Somehow I missed that a monk peace walk has been going on for months, but I like the message.

Pride will have you match into storms you aren't prepared for.

I'm going to excel at retirement.

7 days of vacation are messing with my BMI.

To start the new year off right, I'm going to get rid of all the junk food in my house. I should be really full by the time I'm done.

Truth

I'm sending out gift baskets for Christmas this year with the following note attached: Please fill up the basket with something nice and send it back. 🎄

shredded cheese is just regular cheese that likes to brag about its workout routine

If you still need some gift ideas.

Audioslave was playing on the classic rock station. I have more life to live, goddamnit

Ain’t no stress, gonna steal my day. I going to move this joy my way.

We just moved into the "that sounds like a January problem" part of December.

I asked ChatGPT what to get my wife for Christmas. It replied, someone who listens to her.

All humans are built with the capacity to take naps. My capacity is overdeveloped.

McDonald's to hand out a Peace Prize with every Happy Meal.

If you see a toilet in your dreams, do NOT use it.

Should you be worried if you get an empty fortune cookie? Asking for a friend.

Me at a nightclub Where are the chairs?

You would make a great cult leader.

Why have humans not evolved to smell your armpit begging for deodorant? #selfawareness

Is there an AI that can read Estein’s emails in the voice of James Earl Jones?

I’m my dog’s emotional support animal.

My ability to consume calories far outweighs my ability to burn calories.

Wine is win with a silent e at the end. 🍷

My version of preplanning involves leaving an uncooked plate of nachos in the microwave for when I get home.

There should be a “skip to the point” button for conversations.

My winter body is filling out nicely.

Did Boys to Men ever explain what an Alezanderpora is?

Combining tourette's with energy drinks is never a good idea.

Starting next year, airlines can begin counting early departures toward their average on-time arrival times. Can't wait for the flight from New York to Miami to take off 6 hours early.

I'm not retired, but the brochures look nice.

Can't wait for AI to start showing me targeted clothing ads with a balding, overweight model.

Today we will break free from the chains of the Constitution!!

Is it crazy to let AI take over essential functions while simultaneously remembering and forgetting that AI regularly hallucinates?

1) What would Chuck Norris do? 2) Did you answer question 1 first?

Bruh, I put on clean underwear for the #rapture. Seems like a waste of time.

I really thought I was gonna have to stop, drop and roll more in my life.

Being crazy is not as hard as it looks.

The older I get, the more I dread iPhone cameras getting better.

If you go to jail, will they let you use your phone for your one call? I don't have anyone's number memorized.

I slept through my 15 minutes of fame.

I'm often mistaken for an adult because of my age.

If ignorance is bliss I clearly know to much.

Man's greatest discovery was fire. The second greatest discovery was fermentation.

If you are not drinking with me, I assume you are drinking against me.

My side hustle is trying to keep up with all the back-to-school emails.

I keep secrets by forgetting what you told me almost immediately

I'd explain my past life choices but the statute of limitations isn't up yet.

When you buy life insurance, you need to get enough to support the family, but not too much to provide a motive.

My bingo card didn't have a Coldplay concert as a way to bring America together, but we still needed this.