You are near-sighted because god can’t afford the render distance. You are anxious because god doesn’t want you outside touching the invisible walls. Celestial development is expensive. It is cheaper to make you worse.

Let me be the first to congratulate the Seattle Mariners on their 89th win of the season and their first division win since I was 9 years old

participating in a "sideways Rapture" where i'm dragged behind a ford f150

wait up guys, the rapture is still preboarding families with small children and our brave beautiful troops

This is just the Hapsburg family tree

i honestly didn't know people thought they're getting raptured tomorrow. i thought we had all just caught onto a funny bit at once. i thought i saw god in the serendipity.

my toxic trait is that i think i could handle cocaine really well

I’m gonna do fight club on radar systems so we can go back to lighthouses

VENDOR: thank you for your purchase! We want to you pictures of dog shit every day for the rest of your life. To accept, do nothing. To reject, please click the unsubscribe link in the first, unavoidable picture of dog shit we send.

Miss your ticket to the rapture? Be not afraid! I am distributing a second wave of rapturings for a mere $500 markup.

god dammit

I'm going to send Alaa $20 and do a short thread of posts of hers that I think are worth reading about what is going on in Gaza right now. tinyurl.com/3sem5b4p

captain AHAB: all harpoons are bastards

Texting every senatorial campaign to ask them for a few dollars

Back from my follow up doctors appointment. They should invent a chicken nugget that doesn’t give you fatty liver disease and pre diabetes

Forgot to wear a short sleeve shirt to my COVID shot so I had to show nips on the open floor of the clinic and boy they kept it chilly in there

Tbh I did not realize that gif was Robert Redford.

[yelling over club noise] I said a giant sadness has come between us

vanilla and chocolate are the fifa and call of duty of ice cream flavors

who is Al Dente and why is his pasta so good

Why did this guy decide to sit next to me on a mostly empty bus

art isn't really about bearing the soul or expressing the inexpressible. it's more about meeting chicks.

Subway is primarily known for two things it no longer has: five dollar footlongs, and a pedophile mascot. And when the second thing came out, they really should’ve kept the first.

My retirement plan requires me to get hit by at least three city buses

my silksong discourse contribution is that the weirdest decision team cherry made was to include a character who is an anime pervert

IF YOU’RE IN LINE FOR SILKSONG STAY IN LINE

The cool thing about becoming vegetarian is that everything is both more expensive and less tasty

"dry clean only" who the hell do you think you are

clitoris sounds like the name of one of the guys who killed caesar

do you think miyamoto looks at mario and goes "that's my OC"

i work in the education sector instead of industry because i think education is one of a society's primary responsibilities to its people. this choice costs me at least $10k per year.

if i wake up tomorrow and It Has Happened then i'm buying all my friends silksong

I’ve largely moved on from Reddit but in certain subreddits it still has the juice

i need some frickin money, so if you or anyone you know wants pixel art emotes (static or animated!) at a reasonable price and on a quick time table, my commissions are open until the crushing weight of capitalism gets off my back (more examples in comments)

Doctor: are you sexually active Me: yes Doctor: are you sure

Boston is great because you get to live in a boring city for interesting city prices

Not yet but I’m working on it

pronouncing cantaloupe like penelope

What if silksong is only okay

i'd really like to work in arts administration, but every role description has shit like "create fundraising strategy for >$10,000 donations. implement strategy throughout all branches of the company" alongside shit like "give directions at the front desk and greet all visitors with a smile :)"

I forgot my doctor is running tests on me today so I’m cramming by taking all my medication at once

WR Samsara% (Yearning-less)

Found a photo of the game director

SILKSONG FINALLY CANCELLED

Why are the sewer grates always steaming around here. Do the ninja turtles have a stew going

Me trying to save money: hmmm I should buy kontakt

working in admin is so dumb, i should be grinded into bonemeal