I get far too tense when the Play-doh colours get mixed together. It’s definitely a me up-tight problem, I know this, BUT COULD YOU FUCKIN NOT

A glorious winter sunrise in Richmond Park. 🌅

I’m in Cheltenham this morning, if anyone wants their stucco facade elaborately ornamented with a decorative frieze

Little baby toad seeking refuge from Storm Bert

Shoutout to the woman who walked into a packed Superdrug and shouted ‘CHRIST, WHAT NOW???’ at the lock screen of her ringing phone, before calmly answering it.

What could be causing this?! Truly, it is a mysterious ailment.

My son chose Back Track, Britain’s leading historical railway journal, as the thing he could have today. He can’t read - steadfastly refuses - but we have discussed cutting out some pictures and sticking them to his bedroom wall

I’m eating a carton of soup which apparently contains 50% of my RDA of salt

@captainfanny.co.uk @ridiculousrebecca.bsky.social I finally found my cords! (due to my go to jeans getting a ripped knee at soft play) They aren’t racing green at all, they are brown. They were with some long lost olive chinos though, so that might have been where my brain went

I went to Lords once. I opened a can of cider and it sprayed a significant amount of foam onto the head of a bald man sat in front. He flinched so definitely knew, but politely didn’t remove it for about 20 minutes so to spare my feelings. That’s my only lasting memory of the day really.

Dark out eh

I hope you enjoyed tonight’s TOTP, mostly because I was there. We’d gone ironically - what a joke, us, at lame old TOTP - but after three hours in an atmosphereless studio, including four recordings of My Heart Will Go On (which they didn’t even show that week) the joke seemed a bit flat.

Ladybird Artists Advent Calendar, window 5 ‘Snowstorm in a Pennine Valley’ Artist: SR Badmin

on the plus side, the sky gave me something to awe at ❤️🧡🩷

My spouse came home unexpectedly early and caught me in a state of undress listening to a podcast about the Nazis

4pm coffee really messed me up

December's #FullMoon is known as the #ColdMoon. Artwork by Catherine Hyde, contemporary UK artist #womensart #ArtAdvent

Fucksake

The engine light - on the car I meant to sell this summer but couldn’t face the rigmarole of selling & finding a new one that wasn’t awful - has come on. I bunged some oil in it, which is my usual first trouble shooting step, and it’s gone off. But I bet trouble is brewing. EXPENSIVE WINTER TROUBLE

Discovered a new skin tag for Advent 🎄

My son told me there are two moons: one that’s round like a ball, and another that looks like a hammock on its side. Quite clever if you think about it, but I made sure to tell him he was completely wrong, and to leave the knowing stuff to me 👍

Just in Argos. Not a single other person. Used to be chaos in December right? How much longer for old Argos

Is the sun even coming up this morning. What the fuck is this

Begging Advent Calendar producers to make the numbers easier to see. Excitement levels far outstripped patience this morning and there was tension. Already begun the search for 2 and am concerned if I’ll find it in time

Idiot boy has a new favourite toy 🤦‍♂️

Just been at a 4th birthday party. The GB News dad just sat in the corner on his phone, probably sharing far right memes. They do struggle to integrate in society don’t they

Introduce yourself with 5 animals you’ve seen in the wild: Magpie Rat Shrew Dog Cow

I’m making a really nice dinner, but I’ve had a cold and am barely going to be able to taste it 🥲

Do cars have sunroofs anymore?

My dad has started setting an electronic timer when brewing the tea and it makes me so irritated

Does anyone else gently put Dreamies on their sleeping spouse’s face and call the cat in, or are you weird?

“Daddy, there was a bad king, and he hated a baby” <long pause, me thinking what the hell does he think has happened> “Ummm, is this… King Herod…?” “Yes. And he can’t come here”

If you’ve lived for more than about 25 years, you really should have learnt that some people have charisma and some don’t, and it doesn’t reflect their core values or life experiences

A 499% tax on anyone who has a private plate with 8O55 on it.

In about 25 minutes I am going to drink the fuck out of a bottle of beer

Amazing moment a few months ago when my friend’s wife complained to me that having now hit the 45% top rate, there was “nothing left” after paying income tax. Her statement hung in the air as I said nothing and she remembered I wasn’t working

“There’s no room in your Large Pack” is a perfect descriptor of my recurring nightmare of trying to pack stuff in a hurry & it multiplying continuously

Why does everything have to have a happy ending these days?

I have been supplanted from my bed for the second night in a row by a sickly child, and am on the living room floor. Last night I got up to make a tea and the cat got in my makeshift bed and I couldn’t move him as I love him so I just literally lay on the carpet

Weird phone just autocorrected Anything to Angry, so I just texted someone and asked Can I get you angry?

Some perfectly timed boats

35 years on, I realise I have become dad

Trod in dog poo this morning, if you’re wondering about my men’s mental health post-IMD

Someone make me this. I have a birthday coming (vaguely)

Just posting this

Dancin' DJ in da house.

We’ve just had what I think is our second ever post 7am wake up, and it’s an incredible experience compared to the usual too early-too sudden start to my day

A woman I once worked with confessed that my cold frame massively gave her the ick. Not the cold frame itself, more me having one I suppose, and mentioning it, and calling it a cold frame.

Just saw Ben Miller at Waitrose. It’s non stop round here