“for some reason”

"...but you can't use your hands" should be the main rule of a party game, not the world's most popular sport.

Meat, cheese, and mayo.

Rock’n The Park summer concert series… presented by Midstate Cremation and Funeral Service

An Empire Strikes Back themed vending machine, where a little Darth Vader figure appears asking your snack to help rule the galaxy just before it falls to the dispensing area.

Muffin bottoms are dark meat.

Inside of you there are two wolves.

All You Can Suck chili dogs at Tastee Freez

"MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW"

Ever notice the phrase "he's a nice guy" is often preceded or followed by a "but..."?

How many syllables in “Desire”? Webster: “two” Bono: “seven”

I think drive-thrus, delivery, and curbside also play a role. Fewer experiences (even basic sensory stuff like sights & smells), less stepping outside our bubble, and an expectation of being catered to. Things the brain could formerly draw connections from & for have become simply transactional.

I have a recurring dream that there's a street map of Minneapolis on my stomach. It's never central to the plot, but more of a tangential "Hey, wanna see something weird...?" No one knows why it's there or where it came from.

Nothing says “We live in a serious country” like the president of the United States threatening, “probably… a whole civilization will die tonight” the same way he threatens, “probably… I’ll sue Rosie O’Donnell.” Anyway, hug your kids.

Nuclear armageddon is not what we voted for, sure, but the alternative was being civil to trans people and exposing elite pedophiles

One evokes feelings of patriotism, civic pride & shared humanity, while the other feels like a cult for technofascist manbabies whose biggest grievance, other than the 14th, 16th, 19th & 24th amendments, is that people don’t give them enough credit for being smarter than the rest of us.

[explosively spitting a mouthful of smoothie before interrupting the human sacrifice] WAIT!!! THERE’S ANOTHER WAY…

Heaven & Hell both have corn on the cob, but only one has dental floss.

[Rolling Stones iMac voice] “She’s like a Volvo…”

Going back to 1972 and explaining that people haven’t been to the moon in so long that we need to do a practice lap to make sure we still know how to get there. Also, that I watched the launch on my phone.

It’s very nice to see that we can still do things with science

Think Bronco Bill and Wild Bill are related?

Looking out my hotel window to take in the Greenville skyline

Same.

Any Christmas lights are permanent if you leave ‘em up long enough.

How many flavors, if you had to guess…?

Thinking about how Biscuitville underwent a rebrand similar to Cracker Barrel a decade ago, but we were too naive to realize it was because of woke.

Sending myself a reminder to give the dogs their flea & tick preventative (NexGard), which isn’t as exciting as my phone would suggest

Jack White at his kid’s sporting event as the opposing team chants Seven Nation Army

remember tonight to set your clock ahead an hour. but if canada and mexico set their clocks ahead an hour, then set your clocks back an hour. except for clocks in the automotive industry and clocks made with parts already covered under the USMCA, in which case

my nephew drew me this. you think it’s cute well it’s not he’s 23 and just got pardoned for taking a shit inside the Capitol on January 6th

I think the goal is to make all the social media sites so repugnant everyone with a shred of decency cancels all of their accounts, leaving us with no way to find each other and organize.

Leaving my wife for this fortune cookie

Steelers/Browns has me thinking there should be a TV feature that makes anything you watch look like a snow game. Apple Vision goggles not selling? Let me insert realistic augmented reality flurries into everyday life.

I remember as a kid seeing people my age be irrationally resentful of the “cool kids” or teachers or parents. They didn’t grow up, they just shifted their resentment towards “the elites” and experts and elected officials.

Democracy called. It wants you to stop on the way home to tell wannabe dictators & aspiring oligarchs to stick their shiny gold sneakers & million dollar checks where the sun don't shine.

Arbyllbees

This priest _____ A. Is dozing off B. Is listening closely C. Literally can't even

Have I ever told you that Travis is my hero? He's been helping my live with cancer for years, I've lost count of how many surgeries he's helped me stay positive thru, and he texts me FRI DAY NIGHT every friday. He's a saint and I'm glad to be his friend.

“Welcome to Bluesky. There’s less nazis than the other place, but we’ve replaced the sportswriters with random cartoons.”

I like the name of this product because it implies there’s a trampoline for every stage of life.

A smoke shop that does brunch. Call it “Crepe & Vape.”

If any of you Bluesky people have delivered something to our house, I’d like to apologize for the tone, volume, and duration of what these two said.

Watching the promotional video for an animatronic singing Santa that’s on closeout at Home Depot, and the auto-generated captions for We Wish You a Merry Christmas are outstanding.