Billy Joel is prog

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my mid-day square

real gs move in silence like the second h in hannah

If I had a little angel and devil each sitting on my shoulder I'd probably slurp them up like tinned sardines and let them duke it out in my stomach

He is listening to the new Cardiacs album

Unfortunately just read the word "michelada" and turned into the AA version of Jasper from Twilight when he smells somebody's papercut from eight miles away

if Jimmy Kimmel's political humor is too hot for you to handle, I'm not sure "snowflake" even cuts it as a term of derision for the level of fragility you've achieved

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Chiropractor of Fleet Street

Trans rights are not the rights of a tiny minority, trans rights are everyone’s rights to self-determination, control of our bodies, and a society where opportunity and aesthetics are not restricted by sex assigned at birth You should support and defend trans people because trans people are people

Mad Max: Drury Lane

Being my friend is a pleasure and a joy and I really don't understand why more people don't do it

there's just something indecent about a crescent moon

vulture dropped its 2025 list of comedians you should know today so it's a great time to check in with your friends who are constitutionally unhappy and bitter

genuine question can you say "suicide vest" on facebook

Resisting the temptation to tell online right-wingers to kill themselves by saying "go see a chiropractor" instead

I think I'm starting to get sick of my fake last name

I am thrilled to announce that to everyone’s great relief I am no longer feuding with my dog

BLITZER: Now we’re getting reports that one of the bullet casings was engraved with a message saying that if you are reading the casing, you are gay. We must warn our viewers we’re about to show the photo and don’t know at this time whether the engraving is what makes you gay or if it just tells you

I was the warm-up comic for the FBI press conference, AMA

Kill Tony moment of silence for Charlie Kirk

oh, neat

[wormy dipshit whose entire lifestyle and worldview is propped up by direct and indirect violence that they are privileged enough to be insulated from, and who only speaks up for an ethical respect for human life when the most wicked devils alive finally get theirs voice] I condemn all violence!

Smh, everybody knows you’re supposed to put your gun on silent at an event like that

Cool!

Clark the dog has begun to espouse some very bizarre and concerning political beliefs

kinda weird that the name of my new street is “HANNAH BLVD. (NO RELATION)”

Clark the dog is recording a youtube video essay that explores the secret dark side of murder

wearing a life vest and a suicide vest at the same time to see if they cancel each other out

This is probably my favorite post I ever did on twitter........It is very stupid, and bad

I got a concussion from sitting down too hard

This is (sort of) the third time in my life I have made a post about a band or musician and then they died the next day

To confirm the rumor's, I DID leave my T-Mobile Sidekick in the CBGB toilet, and for years I could call the phone any time to hear the shits of the greatest punk acts

You guys, I'm getting really worried about Clark the dog. The situation is dire. He's fallen in with a group of shady older dogs from the community college and today he came home with a brand new neck tattoo that says SHOP LOCAL THINK GLOBAL

Here are some things I would've named Clark had he not come with the name: -Pantagruel (but I call him Pants for short) -Generic Flipper (but I call him Flipper for short)

You're Dead At The Bottom Of A Dungeon, Deal With It

He is helping me clean out my closet

P.S. if any hot and nice people are reading this i need you to understand that this is just a joke. i would never do that

dramatically sliding down a wall like a stressed-out woman in a tv drama but leaving skid marks the whole way down

oh great. look who it is. here to scream at me again

Almost posted a joke on here and instead said "what's the point" out loud

“wet dream” implies the existence of—no. No. I’m not doing this hack shit. One thing existing does not mean it also has an extant opposite or inversion. No one thinks this and it’s usually just a way to write a dumb pun or intrusive phrasethought. I’m too good for this. Dry nightmare

My verdict on Weapons (2025) is I really like that little striped sweater with the heart

do you get to make a wish whenever you pluck a chin hair too or is it still just eyelashes

I think every major US city should have their own The Residents just like they do the Blue Man Group

WONKA (on phone with stock footage distributor): Yeah, let me get the chicken beheading, the man's face covered in centipedes, uh... Yeah this is all going in my candy factory

It would be so cool if you could read your own writing without thinking "I should probably stop living"

Running Up That Hill might be the most romantic song ever written about parkour

Nothing makes me happier than logging onto here and telling elaborate lies about my dog (except for petting my dog, feeding my dog, playing with my dog etc)

Clark the dog has barricaded himself in my bedroom and won’t unlock the door until I agree to legally change his name to “FuckJerry”

Great day to scream and holler and also bellow