents thru Bluesky?!

You, doomer: if Trump is putting himself on money it means the law against putting living people on coins is broken Me, hope-pilled: what if, by the time the coins are minted, him being on them no longer violates the law

look. there's no "us" in torment nex—. ok fine. there's no "me" in torm—

Goddamn do I miss the years when I could sort-of regulate my temperature, and if I couldn't, I was just cold. Cold is easy! Now it's like I'm living the chorus of a Katy Perry song. I'm hot then I'm cold (repeat ♾)

I will open champagne when Trump gets what's coming to him. I will toast Miller's facing justice with some expensive liquor (Scotch or Cognac, probably). But Vought? I will just do a shot of voughtka and spit in the sink.

It took 2 hours, cleaning my entire living room, and moving 3 pieces of furniture, but I FOUND MY GLASSES!

Sitting under a ceiling fan and thinking about turning on the A/C when I get an email from my building. Good news! They're turning the heat on tomorrow. Everyone above the 2nd floor is going to cook for a month until it's actually cold.

WE KNOW. WE'VE TRIED. IT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE. SOMEHOW. I suspect he bribed Paul.

Well in advance. Like 20 ft