linkedin just asked me to congratulate my friend from high school on his 12 year job anniversay, and while their AI suggestions were good, none of the options listed were "sorry you died of a heroin overdose 10 years ago"

I may not agree with everything their government stands for, but I think it's worth spending thousands of dollars to travel to riyadh and see Sebastian Maniscalco perform

the riyadh comedy festival is paying me $2,000,000 to not do improv there

I would love to see change to me being stronger, whether that's with A.I. or exercising

ate a decent burrito at the new burrito place today. life uh finds a way

cleaning out my apartment and found some old props from one of my favorite shows including this lion king erotica I wrote

me and whom

real ones know

which one of you drive this car

do you think jesus would have been a podcaster or a twitch streamer

Discovering computer as an adult makes you go crazy. Discovering computer as a baby makes you go crazy. In all of human history, there will only ever be one generation to discover computer at the correct age: 13

they don't make movies like this anymore

They're trying to do with Charlie Kirk what U2 tried to do with that album they put on everyone's iPhones without asking, with approximately the same level of success

oh well, onward and upward

"to be clear, I only read the you are gay casing in reverse, through a mirror, which doesn't count"

i have a word doctorate and am employed at an american university's advanced word institute, and i can tell you this sounds exactly like trans people when they're ideologying

television's biggest night

9/11 almost on Friday the 13th this year.... spooky

he died doing what he loved. making everything worse

If all my friends called me a pedophile in my birthday book I'd probably kill myself too

Andrew Cuomo:

banksy been awfully quiet since hulk hogan died...

The eye exam is the perfect game design. That big E is a great tutorial that teaches you the basic mechanic. But it doesn't baby you and quickly gets hard as they introduce the small and blurry enemies.

it's easy to look at a company like "clear" and see the end of the american experiment right there. everyone involved from the c-suite to whoever at the federal level greenlit the project should at least never be able to have a meal out in peace ever again

was looking at a little casio watch that i thought was neat and i can't believe they would do this to me. reading my tom arnold ass for absolute filth, etc

Mike Rowe Plastics

did goldilocks write this?

hulk hogan: they're demonic idols, possessed little freaks and they're everywhere, brother charles darwin (thoughtful): hmm yes.. I would very much like to eat one of these... labubus

this is basically the NYC mayoral race

oh, computers aren't people, huh? well just imagine you said that about people. pretty messed up, buddy

This happened during Trump's first term, but I believe under Pete Hegseth we are about to enter a new golden age of the SEALs being told "your mission, should you choose to accept it: take these amphetamines, fall out of a helicopter, and drown."

ripping up my metro card and throwing my charming bicycle into the nearest canal in protest until we get more robot cars

sometimes it feels like it's my devices that are updating me ❤️

I think if quibi had content like this it would have succeeded

"ok they're giving me the light"

modding my cybertruck to run on beef tallow

they should debut fake trump tomorrow alongside fake melania

considering making a new twitter account and logging on just for old times' sake when it finally happens...

you should earn interest on airline miles

I crunched the numbers and no, there was no possible better way to word this

nothing worse in nyc than getting a cab driver who follows traffic laws. might as well get out and walk

I crunched the numbers and no, there was no possible better way to word this

unrelated but did you ever notice that gavin newsom is bae

thanks to global warming, burning man is now called man

if getting the little man back on the cracker barrel logo doesn't get trump his nobel prize idk what to say the thing is just rigged

gonna post like it's 2012 for a while

how much money do I need to not have to work anymore, thanks