Bed. Or I will be in 10 minutes after I turn off / extinguish the 20 different fucking lights / candles Mrs G insists we have in the living room.

timeline cleanse

Zack Polanski squirts water at people through the gap in his teeth.

Oh, for fuck’s sake, something else that needs power - Me, buying new tech.

In Lidl yesterday and the app wasn’t loading. The guy at the self checkout said “just enter your phone number on screen but don’t put the zero” Einstein here asked “which one?”

I didn't see that coming.

Why don’t you all just marry U.K banknotes 🙄

I need to make a concerted effort to go to more live music.

I’m not one to cast nasturtiums but you’re never going to catch a fish using that as bait.

“I’m constipated, Watson”.

Enjoyably ridiculous #WarMachine

I’m a street photographer and I’ve spent many years photographing women both candidly and in portraits. This is a thread of some of my photos to celebrate International Women’s Day. These images were captured all over the world and some of them go back about 20 years #streetphotography

Seems legit.

Stand up to chancer. #familiarsloganidea #trump #SU2C

I quit smoking 27 years ago, I wonder how much I’d have spent on them if I still smoked now? 🤔

Me and the wife are trying for a baby. If not we'll settle for the massive inflatable hammer. Getting the hoop over the bottle is harder than it looks though.

That's slighting talk where I come from.

It's insane that only 7000 people have signed this.

Several jets flying over Hull in the past half hour 😕

Fun music fact: If the 60s band The Searchers were from Ireland and not Liverpool they’d have been called The Saoirses.

I’m just curious why they insist on finding leaders with the same first name. #nextAyatollah

White rabbits. (That’ll please those reform gits) #whiterabbits

“Is it true that French incontinence month is just a little over two months away? I can’t wait!” …”May wee”.

That's quite a birthday treat!

Alright Matt? Goodwin was it? lol.

Hannah Spencer walking into Westminster, sucking her teeth, tutting, and muttering "tell you what, you've had some cowboys in here."

Characters in films that steal data from computers with usb sticks never eject them safely. Bit risky guys 🙄

‘Friends’ is a beloved American sitcom that aired from 1994 to 2004, following six young adults—Rachel, Ross, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe—living in New York City. The show explores their friendships, romances, careers, and personal growth over ten seasons.

We've found it is far cheaper to buy Wotsits direct from the farm and then ripen them ourselves at home. A couple of days on the windowsill and these will start to go a lovely shade of orange. They'll be ready to eat in a week.

Just driving along the A64 towards Malton and somebody has scrawled ‘ALL GIRLS HAVE BIG FAT ARSES’ on the side of a building.

Happy Birthday Dennis Waterman 🥳🎂

I rarely lol on Facebook but this did it.

Weekend job list.

A little spark of good news.

My daughter moving in for the kill approximately 20 years ago.

Woken up by somebody banging something for half an hour at this time on a Sunday morning 😡 I can tell by the way they are banging said thing they haven’t got a clue what they’re doing 🙄

You can’t beat a bit of Bully #Bullseye #ChallengeTV

Has Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor joined Reform yet?

I miss Beck from the good old days of Twitter.

Bone spurs?

Apparently Hitler was mentioned at the Nuremberg trials many times but it did not suggest any indication of wrongdoing. #Epsteinfiles #Satire

Lost your keys? ..Simply commit a scandalous crime and the police will search your house for free.

Hope you’re having a good Thursday evening.

Seems apt.

I bet he’s sweating now! #topical

One of my pet hates is sitting behind some git in a queue of traffic who constantly has their foot on the brake.

A short poem about hope. It's called 'Hope' So, you won a lucky dip, Which won a lucky dip, Which won a lucky dip which won nothing.