I have just submitted an FOI to the Home Office demanding FULL TRANSPARENCY on Palantir’s role in tomorrow’s “Brit Card” mandatory digital ID scheme 🚨 WHY THIS MATTERS: Palantir already has its surveillance tentacles deep in UK infrastructure with 24+ government contracts including: Thread

I mean, how the feck did I ever have the energy to go out on a Friday? I get to Friday night these days and never mind dancing on tables; the effort required for me to get from the sofa to the fridge and back again to full up my wine glass is frankly a bit fvcking much!

So, I was in Oxford the other day and I asked this man, “How do I get to Oxford University?” He replied’ “Do well at school and they might let you in…”

Did you know a shoal of piranhas can strip the skin off a small child in 30 seconds? In other news, I lost my job here at SeaWorld yesterday…

I renewed my car insurance yesterday over the phone and as I was about to hang up, the lady asked me if I had a pet. I said, “Yes. I’ve got a dog.” She said, “Would you like to insure him, too?” I replied, “No thank you. He can’t drive!”…

If you start any part of a conversation with the words “I don’t want to appear racist” you’re already a fvcking racist so go fvck yourself.

I’m in American in California which is a pretty blue state and I’ve met way too many (for my liking) Trump supporters and they are not afraid to say it - and I laugh out loud when they do because I’m not afraid to show my contempt for said support.

Hola from La Jolla! There’s worst ways to acknowledge you’re 64 and no spring chicken anymore!

Sadiq Khan must be doing something right - for a kick off he’s an earworm living in Trumps head! news.sky.com/story/gaza-t...

64 today. Birthday breakfast at Estancia Spa and Hotel in La Jolla!

Birthday selfie! Off to the spa with my daughter for a couple of days! #californiasunshine

Last week of this workout view. I’ll miss it…

White nationalism…I fvcking hate it but there’s something worse going on over here in the States - white Christian nationalism. Bloody nightmare. Coming soon - #TheAmericanInquisition

Not looking that grief stricken with their ‘deep sorrow’…

Wtaf is this about…

When my husband caught me standing on the bathroom scales sucking my tummy in he laughed. “Hahaha. That’s not how it works!” Me: “Sure it is. It’s the only way I can see the numbers…”

Hey, remember the good old days when you didn’t coffee to function and buying jeans didn’t make you cry… Good times, right?

3 men arrived into heaven and were asked how they died. The 1st man said he came home suspecting his wife was cheating on him, looked everywhere, found no one, got so mad he threw the fridge out the window and had a heart attack. 2nd man: I was just walking the dog when BAM a fridge lands on me.

Those who like my posts are happier, more intelligent and better looking than those who don’t. (According to a survey I just made up…)

Guess who I bumped into at the opticians? Everyone!

Doctor: Is there any chance that you might be pregnant? Me: If I am, I’ll behaving birth to some batteries…

The house is beginning to take on a really cosy autumnal feeling…

Calling someone a Karen is so boring. Call them a cvnt like we did in the good old days. You’ll thank me later…

My husband (stopping at the shops on his way home): Ok What are we out of? Me: Milk, patience, fvcks

Lady taking my passport photo: Do you want me to retake tour photo? You look angry. Me: I am angry Her: But you’ll look angry on here for the next 10 years. Me: I’ll still be angry in 10 years

Do something nice for someone today. Leave them alone. Life is hard enough without your bullshit…

I cooked for men that I should have poisoned, so yeah, I do have self control!

I got fired from my bingo calling job last night. Apparently, a meal for two with a hairy view is not the right way to call the number 69…

Website: we use cookies to improve our performance Me: ditto

Would you like to maybe meet up in the woods and just scream at the top of our voices? We could get a coffee after…

I miss the good old days when I didn’t know who the fvck Charlie Kirk was…

In the UK if there’s a ‘special’ election in circumstances like this or even the death of a sitting politician by natural causes, all other political opponents stand aside and do not contest the seat. It would be utterly frowned upon to do anything else…

A drunk man stumbles upon a preacher baptising people in the river. The preacher asks if he’s ready to find Jesus & the drunk enthusiastically agrees. However, after being dunked in the water multiple times, the drunk still can’t find Jesus leading him to

I’m in America right now and I could definitely get behind flags at half mast for Robert Redford… 🥲

True men of faith love thy neighbour as themselves. True men of faith are not misogynists. True men of faith are not racists. He was not a true man of faith and I doubt the pearly gates will be opening for him…

This lady (fvcking heroine) is going round her town taking these flags down - she finds them racist & offensive! Good on her. What I want to know is if the police are prosecuting people who put them up (that’s an offence under uk law) & are they prosecuting the graffiti artists painting flags?

I used my last life line while on national tv to ask my great grandma “What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist? Grandma replies, “A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynaecologist looks up the family bush.”…

At my age, getting lucky means going into a room and remembering why I’m there…

At the supermarket, a beautiful woman waved at a man & said, “Hi.” He didn’t recognise her and said, “Do we know each other?” She said “I think you’re the father of one of my kids” Panicking, he whispered, “Wait, are you the stripper from my stag do?” She replied, “No. I’m your son’s teacher.”

Roasted peach French toast with vanilla mascarpone cream. 😋

For what it’s worth…

Dubai chocolate coffee and I’m not even sorry…

What we know about protests. When it’s morally right it’s peaceful and when it’s morally wrong it’s always violent. Tells you everything you need to know about which side you should be on. Fvck nationalism and fvck the far right.

What percentage of yesterdays ‘Christian’ marchers will be in their local church this morning? I’m guessing at a big fat ‘0’!

It’s every man, woman & child for themselves, isn’t it? None of this ‘love thy neighbour’ shite Not one political party will come out & say enough is enough They are all just desperate to stay in power & the rest of us are just disposable irritants if we object & they’ll throw us to the wolves

He’s right. They do not speak for Britain but the platform they are given by the media would have you believe that every white person in this country is a far right fvcking fascist. Well, I’m white and I’m none of the above. All of it disgusts me and makes me ashamed to be British and white. You?

No one lies more than a mum who says “We’ll see” because we ain’t about to see nothing…

Me: I think it’s time I got my life in order… Morgan Freeman: But she would not get her life in order. In fact, she got drunk that night and fought a raccoon…

A man goes into a barber shop & asks, “How long for a haircut?” The barber looks around & says, “About 2hrs.” The man leaves & comes back the next day. “How long for a haircut?” Barber, “About 3hrs” He leaves again. The barber turns to his assistant & says, “Follow that guy. See

Can any of you keep up with the shit that’s going on everywhere? And the constant rewriting of reality? I can’t and it’s causing me enormous anxiety. I’m normally a calm and rational person but I believe nothing and trust no one. Im aging faster than my actual years. What a fucking time to be alive…