This is magnificent. When you can't show a real operating system in a TV drama, presumably for legal reasons: "Microsoufle° Windoms°95"

She must have been a very hungry kid.

All the new films I’m going to miss 😕

Getting one’s aaffirs in order is easier than I thought.

"My eyes are up here."

The Stranglers used to do Bowie covers like 'The Laughing Gnome' and 'Heroes' but they don't do Gnome or Heroes any more.

I’m sorry, I can’t come in to work tomorrow, I’ve put my back out trying to crack the last of the Christmas walnuts. 😬

My wife got a parcel from eBay and this is what the seller used for packaging #AChristmasstory

Thanks for being, there.

"I remember when this was all fields"

The highlight of my week is watching old episodes of Bullseye from the 80s whilst a bit pissed on a Saturday night #smallpleasures

I wouldn’t tell anyone if I won the lottery but there will be signs

Does anyone know the way. There's got to be a way to...

Oof.

If I had to choose three dinner guests, alive or dead, I'd probably go for dead ones to save on the washing up.

Isn't it weird how nobody feels they have to change their name to become famous? You can be called Judy Cheeks or Keith Sweat and no one turns a hair. I suspect this all started when it became acceptable to have a fridge with SMEG written on it.

No words. 💔 #Justice4Renee

Would you rather be the World’s richest man or the World’s biggest tit? ..Oh, hang on, it’s possible to be both.

Went to one of those speed dating evenings for dentists, it was like pulling teeth.

If you want to play solo leap frog you need to get over yourself.

Hannibal Lecter was so healthy because he had his fava day. ..This concludes my TED talk, thank you for your attention to this matter.

Should the UK rejoin the EU and reverse Brexit? Vote in the Daily Mirror poll👇 www.mirror.co.uk/news/politic...

Roll on Christmas.

This is Ollie. He found a perfectly placed carrot snack on his walk. Simply can't believe his luck. 13/10 best day ever (TT: maxime_aries)

“Put the fucking worm on the fucking hook and cast the fucking thing” - Bob & Paul go coarse fishing. #MortimerandWhitehouse

If Frankenstein’s monster came to me with a business proposal I’d definitely invest because he looks like the kind of guy that’s got his head screwed on.

We can do this 😫

Sure, I’ve got the dread but it’s not Upstairs Downstairs, maths first lesson with Mr Blamires who can hit you with a blackboard rubber at 20 feet kind of dread.

Old MacDonald had a bot farm, AI AI o

Bloody love Turners, great duo (Niche Hull tweet)

If you unplug an electric fence 🤔 Would that make it an acoustic fence!? 🤓

We're going to need a bigger Hague.

trumpkennedycenter.org has some interesting redactions & also introduces the Epstein dancers 🫣

Everybody takes the mickey out of the local nudist, Bobby ‘no pants’ McGee, but I think we should cut him some slacks.

I’ve nearly finished the nuts please send help.

Couldn’t find the last of the stollen, for a minute I thought it had been nicked.

Really struggling to find a photo on the internet of man of the people Nigel Farage holding a pint of beer.

Still got the weekend before work, lads.

Just seen a parking attendant ticketing cars in our village’s free car park. #HappyNewYear

“Yeah, not bad thanks, quiet one, just how I like it” - just rehearsing my lines for Monday 😐

At least we agree with Americans how to write the date for a day a month.

Happy New Year!

Apparently Ronnie Wood is 78 but he has been in his 70s for the last 20 years, surely?#joolshootenanny

Looking forward to my exciting new job as MTV head of advertising beginning in the new year! #MTV

Is it just me that shakes a Brazil nut to see if it rattles prior to cracking it open to assess the odds of it coming out whole? #probablyyouweirdo

Only when the shit hits the fan 😬

I bet there’s not many husbands childish enough to leave the vacuum out to make sure the wife notices it’s been done but I’m one of them 😬

Go round the outside.

I didn't even know that American chickens could swim, never mind have their own swimming pools.