Saw Jimmy Fallon on TV and the words "milquetoast jagoff" can't be said enough to describe him

Having a medical episode and frantically seeking a PhD to help explain the philosophy of it as I foam at the mouth

Alfred Pennyworth, as an infant: googoo ga, sir

It's "Anthem of Our Dying Day" by Story of the year Some might say vitamin C's "graduation" or destiny's child, or even Nelly's hot in here. They are wrong

Louie. Reskeet if you agree

If you get five strikes...that's a bad time. Six...slightly worse

Just learned that "best day of my life" by American authors was written bc of the sandy hook shooting as though that event needed any more grim outcomes

as a follow up: i had a lawyer talk with another lawyer and are getting these ads using my art taken down and damages paid. it ain’t a lot but i hope it’s enough to make a point. update the wiki!!!!!!

Ted Turner set the standard for billionaires to aspire to by not being a public figure and shutting the fuck up

The less weight ppl put upon president fuckface's words the better

You see they call it that because it sounds like "may the force be with you" Anyway get the hell off my porch with your dirty ass feet

The GoFundMe for the kid killed by donkey kong is eliciting more sympathy than it really should imo

The world's end is high, the country is in hospice and I can't get away from it in sleep without some stupid fucking neighbor blasting the bass out of his car's stereo

I don't understand dick pic guys You're showing the ugliest part of you to a girl you're attracted to and expect her to say "why, that's quite the specimen that requires further research"

There's no point in a penis It is at best a pool noodle piss goes through

You can't spell unhappiness without a penis hun

It's the matrix and I've seen it well over a hundred times on VHS

Getting more anxious about time and its passage. I can't call this a midlife crisis bc it'd cheapen all the other crises I have

Jack Nicholson is the unhinged uncle I've never had

Has anyone decided what the colloquial term for posts on here are? The dead bird site called them tweets, what's Bluesky's equivalent?

Here now is the shortest sentence in the world (Somehow in prison for this post)

*voice slowed down too much* ohhh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

*accompanied by organ music* its something unpredictable but in the end is right a gator ate my kid cause im white

"we're all going to die. Let's be an asshole about it" - inventors of the doomsday clock

*uncomfortably close to your shoulder* did you see the wrestleman last week

Come the fuck on man

Reminder that girls could be reading your posts at any time. Stay vigilant

Being the babadook sounds cool

Super Mario

Aw, fuck! I'm too late

Salute to an all-time tweet

A box of lucky charms

WHATS UP YOU WET MOTHERFUCKERS

Dany Guesttable, as he's otherwise known,

What're the chances that we'll be so numb to current events that we'll miss the passing of shigeru miyamoto

I'm bad at everything if I pay attention to it

"don't cry because I am gone. Laugh," I say on my deathbed before I turn into au jus gravy

Hellolabelle

Svu episode #π√§∆Zero: With the help of AI, a baby is shown whooshing through a laundry chute and into a bear trap. Benson investigates with the help of Finn and new detectives Johnny Plunk and Miriam Whelp (played by actors you thought were dead), but faces trouble when Carisi says 'no thank you'

ME: *draws a boob in front of art panel* Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...a boob *one judge starts ferociously fapping*

oh no toilet

weaponizing extreme misogyny by asking every girl in my contacts list if they are Wet Jeans Club or Dry Jeans Club

Vance didn't have his hi-c and apple slices before negotiations, making him visibly cranky and prone to shit himself

One of the knights of Camelot and his malformed son Percifipous

Artemis II just reentered the atmosphere and will be in my backyard in about ten minutes or so, where i have a birthday party and guns n roses are playing

Drew it for a joke I backtracked on Enjoy

I had a joke about a bomb but it is, puns be damned, a dud

trump picks up the phone for basically any random reporter who calls him but his vice president can't get through lmao

Aegis learned water mondegreen is