Aubrey Plaza is nothing short of a revelation in her portrayal of Aubrey Plaza

Bluesky friends. Twitter archives are being held hostage by you know who. Does anyone know any third party archival tools to download your archive from "That place we don't talk about" ???

Do you think there’ll be more sluts at bowling or laser tag?

Happy 100th Birthday to President Jimmy Carter! He was lowered into a nuclear reactor to remove the core and prevent a catastrophic meltdown, but it's more important to acknowledge the monumental swag of rockin' an Allman Brothers Band T-Shirt as President of the United States🫡

Imagine if you will, a man, the richest in the world, launching U.S. rockets, satellites and payloads into space. Imagine if this man also runs the largest disinformation site, which he bought with Russia's funding. No media outlet cares. There is a fifth dimension beyond what is known to man...

When you’re about to say the most bigoted shit you’ve ever said

The Fiero sure does contain a lot of sensuality for such a small car.

This girl I've had a crush on forever told me she's got an Instagram, so I thought the best day of my life had arrived and I clicked the link, and her account is pictures of her favorite poems. I'm thinking she wanted to kill me with disappointment. I've never been so turned on in my life.

LIST OF WHO MAGA HATES: Anyone not white, all LGBTQ+, women, men who respect women, those trying to have a baby & trying to not have a baby, autistic teenagers who love their dad. White people too: White people who aren't Christians, white people who aren't straight and white people who are happy.

RFK Jr. def fucked that dead baby bear w/his wife. Though Cheryl prefers dead baby otters. The dead baby animals fetish is the rage w/outdoorsman pedophiles. Baby tigers are most desirable, as the thrill of banging an apex predator, but cute & dead, is domination at its finest.

Didn't know that the Northern Mariana Islands exists until just now but I'm moving there.🫡

The American People have a choice for VP. One guy is the final boss of Dads, the other guy is the only man in history to not look cooler with a beard. That's impossible until now. If you care at all about beard culture and the advancements in beard inclusivity, the choice is pretty clear.

JD Vance is what happens when a beard becomes sentient and eats the wearers brain and morals.

List of reasons why I don't leave the house: 1) People

I'm worried that JD Vance is gonna' make beards go out of style. His beard is the only beard in history to not give the wearer any machismo, mystery or...rizz. Please know, he is the exception to the rule. Some sort of a coolness anomaly in the beard world. He's trying to tear down beard culture!

JD Vance appears to be the most rizzless man in America

If I find out Tim Walz is into early '90s industrial I'm gonna' be insufferable.

A desperate and bloated ketchup addict in Florida is feeling the Walz close in.

Tim Walz should campaign by giving out hugs.

You just know Tim Walz has some bangin' slow cooker recipes.

In summation, I think that feeding hungry children is basically Stalinism.

This is the hottest anyone has ever looked or can look, so we can all calm down, give up and relax.

They're trying to cancel Cannibal Corpse for writing lyrics that a band named Cannibal Corpse would write.

If the VP pick isn't Cookie Monster I'm becoming Libertarian.

Ok what

Fuck, Satanic Globalists just showed up at my house and they're threatening to play the new Charli XCX album, "brat" nonstop until I turn into a polyamorous furry, antifa radical!

Danzig should have co-hosted Headbangers Ball with his mother

Oh shit you guys, the woke mind virus just stole my girl.

Me: I'll take a personal pizza, please. Personal pizza: everyone hates you.

I have a theory that people only have children to have a reason to make more sandwiches.

The older you get, the more you realize, all that really matters are the sandwiches you'll eat along the way.

Holy Shit, lulz, my phone's autocorrect does not..nay, straight up refuses to learn the word ETHICS.

Free Will is an absolute lie. Every single thing we do is influenced by what we have done, not only now, but down our entire bloodline, not only our bloodline, every bloodline, ever, forever. We are shaped & crushed by time. Time, the great destroyer, the one constant in chaos, and a master thief.

Any time I see a cat, I'm like, "Ah yes, hello, ancient traveler, hello."

Good to see the most important tipping point in American politics is what renowned actor, director, producer, tequila purveyor, Lake Como mansion having, remember him from The Facts of Life, his wife does seem based, George Clooney thinks about things.

Every day I live in fear of an Alexander the Great movie starring Timothée Chalamet being made.

My favorite part about autocorrect is how you need to know how to spell the entire word to get autocorrect to recognize what word you're trying to spell.

Ever watch your life explode and rain shrapnel down all over you, in slow motion, as you go for the door, all you want is a decent sandwich, and still that's too much to ask from this hamster wheel we're on... floating in the vacuum of space, don't correct me, nerds, about vacuums, I don't care.

They say that weed can make you lazy, but I can smoke weed until like 5 in the morning, often while watching something like 10 to 15 extremely involved, emotionally unhealthy documentaries, all while eating cereal the entire time, so there goes that theory.

When the going gets tough you'll collapse into yourself, a crumpled envelope of time, both connected to the universe & perpetually outside the essence of everything, until you question your very existence & wonder if it's easier to be a squirrel, or maybe a tiger, yeah, a tiger, that'd be so sweet.

Why not simply cut the Presidential candidates up and sew their pieces together in order to create an unimaginable horror.

Ever get so high you get home from a long ass drive, park, and then next thing, you are waking from some sort of amorphous time anomaly after sitting in your car for an additional two hours only to realize that yo this playlist is next level man.

The world’s a shitshow but sometimes my dog forgets and leaves his tongue 1/4-1/2” out like a stuffed animal you just won at the fair so there’s that

The enemy of my enemy can fuck themselves too

If the theory about birds evolving from dinosaurs is true, that's gotta be worse than dogs evolving from wolves...like, dinosaurs used to rule the earth as giants and conquerers, now birds are like, hi, I'm teeny tiny & I sing weird shit all day, plus I'm a dick in the morning, yay, plz look at me!

No one is well adjusted, there's no possible way to get adjusted to this consciousness bullshit.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I have a shame fetish, thank you, daddy.