I just read that it takes three sheep to make one jumper. I didn’t even know they could knit…

Would Europe go to war over an invasion of Greenland. I’m old enough to remember when the UK sent a fleet of warships 8,000 miles across the open ocean to defend an island of penguins and sheep. And I’m also honest enough to admit I had zero clue where the Falkland Islands even were at that time…

When I was growing up I thought my mum was always annoyed for no good reason and now look at me… Always Annoyed Jr!

How long does it take a dog to attack? German shepherd: 4 seconds Doberman: 3 seconds Rottweiler: 2 seconds Tan Labrador: 8-10 business days…

Anyone out there experiencing delays beyond the 72 hours it can take for a USA ESTA approval?

Never give your printer hints that you’re in a rush. They can smell fear…

My body creaks so much my doctor just wrote me a prescription for WD-40!

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals. IM LIVID

I’ve just burnt my tongue drinking hot chocolate. A gin and tonic would never have done that to me. Fvck dry January…

Honest to God…I’m not trying to push people’s buttons. I’m usually looking for mute…

Multifucktional… A person who is doing way too many things and is hanging on my a fvcking thread!

Stunning moon from my kitchen window this evening…

I just saw this fella running down the street wearing a cape. I called out, “Are you a superhero?” He replied, “No, I haven’t paid for my haircut…”

So I said to the taxi driver, “Waterloo please mate.” He said, “The station?” I replied, “Well, I’m a bit bloody late for the battle”…

72 hours ago I was young and full of hope… Now, 2026 has already fvcked me up the you know what. What a time to be alive… THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER

Some days the supply of available swear words is insufficient to meet my demands. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER

I recently bought a toilet brush. Long story cut short, I’m going back to toilet paper. Ouch!

I’ve had an enormous bonfire mostly of old unwanted files and honestly, it’s not as easy to keep them burning as you might think. In other news, if I wanted to dispose of a body, cutting it up and burning it would not necessarily be my first choice… THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER

This is who we all are now. Cowed. Silent. Afraid.

The silence is fvcking deafening, isn’t?

I’d be very worried if I was a Canadian or a Greenlander. I really would. This is nothing to do with drugs and everything to do with oil and rare earth minerals - both those countries are sitting on a lot of it.

Maybe I am Mystic Meg. For a small fee I might read your future through my crystal ball…

They’ve closed the books on whether he’ll get the Nobel peace prize next year. It looks a dead cert to me…

That’s all folks…

To anybody I offended last year… FUCK YOU THIS YEAR AS WELL. Thank you for your attention to this matter

Watching A Quiet Place - Day One - that cat? Totally understood the assignment. Best cat acting ever… Should have been named Oscar not Frodo…

Not to brag or anything but I’ve started a long overdue clear out of our garage & taken 2 car loads of shite to the dump. Now home to pulled pork rolls & left over tirimisu (I make the best one you’ve ever tasted. No really, I do!) Tomorrow: 2 more loads of shite to the dump (at least).

If you see someone buying popcorn, sweets and a drink at the cinema, they are definitely a drug dealer. There’s just no other logical explanation for that type of income…

A fvck must be earned. I can’t go around with a bucket of fvcks giving them to everyone. If I feel that you’ve earned it…I will give a fvck! As you were everyone!

I was in bed by 9.40pm and asleep by 10.05 and I still looked like this when I woke up… No late night or alcohol required…just little ole regular me!

My prediction for 2026 - a war with Venezuela will mean no mid term elections. Elections he knows he’s going to lose ‘bigly’. Followed by huge civil unrest across the entirety of the states. I’m no ‘Mystic Meg’ but…

Happy new year. Thank you for all your follows, likes, comments & shares. Don’t expect any new years resolutions from me. You can expect me to stay the same awkward, foul mouthed, sarcastic cow you’ve come to know & love. Will you see more of the same? You’ll have to tune in to find out next year.

Remember to poop before midnight on 31st December. You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into 2026…

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are just not that clever. I had my suspicions when I was a child but I didn’t think the situation was this dire…

Just a gentle reminder that New Years resolutions don’t have to be about positive changes. You can commit to seek revenge, remain petty and disrespect your enemies! Follow me for more life coaching advice like this…

So I said to the cashier on the checkout, “Can you do this any cheaper, it’s got todays date on it?” He replied, “Listen lady, do you want the newspaper or not?”

It’s so fvcking cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someones car with my nipple…

What do you get if you eat christmas decorations? Tinselitis…

When my husband told me to ‘get a grip’… Apparently around his neck is not what he meant!

I love board games. My favourite one is where people put meat and cheese on a board. Maybe some fruit and some crackers. I’m so good at that one.

Ever felt lonely in your own home?

Tommeh hasn’t found Jesus in prison. And he won’t find him when he carps it either. Not unless Jesus is in hell…because that’s where that piece of shite will eventually end up.

Too many people are walking around unmedicated, unsupervised, unexorcised and affecting my bloody life…

Them: Have you got plans for New Years Eve? My plans:

What doesn’t kill you… texts you 6 months later… Stay disconnected!

And I screamed from the top of my lungs… What’s going on..

I won’t be mourning. Another old white nationalist racist bites the dust..,

Diesoon and that fvck wit Witherspoon are two of most odious pieces of shit that ever were born in this country. They are so fvcking out of touch with reality, aren’t they?

If the game was Top Cvnts instead of Top Trumps who’d make your list? Farage The Orange one MuskRat BozoBoris Dieson

If I’ve washed my hands in a public toilet and find that the only option for drying them is a Dyson, I leave without drying them. Even if it was -20c - I’d rather risk fvcking frostbite than give that cvnt the pleasure of my business. #FuckYouDyson