Most scientists in the field of quantum physics agree that, at this point in time, the closest way to experience the multiverse theory is still breaking into your neighbors’ apartments.

Guess I’ll just keep making dumb stuff until the earth explodes

Scott Bessent is the shitty dean in every 80s movie where beer is a character

HEALTH :: Thought Leader

Somebody’s got a birthday coming [email protected]

Brb going to my memory palace and yes…it is the Blockbuster by the house I grew up in.

John Thune looks like he’s totally waiting for an excuse stuff that little shrimp Mike Johnson into a locker.

Has anybody tried simply grabbing him by his tie and swinging him around until he gives up?

…and it’s making god cry. stop it.

Just in time for Halloween!

One of my favorite parts of any movie was when the prosecutor in My Cousin Vinny pronounced heinous like “Hi, Anus!”

Scrolling my feed first thing after I wake up

I feel like Joseph Heller had their number back in the 60's in Catch-22 and I still think of this quote whenever I hear farm owners complaining about socialism or benefits or taxes. It was a short little aside but it stuck with me for like 25 years.

TFW the pussy don’t pop for you

Cool will do

Never again

Me at 20: getting old jokes are so hacky Me at 37: I broke a rib doing 6 push ups

Maybe all these comedians aren’t going to Riyadh *in spite* of the human rights abuses? Maybe they’re going because they just want to be able to do all their shitty anti-trans material in a place that’s nicer than a strip mall in Little Rock?

Personally, I have always disliked stuff that sucks. And yet, they keep making it

KASH PATEL: you falsify that evidence with messages that are anti-ICE in nature yet? LOW LEVEL FBI AGENT: sure did, boss. wrote the words "ANTI-ICE" on them nice and big, just like you asked KASH PATEL: what

Just found out my mom has been taking fistfuls of Tylenol since she heard it might give me autism

“Striving to leave the world a better place than I found it,” I think proudly as I make sure the door to the Hungry Man cooler shuts all the way.

New Music

“Shhh… You’ve gotta hear this guitar part.”

Love this band so much

For anyone wondering where in the disaster we find ourselves…

“Look Mark, I realize we’re living through an authoritarian coup, but that’s no excuse for falling short on deliverables.”

Fingerman: "Not so funny now is it, funny man" Jimmy Fallon: [breaks]

The 90s; “We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War is a spiritual war….“ The 2020s: “We’re sorry for complaining. Can we have our spiritual war back please?”

Goodbye Hulu

Sometimes I’ll go a couple months without wearing my retainer cause my whole deal is being a Cenobite to myself

Shoutout Ezra Klein

…look, all I’m saying is that we’ve never seen Mystikal and Mr Bighead in the same place at once

One more adderall then I’ll get to work

In retrospect, sweatpants may have been too optimistic

Why is Alex Jones turning into Lars from one of those Futurama movies?

“Bad take Bill” at it again

Sorry guys, I think I’m just gonna have to stop being a depressed goblin next weekend instead

Friendship isn’t my thing I guess

this is the worst september 11th ever

MAGA 3 days ago: Chicago is about to find out the meaning of WAR MAGA today: the left needs to stop condoning violence

if charlie kirk didn't get shot the right wing would be equally and as consequentially as mad about a tv commercial or restaurant logo or something else, they're gonna do what they're gonna do regardless

Fascism and authoritarianism creates extremism, violence, and desperation. Calling for nonviolence is like a call for thoughts and prayers. More needs to be done to reverse the course the United States is navigating and prevent further escalation.

Condemning political violence is the democratic party’s “thoughts and prayers”

There are lots of ways to stand up right now, even if you can’t be on the front lines of protest. Hope you’ll join us for this free webinar a week from today.

Just something to think about with all those tanks heading to Washington this week

This is the hardest I’ve laughed in a long time.

We all may have been a little too quick to judge those kids who used to go around saying they were born in the wrong time period