I will hike up this sand dune for one White Claw and a hot dog

good afternoon

my dad let me watch his Dirty Dancing VHS from Columbia House three times before he finally said, "I don't think this is a movie for kids."

It's just the worst case scenario lullaby

Singing along to Feelin' Alright Or making it by under pink moonlight

coming over to clog up all your toilets

the only shorts available for middle aged women look like pantaloons

this was unexpected

joined Bluesky to remind you of Jodie Foster films you forgot existed

I want the confidence of people who film tiktoks in public

my cousin Charlene wants to know if you're single

I made some fish tacos today but they just ignored them and swam away

it all starts with timing

fuck yeah

🎶if you like pina coladas and getting punched in the face 🎶

mentally I'm at a Chi Chi's enjoying a chicken chajita

attempting to thread a needle for the past hour and a half

making a skirt for under my kitchen sink because thug life

if you don't want to watch High Tension and throw bologna at each other stop reposting me

they're opening up the harbor in Baltimore for swimming if anyone is interested in growing a third eye

did I ever tell you about the time I was 14 and a june bug got sucked into my ear while I was riding down the road in my mom's Geo Metro? yes, it's still there thanks for asking

Please sir, my oils. They're essential.

this is a private skeet, please do not read

had a dream about Mothman and it wasn't even sexual what gives

if you're not terrified of birds you should be

in 2004 I rented Supersize Me from Blockbuster Video and then immediately went to McDonald's for a fruit and yogurt parfait

Remember when you were a kid, and thought your mental illness meant you had special thoughts, so you were the chosen one, but later on you learned you just had an anxiety disorder?

If the pro wrestlers aren't wearing speedos I'm not as interested.

Ok I followed back. when do we mate?

"So what's Bluesky like?" Well, instead of people with confederate flags yelling at you there are people with rainbow flags yelling at you.

You are free to interpret jokes whichever way is most upsetting to you.

ants in your vagina?

excuse me.. boric acid?

love summer hate bugs

my happy place

Got my weenie whistle can't nobody tell me nothin

the dudes who harassed me in junior high for my looks are the adult men with the ugliest wives

Honey, I Shrunk The Weed Stash

"do you have any plans for the weekend?" me:

I am once again finding myself mad at a judicial body

I love working in teams as long as they are not filled with a pack of dickheads

Cute girls age better than hot girls stay alert

you can purchase a large bouquet of flowers for $15.97 at Walmart and create two arrangements out of it. Follow for more Mother's Day hacks

you don't have to be a possum to join my gang but it helps