A woman was sure her husband was cheating on her with the maid so she laid a trap. She gave the maid the weekend off without telling her husband. That night when they went to bed the husband gave the old story, “My stomach aches. I have to go to the bathroom.” The wife promptly got into the maids

Husband: You are negative. Me: And you are a stubborn, arrogant, only care about yourself, insensitive and you only care about yourself. My husband: I’m just telling you that your Covid test is negative. Me: 👀😱

I love it when I’m on here with you lot and I don’t have to pretend to be a nice person. That shit is exhausting!

There are an enormous number of ‘outraged’ posts from @loriagne.bsky.social and, tbh, I’m here for each and every one of them! You go girl!!

I hate Kuenssberg. I really fucking do.

Friends…can you help??? It cannot possibly be that two reasonably intelligent adults cannot do the homework of a 7 year old child…can it? Now, I’ve ’come up with’ 13 words but 2 of them are dubious to say the least…

If I could give you just one thing in life, it would be the ability to see yourself through my eyes. Only then would you realise what a feckin cvnt you are…

Do you think anyone has thought of sending this pair in… 👀😂

Them: How do you pronounce that? Me: What? Them: Bourgeois…bourgeoisie Me: With hatred…with fvcking hatred!

I’ve had a very sociable weekend and whilst I can still party like a total legend it turns out I can’t recover like one…

On my way to the shops this morning, I spotted an albino Dalmatian. Tbh, it was the least I could do for him…

Old gals paradox #101 As I’ve aged, my eyesight has got poorer but my ability to see through other peoples bullshit has got much better…

My daughter: I need more toothpaste. Me: okay. I’ll pick some up but it’ll have to go in your Christmas stocking…

Today I learnt that the average adult drops 80-90 swear words a week. Today, I also learnt that I’m above average at something…

Just got my 6 monthly water bill. Useage is up 8% but the bill is up 43%!! All so we can pay - again - for the work the water companies should have been doing for the last 30 years but instead paid themselves bonuses while pouring sewage into our countryside. Thanks Ofwat you absolute bellends.

Me (to my other mum friend): I’m done. I’m selling my child on eBay. My friend: Don’t be silly. You made her. Sell her on Etsy

Them: sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere. Me: Well, it got me to the finals of the World Sarcasm Finals in Peru in ‘97. Them: Really? Me: 👀🙄

My husband and I laugh at how competitive we both are. But I laugh more…

When you reach a certain age and the doctor says put ice on it where it hurts. Me:

My husband: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight! Me: Okay. But if you get home before I do, leave the porch light on, please…

If you ask me, a worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early…

Why would any republicans, including you steve, go to prison…unless of course you have done something illegal? Anyway…here’s the new republican campaign slogan for 2028. Drumroll… VOTE FOR ME OR I’LL GO TO PRISON Sounds great, doesn’t it?

You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool which is the only true way of being cool. This is called The Geezers Paradox.

What do you call a deaf gynaecologist? A lip reader…

They should ban twitter here. He’s a malign influence wherever he is and whatever he says. news.sky.com/story/doom-s...

Them: Open up. It’s the police. Me: Prove it? Them: How? Me: Sing Roxanne…

Or this…

I think I can be summed as per the photo below…

Some young lads interviewed outside a Kansas City football game showing support for Donald Trump. “He’s doing his best.” Listen love. He’s doing his best is what parents say when their toddler is playing a recorder in the school concert. It’s not what you say about the president of the USA.

One thing I've noticed is the sudden use of the word "manhunt". That's an American term which drama fueled overweight small dick macho cops seize upon and has media frothing at the mouth. We're not Americans. Shit happens. Just let the cops do their job silently in the background.

The bias here from all mainstream media makes me sick to my stomach. Should it happen? Of course not. Was it a regular occurrence under the Tories? Yes. Yes it was. Do you ever recall being alerted to it? No, me neither. I’m sick sick sick of it. news.sky.com/story/manhun...

Is it just me or does anyone else feel that today will end with a big bang… 🧨 🎇

Cars these days have too many gadgets. I tried to reverse, and it played a video of someone getting run over by a car…

Just been a passenger in a car with someone who drives like we’ve got extra lives like a bloody cat! 😱😱😱

I don’t know about you but with Christmas coming up this little nugget of advice just might help. I’ve found that the easiest way to do your online shopping is to to just yell out what you want and wait for an ad to pop up. Follow me for more pro tips just like this one…

Honestly, I could die and my boss would get an ouija board and ask me if I got someone to cover my shift…

Can’t decide if I want to go off the radar or off the rails…

If I can’t have her… No one can…

YOUNG PEOPLE. LISTEN UP. Today Nigel Farage said the government should cut the minimum wage for young people ...to “raise aspiration” and “boost business" It's £10ph FFS! Lower your pay so you’ll dream bigger DO YOU SEE IT NOW? Spread far & wide. bylinetimes.com/2025/11/03/n...

Things we did: Built this city. Shot the sheriff. Things we didn’t do: Start the fire. Shoot the deputy. Things we want to do: Break free. Know what love is. Things we will do: Rock you. Anything for love. Things we won’t do: THAT

I bought my husband a pug for his birthday. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like him…

If any of you get a message from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam…

My mate accused me of not being a true Cockney. So I threw him down the apples and oranges! That’ll show him…

I went to a Halloween party last night dressed as a screwdriver. I managed to turn a few heads…

The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.” You?

Jaysus…I nearly had an ‘I need a guy’ moment. Luckily, I was able to open that whiskey bottle myself… Phew!

👀😂👀😂😜

Happy Halloween… to everyone who’s ever ghosted me!

Two robbers were robbing the local off licence. One robber said to the other robber, “Is this Whiskey?” The other robber replied, “Yes, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank…”