FINE I'll go to the damn doctor 😭😖

“A second inflatable frog has now been spotted wiggling through Portland.”

Some days I am fully on top of my game AND everyone else's Some days I can't catch up at all and barely know where I am 🥴

lol it’s this guy

ted cruz is such a little bitch

Didn't know we were having a silent toot contest under the covers but now I'm afraid to get out of bed

Priest maced in Seattle by ICE. So no freedom of speech or religion, if it is contrary to the 🥕 leader.

Gonna pop a Tylenol and look at some trains to see what all the fuss is about.

NOOOOOO WHY DOES DUNCAN TRUSSELL SUCK NOW 😭😭😭 Back in the midnight gospel days he seemed so chill 😞

BRB rewriting "Dva Duby" (two oaks) as "Dva Doobies" (two joints 😌)

There once was a man from Nantucket

Whenever you see a guy claiming that women only like men who are super jacked with perfect bodies, it's a good indicator that they have not talked to an actual woman about what she actually likes in a very long time

Sometimes it's nice to remember that even Marcus Aurelius was like "you don't have to comment on everything bro"

Thank you weirdo internet christians for... messaging me a publicly available photo of my own boyfriend? Truly marvelous work

Romanian pop has finally hit my yt music algo without my having to do anything Playing it on Otava Yo radio seems a little confused but we're getting there

Did you know that sometimes larger freight gets lost just like small packages and 8,000 LBS of shit just randomly travels the country for no reason because that is a thing I have learned recently 🥴

I'll just leave this here.

good, i fucking hate these things

If you don't want folks celebrating your exit from this world, consider not being a massive piece of shit while you're alive! 🥰

I'm just gonna leave this here....

No amount of friendship, help, or loyalty matters in the face of something like that, you immediately cut them out of your life and contact who you need to and never speak to them again. Anyone who does anything less is a piece of shit I wouldn't trust to run a car wash.

Well that sure is unfortunate

Also, to the gent in the work truck who turned in my debit card OMFG THANK YOU AGAIN YOU SAVED MY LIFE ZOMG

If you start your emails with "I'm a little confused" I hope you know every recipient wants to smack you

I wish it were more socially acceptable to ask people to hang out at places like work. Some of the drivers are cool AF and I wanna invite them to come smoke with me and my sweetie 😌

Why can't my work brain have an off switch 😭

what up chat it's elmo and today we're gonna count to 13

Are the birth control hormones making me spin out or is it just the only reasonable response to the chaos and horror in the world? 🤔

If you're arrested in Illinois protesting the planned ICE HQ in North Chicago, I can represent you pro bono. Email me at [email protected]. As always, I will take as many cases as I can.

Them: “Cities are all rotting hellscapes!” Cities:

"What a bruised hand and subsequent death really taught me about achieving record Q2 records in drop shipping this year"

RFK Jr looks like he’s been sampling the diseases at the CDC

I’m just saying that when it happens I’m jumping out of bed, running to my window, and tossing a coin to a boy to buy the biggest goose in town

Let the record show that I have never in my life hoped to hear that someone is dead as much as I am right now.

I should move to a planet with no people on it

"A mural of the Statue of Liberty in shame" by JDL Street Ar in Lille , Roubaix France 🇫🇷

"Listen, Bobby, I'm not saying you can't speak your mind — but neither you or your worm have a degree!"

No, that'd be a straight up sale and what we'd get is reduced traffic which tbh sounds fucking wonderful

Border Patrol are fucking monsters.

music.youtube.com/watch?v=2_UC... Kolačkovské Trio redid Tacata by Tiegz/Fuerza Regida y El Alfa 😭😭😭

I want to remind you that every Right Wing Dude (and you know who I’m talking about) is a fucking dorkass loser with no friends and a broken heart.

It's 7:30AM and all I'm interested in is a drink 😑

Bloated nagware that tries harder every day to force you into yet another subscription

the most irritating thing is that Microsoft refuses to take "no" as enough with this shit. every couple weeks i re open Word and i have to say no to copilot again, or I get prompted to enable it when doing something else on my machine leave me the fuck alone, @microsoft.com

Because some people haven't heard it yet: PAYPAL IS NOT A BANK, DO NOT LEAVE MORE THAN A COUPLE HUNDRED DOLLARS SITTING IN YOUR ACCOUNT AT ANY TIME. MOVE IT TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IMMEDIATELY. Paypal can and will close your account and steal all your money without warning. And have done MANY times.

"Didn't you hear that Taylor Swift is getting marr-" Call me when she stops using private jets and until then be quiet I do not give a fuck what those people do