the art of the deal babyyyyy

called my representative and two senators, got three voicemail boxes. gonna attend a protest tomorrow. what else is there to do except fight

Why are ventriloquists always beefing with their puppets

A ghost! Ahhhh

Stop complaining about Bluesky being broken. The proper response when a website doesn’t work is “oh okay” and then to go hang out with your friends or lovers

i have gun

a rain scented candle is fire doing a racist impression of water

the Artemis II crew just posted a new photo. what the fuck

I just remembered this tweet, and I didn't post one when everyone was posting funny tweets

My whole life I've had to listen to country-club dickheads in $400 dress shirts tell me why other people should be dying

A harsh reality trans men will have to face is that eventually you WILL have to go to Jupiter to get more stupider I'm sorry it's just part of the deal

My boss misspelt “hi” in a work email but at least we know she’s not using chatgpt

Gonna just start hitting people with a pipe.

can you still get that lemonade that kills you

This rules

Jesus, they weren’t bloody joking.

sandy is short for sandrew

I love an internet video where a guy falls down

do i really hate myself and everyone around me? or have i not had water today? the answer may surprise you

I need to work on my psychosocial development

what if art direction were an instagram yassification filter

chat i need to ask, what are we

media studies teacher coming to school hungover and putting on a react stream for her students

Ironclad Silent Watcher Defect

Don’t bully me I’ll cum

I want to be hit by a car. I think it would feel good

There’s an ig account I follow that does cartoons about cute penguin couple, the kind of airy fluff you smile at then scroll past. Yesterday they started an arc about one penguin going missing, standard light drama, and the comments are full of apoleptic people, furious that the vibe is ruined.

I fucking podiumed

Flight attendant gently shakes me awake. She points to the chair-back TV, which is showing an insurance commercial featuring the guy from Modern Family. “We would prefer you watch this,” she smiles.

3RD IN AUDIO OUT OF 1431 ENTRIES WOOOO

Reminder that tomorrow we “leap” forward into the Eternal Night. Remember to save some daylight in your pantry to sustain you.

Freestyle rap heard on 36th street: My problem is, I can’t have just one chick [lengthy pause] TWOOOOOOO

I tried to dirty talk with my girlfriend and told her i wanted to incinerate her

i promised myself i'd beat the heart in slay the spire 1 with all characters before i'd touch slay the spire 2. chat i have defect and watcher left and i'm so bad at the game please help

We used to at least pretend we were bringing democracy to the Middle East

The portrait he keeps in his attic fails to contain his rot

My bus with a shitty suspension is ferrying me on cracked roads to my job at the email factory. My country is bombing brown children and our one prize will be the second of many 9/11’s. My girlfriend returned to California this morning and I won’t see her until May. We forgot to take pictures.

I will destroy her

Whichever guy first called us the great satan was honestly cooking

wow amazing that america has already collected almost enough 9/11 Points to earn another 9/11

a victorian-era coal mine would kill a modern child

Finally an Iced Tea that implicitly invites me into a sexual relationship

this is like that bit in Disco Elysium where you can die from talking to Cuno

that scene from ratatouille where the critic eats the food but it tastes so bad he flash-forwards to the circumstances of his death

*dodges a boomerang* phew, glad that's over with