Under a communist regime I would more or less continue with my daily routine of abject alcoholism and womanizing, though perhaps with a more civic-minded slant.

Small minds discuss ants. Great minds discuss giant ants.

Explaining to my son: birds sing because they're happy; they're happy because they get to eat bugs. We don't get to eat bugs, so we're not happy. This is the Human Condition.

The Dark Chuckler

Watching some Tumblr-reject highbie attempt to make a post is like watching a semi-crushed ant describe a desperate circle on your kitchen floor as their remaining limbs fail them

Sanity Plexus - A Boy Can Get Scared (U.K. New Wave/Post-Punk) [1989] https://redd.it/6mekwh https://youtu.be/mwPgSaX8Zj8

ha, don’t worry too much about it, but maybe try not to bring up the all-powerful amulet at dinner - bit of a sensitive topic between the missus and I still

it's friendship friday

(unprompted) it hasn’t yet reached levels that concern us

the teenage mutant ninja turtles reboot I'm watching has a much more leisurely feel. you sense that Manet, Degas, Renoir and Pissarro are up to their usual hijinx but we've long since lost any sense of them as subjects in the sprawling crowd scenes with intermingled colours

scenting thom yorke on the grounds, my hounds have pursued him into a thicket. he's yowling sorrowfully in his usual falsetto there. hurry, groundskeeper, my rifle

Memorandum returned for revision. Note from reviewer: "The lead author's heart is a mudded stream; there is no clarity of purpose."

Me and my crew? We know the shape of heaven. We've explored the contours of bliss

having 5 beers to access the Land Beyond Killing Yourself

Just got an email from HR. My pay grade has been reclassified as "Beast, Rank 1". Technically there's a raise but all the additional pay is in the form of raw meat.

the most reliable predictor of healthy development in childhood is the early introduction of your infant to Jungle Law.

leftistly lording over my fief

I'm "banned from the bar area" just because I may have gently prescribed some life-ending attitude-enhancements to one or two of the other PTA moms at the end of year party 🙄 God forbid a woman get her shiraz on!

I was just conferred a sainthood for my convincing and stirring performance of mild interest at my wretched son's school play

i piss every time i’m in the bathroom because i’m an empath

I would’ve liked to give someone my favour at a hastilude, of course. But some of us are meant to die of neurosyphilis in every timeline

I think you should view the remarkable similarities between your stolen bike and the one I'm riding as convergent evolution, or perhaps an artefact of some ancient cataclysm, rather than seeking a shallow ahistorical explanation.

would you like to come to my desperate little garden party? It's likely I'll dissolve into tears at some point

Right, it mentions in my contract here that I'm allowed to request workplace accommodations, is that correct? Would it be alright if I brought my wretched creature? He spreads untold woe and has a rather foul odour

perfectly circumnavigating my beige apartment

the swell of her breasts was like a cool and epic sports car, and the protrusion of her ass, similarly, was like another cool and tricked-out sports car, just a different make and model

a guy like me could easily excel in the Precambrian era. I enjoy nutrients and regularly seek out heat sources. Not really a big deal

economists are saying we're headed for a songbird market. radiant blue feathers with an orangish underbelly. pleasant on the eyes and ears

"STEM" is insufficient for a modern economy. We need to make it "STEAM" by adding Artifice, to ensure a supply of cunningly-wrought golden birds for the Emperor, that sing by an arrangement of valves.

sneaking my own visual style into the movie theater

CDC's "don't be a burden" campaign extols virtue of suffering in silence

I have to eat more leaves. More leaves = more energy. More energy= More days = More experiences = Better, more.

taking thotty pictures in a UN-designated least developed country

burger d'ham

I formed 17 sense-impressions today, earning me my first "Father's Cultivated Little Lad".

Would love more dating reality shows, just with a wider frame of reference. Need a male camel trying to court a harem of female camels using his vomeronasal organ to judge the urine just streamed into his mouth by a potential paramour

In this house we believe: - Democracy Dies in Darkness - We've got the worst drivers in the country - Things are literally orwellian, like 1984 and Animal Farm are real - Idiocracy was a documentary - Giving upvotes to good sirs - If you don't like the weather wait 5 minutes

I'd love to have a camel. some bactrian undulator loyally steering me over steppe or massif. gentle and affectionate but not without his moods. feel certain we'd have the respectful bond of steed and mount. I'll make do with this Suzuki Hayabusa Gen III Hyperbike however

you implicate your child in wire fraud one time and suddenly your legal costs are fodder for tabloid vultures 🙄

girls love me for my gentle horse-like demeanour

might we loose the hounds on him, Papa? Oh please, can’t we loose the hounds on him?

roaming taupely around on my bloodless little carpeted floor

Some 2400 years ago, the ancient Romans levied the aes uxorium on the unmarried, a tax to discourage childlessness. Today you might ask whether a family size Kinder Surprise deal doesn't operate as much the same towards those desiring a single egg. But the supermarket manager is usually uninterested

my bitch wife is issuing me dire warnings from beyond the grave again 🙄

I’m the wildcard carriage horse. I sort of trail behind and I might do fucking anything, I’m crazy

things were heating up with this girl - super hot. 9/10. brunette. She reaches into my pants, starts palming me, jerking things around down there. Oops! Well, anything can be turned into a teaching moment. I kindly explain to her that what she has so roughly handjobbed is, in fact, my proboscis

New study casts doubt on theory that we should meet up over drinks sometime

Proposing new Anti-Heritage zoning laws to guide development that annihilates all shared memory.