You know fundamentalist Christians believe the world is 12,000 years old! I asked this guy - c'mon man, dinosaur fossils - what's the deal? He said "God put those here to test our faith"..... I think God put you here to test my faith, dude.

I don't care what you believe but you have to admit - beliefs are odd. A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see another fucking cross?

William Melvin Hicks born 16th December 1961. The aliens came for him 26th February 1994. He continues to explore space, both inner and outer.

Works for me

Or.....

There is a third point of view on the gun control issue - those who I refer to as…The Victims….but they remain strangely silent.

It's all about money, not freedom. You think you're free? Try going somewhere without money.

**One of my favourite stand up shows ever is now on YouTube. The inimitable @andrewoneillcomedy.bsky.social presents The History Of Heavy Metal will full band accompaniment. Go see them on tour doing The History Of Punk www.andrewoneill.co.uk/shows youtu.be/pzmHmtSbfOk?...

There never was a war. A war is where TWO armies are fighting.

I remember Bill Hicks called it The Gulf War Distraction. Enjoy your Venezuela Distraction, folks.

The world is like a ride in an amusement park and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun...for a while.

Happy Birthday Bill

[ON L.A. WEATHER] They say "Isn't it great, every day, hot and sunny?" What are you, a fucking lizard? Only reptiles feel that way about this kind of weather. I'm a mammal, I can afford coats, scarves, cappuccino and rosy cheeked women.

It's all about money, not freedom. You think you're free? Try going somewhere without money.

Set up a silly little Bill Hicks quotes account on Twitter years ago before it was a hellhole. It became popular and long story short I ended up being invited to NYC for the premiere of the Bill Hicks movie and meeting his family who I am still in touch with and have met again since. Lovely people.

I hope to go on a work trip with Bill Hicks and Lenny Bruce some day. @billhicksrip.bsky.social @billhicksdotcom.bsky.social @bill-hicks.bsky.social

There is a current trend in the UK to put St George flags and Union Jacks on houses and bridges, I don’t agree with why this. To me being proud of where you come from is celebrating where your parents fucked! @billhicksrip.bsky.social @heisholt.bsky.social can you explain this in Huddersfield?? 😂

The shooting of Charlie Kirk was the 46th school shooting of the year. The 47th one happened moments afterwards. www.cnn.com/2025/09/10/u...

There is a third point of view on the gun control issue - those who I refer to as…The Victims….but they remain strangely silent.

Nobody ever died for a flag. They died for freedom....the freedom also to burn the fucking flag, okay.

Look at the coalition against Iraq. Incredible, that HUUUUUGE coalition, that giant coalition, that included....... England.

Charlie Hodge, ladies and gentlemen, the man that brings me ma scarves an' water...Charlie Hodge.

I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?.......Non-smokers die every day

Hallo friends! If you’re seeing this please give it a bit of love for the algorithm. Hey! I’m in London! I’ll be at Soho Theatre 6-9 August doing my very silly show A Passion For Passion and in Edinburgh after then. 🎟️https://www.alicecomedyfraser.com/upcoming-gigs #APassionForPassion

The Payback is out today, and you can buy it wherever books are sold. It comes highly recommended by Publishers Weekly, Booklist, The Boston Globe, Vanity Fair, the LA Times, the NYT, and dozens of people who hang out on this very website.

I'm sorry, but this may be the funniest Facebook AI slop I have ever seen. Bury me sideways in my coffin, brother. Let my dog see

One of my big fears is I'm gonna die and my parents are gonna come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding to for years.

I actually did that joke in Alabama, right. These three rednecks met me after the show. "Hey, buddy. Come here. Hey, Mr. Comedian. Come here. Hey buddy, we're Christians. We don't like what you said" - I said "then forgive me".

They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts. Sexual thoughts exist and, therefore, there is Playboy. Do you see?

I find it ironic that people who are against sexual thoughts are generally these fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.

He’s sucking on satans cock right now!! @billhicksrip.bsky.social

Here's the commercial they'd like to do, if they could. The ultimate television commercial and we might see it one day yet: Here's the woman's face; beautiful. Camera pulls back; naked breasts. Camera pulls back; totally naked, legs apart, fingers right here...and it just says "Drink Coke!"

Supreme Court says pornography is "Anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thought". That's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit? Causes sexual thought? Hmm…. sounds like... every commercial on television, doesn't it?!

The problem with this country is this whole issue of sexuality and pornography. I don't understand what pornography is, I really don't. To me, pornography is spending all your money and not educating the people in America, and spending it instead on weapons!

Here's my real theory: if you're so pro-life and you're so pro-child, then adopt one that's already here that's very unwanted and very alone and needs someone to take care of it, to get it out of a horrible situation. OK?

What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis, not the young, cool guy.

Remember this shit? If you play certain rock albums backwards there'd be satanic messages?! Let me tell you - if you're sitting round your house playing your albums backwards - you ARE Satan. You needn't look any further. And don't go ruining my stereo to prove a point either.

[ON L.A. WEATHER] They say "Isn't it great, every day, hot and sunny?" What are you, a fucking lizard? Only reptiles feel that way about this kind of weather. I'm a mammal, I can afford coats, scarves, cappuccino and rosy cheeked women.

Did you watch the flag-burning thing? Boy, everyone showed their true colours then, didn't they? Retarded nation that we are. Scary.

"Mommy! Mommy! The man Bill told me to listen to has a blood bubble on his nose"

“I am available for children’s parties, by the way.”

Play from your fucking HHEEAAAAAAAAAARRTT!!!

**About to sit down and watch this. Been looking forward to it all week. @joshgondelman.bsky.social is brilliant.

The world is like a ride in an amusement park and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun...for a while.

I am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light which exists in all of us in our own minds - no middle man required. You know there is a living God that will talk directly to you - not through the pages of a Bible that forgot to mention dinosaurs.

You ever notice how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? "I believe God created me in one day" - Yeah...it looks like he rushed it.

Does that bother anyone here - the idea that God might be...fuckin' with our heads? God's running around burying fossils "Huh-huh-huh...we'll see who believes in me now! Huh huh huh - I'm a prankster God!"