"The Dow is over 50,000."

Alanis Jr.

DOCTOR: I told him he needed to get out to a show, that was how he would cure his depression. CHOTINER: So you learned this technique in school? DR: No, not— listen it was good advice. Pagliacci was in town. C: Right. Is it standard to give advice before learning a patient’s name? DR: Now look

A note from our editors:

Periodic reminder: if you were to break down the Bill of Rights clause-by-clause, more than half of them make it harder to investigate, arrest, prosecute, and punish people for crimes It is the most profoundly anti-law enforcement document the Government has ever had And that's a good thing

they're executing moms and nurses in the street. they're using preschoolers as bait. they're stealing people's dads and grandmas and children. they're tear gassing babies. they're staking out schools. there is no remedy but abolition. any proposal that doesn't start there is an act of violence.

The image of the blood-soaked airbag next to the glove compartment overflowing with stuffed animals is going to stick with me for a very long time.

Their backup plan is ignoring the court's decision.

"It's not a recession. It's 'quiet time'."

This is about the presidents fucking each other btw

Dems backed Trump into a corner where he’s advocating for starving Americans and hemorrhaging support. If they vote to let him off the hook in exchange for nothing it’s a cataclysmic failure. I know people are in pain but insulating Republicans from political consequences is not the answer.

Chuck Schumer is up for reelection in 2029. Don't forget.

The defense team presses Lairmore on whether the sandwich really 'exploded.' They return to the photo of the sandwich and wrapper on the ground. "That sandwich hasn't exploded at all, has it?" defense asks. "It looks like a little bit is coming out towards the bottom," Lairmore replies.

Welcome back Wyclef Jean.

Timeline cleanse.

Totes not a king...

A Democrat won in 2020. That's what he's try to keep from happening again.

I hope on Monday reporters ask Mike Johnson, Karoline Leavitt, and the President if they think that many people hate America and, if that many people are, “hamas terrorists, illegal aliens and violent criminals.”

Oh, hey. You guys got your account mixed up with @theonion.com somehow.

"'Children'? What's a 'children'?"

ONLY $4000 a month?!?!? Poor guy. Must be tough. www.cnbc.com/2025/09/27/a...

🚨BREAKING: Rep. Ro Khanna just motioned to SUBPOENA FCC chairman Brendan Carr in the House Oversight Committee to stop the intimidation of private businesses and assault on free speech

This is what I said to my wife and three kids who use Hulu and Disney+

Not so fast, "Kash Patel."

The problem with allowing guns everywhere is that no one is safe anywhere.

Let’s make one thing clear from the start: Charlie Kirk was the victim of a shooting in a country where he, along with other right-wing extremist influencers, have been inciting violence for years. — Kirk is neither a martyr nor a hero, he is a cause.

Acts of political violence aren’t acceptable. Non-political school shootings aren’t acceptable. Sacking the legislature isn’t acceptable. Military occupation of peaceful American cities isn’t acceptable. Abductions conducted in courthouse hallways by masked agents of the state aren’t acceptable.

Average doctors appointment if you’re not skinny 🙃

Simpsons did it!

@wheatus.com Welp, I'm gonna be in the car for about 4 more minutes.

"Denise!" 😢

I represented the government prosecuting white supremacists, some of who LIVED IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, and street gang members, and freeman on the land movement people, and members of the Mjahedeen-Fucking-E-Khalq, and I said my goddamned name. What’s with these spineless creeps?

JD Vance went to Disneyland the other day. I wonder if anything started to sink in. "There is just one moon, And one golden sun. And a smile means, Friendship to everyone. Though the mountains divide, And the oceans are wide, It's a small world, after all."

I refuse to call an American concentration camp the same thing it calls itself at its attached gift shop Maybe American journalism should search in the garbage for its self-respect and start taking the same position?

The left better start figuring out how to weaponize today's decision rather than just (rightfully) criticizing it. - Go back into Judge Kaczmaryk's court to dissolve all of his nationwide orders. - Pass gun bans and insist any order applies only to plaintiffs.

His move in Iran is reckless and makes us less safe, but I feel like sticking to the "it's unconstitutional" argument is the wrong way to go. Just about every president I can remember has taken military action without congressional approval.

this is a sith lightsaber, from the war. I keep it on a shelf right next to my stormtrooper armor and imperial officer’s uniform. I’ve even got a verified chunk of the death star from yavin. I’m just a collector. I just think the history is interesting. no, I don’t have any rebel stuff

Y'all notice they're rounding up most of these "freeloading" immigrants AT WORK???!!

@markhamillofficial.bsky.social 9 years ago today. Do you remember? The good old days.

His lucky gloves.

A pair of leather gloves worn by President Abraham Lincoln to Ford’s Theater on the night of his assassination fetched $1.5 million at auction this week.

The Israeli government is committing genocide—one of the greatest evils known to humankind—in Gaza. Executing unarmed non-combatants is evil. Not only are both these statements true, they’re synergistic—part of the same humanist philosophy. I condemn the Israeli government _and_ the DC assassin.