(calmly) I will use my taser on you.

chat what is an groat?

bro break me off a piece of that KitKat™️ bro

the truthiest millennial truth

my favorite part about working in a grocery store is when someone walks up and asks me where something is and I point it out to them and they look at me blankly and repeat the item at me like I didn’t just show them where it is and I have no fucking idea what I’m talking about

my favorite part about working in a grocery store is when someone walks up and asks me where something is and I point it out to them and they look at me blankly and repeat the item at me like I didn’t just show them where it is and I have no fucking idea what I’m talking about

I don’t even have a passport so I guess I’m not allowed to participate in international men’s day

I thought Nuzzi was that weird European hooked on phonics monster from the 90’s

the trick to doing your own motorbike maintenance at home is to be very fucking strong, kind of brave, and a little stupid

it’s highly recommended that you keep your face as close to the exhaust as possible when warming your motorbike up for an oil change

save me bolt removal kit and penetrating oil save me

super cool and fun

I assure this is to industry standard and every safety precaution possible is in place

it tastes like I’m drinking charcoal with a hint of ice cream gunk from under the lid

look at this fuckin mess I’ve got myself into

ok ok I’ve got on real pants with a zipper and belt loops and everything get off my back about it

Goofy is yokel coded as fuck

ok now that I’ve eaten Too Many Pita Chips™️ it’s time to put on my nasty man clothes and get greasy

man it feels so good to not know about a bunch of dumb shit

I snapped a lug bolt in half yesterday and won’t have new ones till Thursday which means any work I do today I won’t be able to enjoy for two more days and it has totally sapped my motivation to finish all of the other important shit I need to do

I’ve got to get dressed to do some mechanic-ing on my motorbike and I am not feeling it

the fun thing about those little stovetop espresso pots is you can fuck it up in just the right way that you make super coffee that’s stronger than espresso but also terrible but also coffee is so expensive you drink it anyways with a bunch of oat milk and vanilla coconut creamer

the only thing I miss about having roommates is personal rotisserie chicken Sundays just a few dudes rippin and tearin into some birds while watching dumb shit on tv

show us your current vibe with something nearby

no matter how many coolguy™️ moments you have in your life you’ll never forget that time you farted and popped a little in public and had to throw your underwear away

the advent of smartphones exploded literacy rates which in turn imploded reading comprehension

man it is gonna be so sick when Yellowstone finally pops and obliterates most of the country I hope I live to see it

I farted yesterday and my partner said it sounded like a mighty woodpecker

thats gonna be a no from me dawg

no matter how many coolguy™️ moments you have in your life you’ll never forget that time you farted and popped a little in public and had to throw your underwear away

super solid poops

hey poor kids our favorite snack went mainstream

create a guy in your mind now throw that guy in the trash in your mind and create another guy that other guy you just created? throw him in the mind trash. create another guy new guy? you guessed it. trash keep creating mind guys and throwing them in your mind trash until you feel better

I’m so tired

it is exhausting being so universally well liked

the thriller in me is the thriller in you

send not to know for whom the penus jorks, it jorks for thee

good morning\afternoon/evening!!

this holiday season get your partner 3 distinct bespoke farts

why am I smart and poor and they are rich and so very stupid?

that moment when you catch a toddler who woke up before you and got messy with a jar of grape jelly

why am I smart and poor and they are rich and so very stupid?

why the dog look like a guy? face too guy like. too much guy in the face for my preference on a dog

boobs are very cool and I enjoy looking at them

that moment when you catch a toddler who woke up before you and got messy with a jar of grape jelly

send not to know for whom the penus jorks, it jorks for thee

the thriller in me is the thriller in you

could I interest you in?

The Arrow-verse Ra's Al Ghul is captivating

create a guy in your mind now throw that guy in the trash in your mind and create another guy that other guy you just created? throw him in the mind trash. create another guy new guy? you guessed it. trash keep creating mind guys and throwing them in your mind trash until you feel better