nothing in this world quite like sharing a ham sandwich with your cat

*to the tune of kid rock's "picture"* i put my titties away...

white folks, you can say you enjoyed the halftime show without adding, "...and i didn't understand a word of it!"

one of the worst things about catholic funerals is how hard so many of those songs bang. i hate "here i am, lord" with a passion (cause it makes me weep like an infant) but i've had "prayer of st. francis" stuck in my head for days now.

jd vance on the titanic painting a chaise longue

nothing disarms an attorney more than their inability to "e-file" a document

allthethingshesaid allthethingshesaid allthethingshesaid allthethingshesaid allthethingshesaid

it should be illegal for video games to tell you how many hours you've played

i respect the art, but why is every haircut $65+??

They're trying so hard to justify a murder. And every American should know: if they kill you, this is what they'll do to you.

i need an app a la the stardew valley television to tell me whether or not the spirits are in good humor each day

i need her

i've been so emotionally charged this week, as have the rest of you, so to keep myself from snapping and crying over cats i can't adopt, i am adopting sardonic hot girl posting for the weekend

the hottest thing a girl can do is play guitar

we need more explicit gay sex on tv, it's what will fix us all

it’s tough trying to be fergalicious in these trying times

lmao some asshole yelled at me for sitting during the anthem at the flyers game

i'd like to thank gay hockey boyfriend show for curing my depression

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as if there wasn't enough shit going on in the world, there was a fucking *yellow jacket* in my house!!!!

MPLS, my heart is with you. find this fuck and make his life miserable.

wrote my first song of the year, lfg twenty-twenty six suck my dih

me & the girls when that thin lizzy riff hits

crazy that the best thing that ever happened to erika kirk was becoming a widow

Morphwhous: you have to understand, most of these whos are not ready to be grinched. & many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it. were you listening to me, Grinch, or were you looking at the fat man in the red coat?

barfing and crying forever www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDwi...

my favorite part of living in a gentrified city is tiptoeing over the unshoveled pavements of properties owned by private equity firms

seasonal shopping is so out of control...how do these stores have valentines shit out??

gene simmons and paul stanley both look like battered old wicker baskets

the online "philly accent" must be defeated. as usual, delco mf'ers wanna claim the city so badly and yet will be the first ones to comment that the reason the rite aid in their town closed is because of "crime in the neighborhood"

cancel this whole tuesday, i left my favorite umbrella on the bus.

35

yeah sex is cool but have you ever finished an entire rotisserie chicken yourself?

cathy's out in these street, ya heard?

cute!

Fuckin rocking out

open.spotify.com/track/4wTvw1... need a 7 minute remix of this stat

lately

beware the wrapping paper ai generated

hey did anyone check on the dersh yet

there was a time i never thought i could hate a politician more than i hated that guy. in retrospect, very naive of me

frankly dreaming of becoming someone's Supportive Aloof Wife™

omg yes, keep up this good energy tuesday -- DICK'S DEAD

the whole country has it's eyes on new york today. y'all got this!!

britney: you want a hot body? me: *sniffling*..yeah britney: you want a bugatti? you want a maserati? me: *whimpering* no, no i just... britney: you better work bitch me: *fully sobbing* britney, please....

today would have been my mom's 66th birthday so i'm honoring her by doing some of the things she enjoyed most: getting just a lil bit zooted while listening to studio 54 playlists. and then later i'll have a lil piece of tiramisu after dinner but not before smoking a big ol' pregnant doink 😌