How is my mental health? Well I just sent a mildly flirtatious dm to a stand-up who lives on the other side of the country.

So um. This is what's been up with me for the last year. I hate hate hate asking but very much appreciate your support. www.gofundme.com/f/fund-me-if...

@clapifyoulikeme.favrd.social is a dear friend of mine and a civil litigator who has dedicated her life to doing good for the world. She is being sued by a hateful troll for a thread she wrote on Twitter, which she had every legal right to post. PLEASE if you can spare it help her out.

Ok I admit it I’m a nihilistic threat

If not for the nihilism of Marc Maron and the mental illness of Maria Bamford I would feel so alone

I’m surprised how much the descent into facism has me missing my ex

By the time humanity is completely wiped out our governing bodies are gonna be SO good at identifying what destroyed us

Weird how the anti-cancel-culture crowd seems is so pro-death-threat.

Pro tip for everyone else who, like me, has been diagnosed with Clinical Swiss Cheese Brain: I’m out, so I just set a reminder in my phone for when I will be home, where my envelopes and stamps are. No matter how hard I want to, I will not “just remember to do it later.” Set the reminder.

Jimmy Fallon’s booker sighs heavily and picks up the phone to beg Alan Dershowitz to come on the show and make pierogis with Jimmy

Is it officially fascism yet are is it still just sparkling totalitarianism

Marc Maron is 100% right he just needs to hold the camera a little farther from his face

Going to bed in the hopes that the country is less fascist in the morning

Folls still mourning Charlie Kirk but staying silent on school shootings: You’re defending the free speech of a man who said hateful things but not those who never even got the chance to speak for themselves?

Having empathy for Charlie Kirk and not Trey Reed is some next level “with friends like that who needs enemies?”

No, no. UN didn’t. An independent UN commission did. The overall body still needs to observe more water and debate if it’s wet or not.

UN declares water is wet

Wait. So Charlie Kirk, who frequently said antisemitic things, is only being remembered for the times he spoke against antisemitism? By both right-wing Jewish orgs AND white nationalists?

“I could never give up gluten.” Betcha would if it was killing you!

It’ll be a temperate day in Hell before I resort to using the phrase “it’ll be a cold day in Hell”

Let’s take a moment of silence for all the advocates of gun violence who became victims of gun violence

I can’t believe that some of you are showing absolutely no empathy for a man who showed absolutely no empathy

Hitler and Kirk had a lot in common. Most notably that they were both victims of gun violence.

Wow. Some of you assholes seem to be forgetting that Nazis are people, too.

Best possible way to honor his legacy him is to brush the crumbs off my shirt and forget he ever existed. Based on his own words and actions, it’s what he would have wanted.

Big difference between celebrating someone’s death and simply not summoning the energy to care.

Clearly I should peg Taylor Swift

IT'S NOT ENFORCEMENT IF THEY'RE NOT EVEN CHECKING WHETHER THE PERSON IS AN IMMIGRANT LET ALONE IN VIOLATION OF ANY LAWS OR PROCEDURES

Nervous about a big birthday coming up but at least I don’t have to worry about b-day messages from friends thanking me for abetting their sex crimes

TO WHERE?!?!

👀

Got a new electric toothbrush and if I don’t brush for a full 2 minutes the display makes a sad face emoji and sometimes I think about what it would be like to go back in time and tell my childhood self the future isn’t the Jetsons or Star Trek but rather it’s passive aggressive toothbrushes.

On top *everything else,* invoking “blood libel” here is misusing (polite way of saying) a term for false accusation against European Jewry, a specific accusation used to incite pogroms. THIS is “playing the victim.” Black and Jewish trauma means nothing to these folks.

Being a freelance writer however is 1% writing and 99% invoicing

I need a distraction from all the distractions designed to distract me from the other distractions

The greatest sign capitalism is a deeply fucked system is that humans are losing their jobs to technology and in this world that’s a BAD THING

In the good old days if you wanted hope you could look to the hearts of children, but now those things are just chock full of microplastics

It no longer matters what’s inside your heart because what’s inside your heart is microplastics

We had actual an actual assassination of a Democratic legislator in Minnesota two months ago & it’s completely disappeared from the National Conversation™️. This happens <all> the time over & over again 👇

Ah yes the job of resisting a world full of stranded carts

That Lady Gaga quote "There can be 100 people in a room and 99 of them don’t believe in you but all it takes is one..." doesn't really work for RFK Jr. when 99 of them are former CDC directors and the one person is Trump.

Portrait of the Artist's Therapist 2nd-3rd century CE Limestone

Guys I heard from an inside source in Washington DC. Dr RFK Jr prescribed him an enema but all they had was a fresh pine cone taped on the end of a cane and it became dislodged Up There and it began to open up and disperse seeds. Now he's on a diet of castor oil for the next week to fix it

LOL my super just texted and for a second I thought it might be news about the thing

Guys I heard from an inside source in Washington DC. He just has a raging case of pink eye. Most fecal matter in a human eye doctors have ever seen. Won’t say how it got there, but it’s a clear case of shit-to-eye disease. He’s alive, he’s just got pink puffy eyes that look like swollen buttholes

Guys I just heard from an inside source in Washington DC. He just has really bad diarrhea. I mean it’s terrible. He keeps waddling off the toilet and then running right back. He’s alive he just cannot stop pooping. He’s making really weird noises too. Alive! Just poopin real bad

What happened to the president, you ask? 🎶LOOK DOWN / LOOK DOWN🎶

Big EMPTY CHAIRS AT EMPTY TABLES energy

“could a dead man be blasting les miz???” is objectively funny, props to the WH for that one