no clue how to flirt i just called this guy awesome sauce

every time i hear someone say “the early bird gets the worm” i wonder if somewhere out there, there’s a worm telling another worm “the later worm survives the bird”

nightmare blunt rotation but it’s just myself at various ages

i am the opposite of artificial intelligence. i am authentic stupidity

i don’t understand construction like how do they know what to do next

hello bluesky

maybe your baby is crying because it doesn’t like you

in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave

fuck iron supplements i just be eating staples

male octopuses die after they have sex which means squidward is a virgin

why were they always so mean to C-3PO

how it feels to unfollow the girls you met once in a bar 4 years ago

why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon

silicone is just regular cone to a freak like me

i will never forgive humanity for what we did to pigeons

i hope aliens believe in me :)

lana del rey married an older guy who looks like he eats cigarettes, just as the prophecy foretold

“white people have no culture” ok then what is the rainforest cafe?

i once babysat for a vegan family who had a kid named Hunter and i will never forget that

i used to pretend i was left handed as a kid god i wanted to be different so bad

how it feels to pay for parking at the place i fucking work at

idk who needs to hear this but the accident was so your fault

they should invent a kitchen aid appliance that takes up even more counter space

never been a smoker but every time i hear that a cigarette takes 11 minutes off your life i really consider getting into it

“wow all canadians are so nice!” —people who have never been to quebec

zoinks! like, scoob… i don’t think that was a fart…

kids in elementary school for no fucking reason:

never met a guy named aiden over 10 years old, i swear they don’t live that long

driving a manual is kinda gay like you’re literally jerking off your car

they’re sending me to the olympics for jorking it

just patched the hole in the drywall all by myself

the weather channel but it’s just a livestream of some guy’s ballsack and if it shrivels up then it’s cold outside and if it sags it’s warm

staring into the mirror at the function, trying to convince myself i’m still real

my parents didn’t let me use borax to make slime as a kid so i had to trial and error a bunch of random substances i found around the house and instead of slime i made mustard gas

farting in space, call that galaxy gas

get down mr. president! you’re next for the limbo contest!

telling people with organ failure they’re prettier on the outside

chiropractor let me have a turn cracking his back and now i’m visiting him in the ICU

i’m way too short for how much milk i drink

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you're good at it or not.

we need a disney princess who pegs

Caillou: I wanted to ride on the fire truck Caillou’s Mom: I know, Caillou Caillou’s Dad: I shave your head every night while you’re asleep

they’re hosting the danny devito lookalike contest in my bedroom

claustrophobia is so stupid. let Santa get married.

*gets surge of new followers* you ever be beating your dick so bad your dick starts fighting back

fucked up to think about but there was two grinches on noah's ark

Ooh, you’re not circumcised? Keeping the plastic on the sofa, are we?

british museums are always false advertising. nothing in here is from britain

“i’m calling the cops” is adult-american for “i’m telling mom”

you’re singing. the grinch literally just stole Christmas and you’re singing.