having even one beer can lead to serious bodily injury and/or death

if I ever talk about being "ethically non-monogamous" it's because I'm hoping a keen-eyed friend will sense my distress and execute a quick and clean mercy killing

it's a tragedy I was born a woman. I sense on a deeper level that I was meant to smoke a cig on the curb after getting yelled at by my wife

me and the boys collecting berries and shit Friday night lol. these lads are too much 🤣

I'm not an "alcoholic", I'm accessing a pre-sapient state to better investigate the missing link between human and ape

Megan Thee Stallion - big fan - have you ever considered writing a song for the Hotties who have bad pussy? Like pussy that's scary, slimy, acidic, etc. Just a thought! Love you girl ❤️

in a past life Adrianne Lenker was a lithe gazelle leaping in a perfect arc in the savanna, and I was an early human relative piercing her with a crude spear-like weapon

people love to talk about smoking cigarettes and drinking beer and playing cards etc in China. You know you can do those things here too right? Is there something wrong with you?

my so-called "securities fraud" is actually a manifestation of my Bernie Madoff past-life regression. It's a trauma response. And yes, also kind of a sex thing

Yes, I'm sure you're enjoying listening to your innocent little pounding beats.. but with only the slightest orthographical shift, they become 'pouncing beasts'. Not so "radical" now, are they?

therapist wrote "mark and recapture" next to my name in his session notes

Under a communist regime I would more or less continue with my daily routine of abject alcoholism and womanizing, though perhaps with a more civic-minded slant.

Small minds discuss ants. Great minds discuss giant ants.

Explaining to my son: birds sing because they're happy; they're happy because they get to eat bugs. We don't get to eat bugs, so we're not happy. This is the Human Condition.

The Dark Chuckler

Watching some Tumblr-reject highbie attempt to make a post is like watching a semi-crushed ant describe a desperate circle on your kitchen floor as their remaining limbs fail them

Sanity Plexus - A Boy Can Get Scared (U.K. New Wave/Post-Punk) [1989] https://redd.it/6mekwh https://youtu.be/mwPgSaX8Zj8

ha, don’t worry too much about it, but maybe try not to bring up the all-powerful amulet at dinner - bit of a sensitive topic between the missus and I still

it's friendship friday

(unprompted) it hasn’t yet reached levels that concern us

the teenage mutant ninja turtles reboot I'm watching has a much more leisurely feel. you sense that Manet, Degas, Renoir and Pissarro are up to their usual hijinx but we've long since lost any sense of them as subjects in the sprawling crowd scenes with intermingled colours

scenting thom yorke on the grounds, my hounds have pursued him into a thicket. he's yowling sorrowfully in his usual falsetto there. hurry, groundskeeper, my rifle

Memorandum returned for revision. Note from reviewer: "The lead author's heart is a mudded stream; there is no clarity of purpose."

Me and my crew? We know the shape of heaven. We've explored the contours of bliss

having 5 beers to access the Land Beyond Killing Yourself

Just got an email from HR. My pay grade has been reclassified as "Beast, Rank 1". Technically there's a raise but all the additional pay is in the form of raw meat.

the most reliable predictor of healthy development in childhood is the early introduction of your infant to Jungle Law.

leftistly lording over my fief

I'm "banned from the bar area" just because I may have gently prescribed some life-ending attitude-enhancements to one or two of the other PTA moms at the end of year party 🙄 God forbid a woman get her shiraz on!

I was just conferred a sainthood for my convincing and stirring performance of mild interest at my wretched son's school play

i piss every time i’m in the bathroom because i’m an empath

I would’ve liked to give someone my favour at a hastilude, of course. But some of us are meant to die of neurosyphilis in every timeline

I think you should view the remarkable similarities between your stolen bike and the one I'm riding as convergent evolution, or perhaps an artefact of some ancient cataclysm, rather than seeking a shallow ahistorical explanation.

would you like to come to my desperate little garden party? It's likely I'll dissolve into tears at some point

Right, it mentions in my contract here that I'm allowed to request workplace accommodations, is that correct? Would it be alright if I brought my wretched creature? He spreads untold woe and has a rather foul odour

perfectly circumnavigating my beige apartment

the swell of her breasts was like a cool and epic sports car, and the protrusion of her ass, similarly, was like another cool and tricked-out sports car, just a different make and model

a guy like me could easily excel in the Precambrian era. I enjoy nutrients and regularly seek out heat sources. Not really a big deal

economists are saying we're headed for a songbird market. radiant blue feathers with an orangish underbelly. pleasant on the eyes and ears

"STEM" is insufficient for a modern economy. We need to make it "STEAM" by adding Artifice, to ensure a supply of cunningly-wrought golden birds for the Emperor, that sing by an arrangement of valves.

sneaking my own visual style into the movie theater

CDC's "don't be a burden" campaign extols virtue of suffering in silence

I have to eat more leaves. More leaves = more energy. More energy= More days = More experiences = Better, more.

taking thotty pictures in a UN-designated least developed country

burger d'ham

I formed 17 sense-impressions today, earning me my first "Father's Cultivated Little Lad".

Would love more dating reality shows, just with a wider frame of reference. Need a male camel trying to court a harem of female camels using his vomeronasal organ to judge the urine just streamed into his mouth by a potential paramour

In this house we believe: - Democracy Dies in Darkness - We've got the worst drivers in the country - Things are literally orwellian, like 1984 and Animal Farm are real - Idiocracy was a documentary - Giving upvotes to good sirs - If you don't like the weather wait 5 minutes

I'd love to have a camel. some bactrian undulator loyally steering me over steppe or massif. gentle and affectionate but not without his moods. feel certain we'd have the respectful bond of steed and mount. I'll make do with this Suzuki Hayabusa Gen III Hyperbike however

you implicate your child in wire fraud one time and suddenly your legal costs are fodder for tabloid vultures 🙄