Had a dream that I was watching a re-airing of a TV special, "A Christmas Eve Eve Farewell to Boris Yeltsin Featuring His Favorite Song, Copacabana"

Google Maps is crazy thinking I know how far "800 feet" is

Like they say about the Olympics, I think it also would be helpful to see some normal people try to land a 737 so I can appreciate how hard it is to do it well

A sign said the south TSA checkpoint had a 5 minute wait and the north TSA checkpoint had a 10 minute wait, so I went to the south one...and then I walked an extra 15 minutes through the terminal because my gate turned out to be literally the closest gate to the north TSA checkpoint

New York Times: "Short people got no reason to live"

I decided to buy a mug that no one else would want to use

Pope Francis isn't dead, y'all; it just sounds like that from the way the headline is phrased

What the fuck I just saw a triangle in real life I thought that was just some theoretical math shit in books

what idiot called him a somnambulist clown with a foot fetish and not honk shoo

guy in the 1920s putting a "i bought this before he went crazy" sticker on his Model T

Deep Vein Trombonesis is a pretty good name for a ska band.

(taking a wrong turn and ending up in the Daytona 500) No one's letting me merge

Just saw THE new paddington movie, what is the BEst pARt.. I will DIvulge no spoilErS.

[IKEA-themed restaurant] Maître-d: is your table ready yet?

When you finish varnishing the castle gate and see a battering ram crest yonder hill

When I open a bag of Fritos, I wonder if my dog thinks, "OMG HE'S EATING FEET"

Nothing more insulting than when I sit next to the air purifier and it kicks into high gear

New euphemism for masturbation just dropped

dude last night we arrived at the USPS Regional Destination Facility at like 2:04 a.m. and then at like 5:47 a.m.we departed the USPS Regional Destination Facility and started Moving Through the Network it was crazy

What if barking is actually like laughing but we just don't get their humor

I am once again asking if we can pretend "Bluesky" rhymes with "brewski"

lmao no, TikTok users are not moving to Bluesky. They would literally rather learn Mandarin than learn how to read a feed of text posts. This is a millennial retirement home.

"Please remove any face coverings before donning a gas mask" is a new flight safety instruction that is probably related to an idiot

Cowards! Let us sing in the movie theater!

This would be $2k a month in L.A.

New Orleans Square train station is finally open again, and I've never been happier

Gettin' some blueskys with the boys

Does anyone else pronounce Bluesky like it's a Russian surname?

It's funny that animals pee differently depending on sex but don't poop differently

One day, you're young and carefree & then you blink and you're suddenly one of those people that makes an involuntary throat noise whenever you get out of a chair

Remember MAGA… Where you go one… You go all. #WWG1WGA

It's rude that the "sickos" guy looks like me

In the bathroom, who decided that #1 was "#1" and #2 was "#2" and not the other way around?

When you say, "It's Giving Tuesday," I read it like, "This garment coming down the runway is giving 'Tuesday' vibes."

Remember to move the turkey from the freezer