[me watching someone kiss a frog] you are not respecting that frogs boundaries

gonna start muttering “great northern bean!” every time something mystifies or astounds me

We had a really mean python at work and I gave him back to his owner and was like “he was trying to kill me” and his owner said “well, he only has so many ways to interact with the world. All he has is a face” and it Moved Me

“celebrate good times, come on,” she threatened

a little less ai and a lot more ayyyy i’m walkin here

listen, i’m not gonna apologize for party rocking. i’m in charge of my own life, i’ll live however i damn well please

they don't make glasses for dogs. presumably because it'd be comical, or because it might remind people of some uncomfortable truths. but there's gotta be some dogs who need em

why art thou like this

yes this did make me cry, yes i did send in a video of myself accepting this prize with my phone wedged between two boxed wines, yes i feel deeply loved, and yes it is humbling to share this experience and great honor with the first ever recipient of this prize, my hero, my star, dorothy allison

let’s make this hollywood a hollyhome

buffalo wild wings is buffalo normal wings to a fucking freak like me

@kristenarnett.bsky.social got your new book yesterday at the library. So stoked! Thanks for putting your work out there.

i can’t believe i’m saying this, but a 6am flight is top tier. the people watching is next level and half the plane is empty because no one wants to get up and/or they slept through their alarm

started a thing where i teach my cat a new word while simultaneously tipping my hat to him; today’s word is “cornichon”

my wife has started calling my low pony “colonitail” because she says it makes me look like a founding father

every month is gay pride month because i am living in it

anyone can be “girl” if you include a quick “fuck you” immediately after

[going in for a vision test, the doctor peering into my eyes with a light, then scribbling something on their clipboard] bro you can’t see SHIT

if a dog looks at me weird it will ruin the rest of my day, like what the hell man. what kind of evil secretly lurks inside of me that made that happen

not all that interested in visiting planet fitness but i could be persuaded to try out other spots in the galaxy, such as planet naptime or planet two-for-one margaritas

What does it say about you if you think most writers are bad? @kristenarnett.bsky.social has some answers.

[liza minnelli voice] sorry for party rocking

happy hour, happier hour, happiest hour

you are never alone. for instance, there are a lot of ghosts

florida book awards!!!!!! i love florida so much and all my writing is florida writing so winning this makes me feel crazy haha am i crying at the bar maybe who can say

[david attenborough voice] A little bit of Monica in my life A little bit of Erica by my side A little bit of Rita's all I need A little bit of Tina's what I see

that doesn’t sound very panera mix and match menu of you

mcdonald's manager: show the new guy the ropes me: yeah no prob *opens drawer* we use them to restrain grimace

in order to properly defend your thesis, you must first secure your fort and make sure that your artillery is amply stocked; next, ready the troops for battle

the coolest most fun thing you could ever do is respect your beautiful wife

passed a jeep wrangler on the road with a license plate that read PH JEEPS, which rules

you can drink a gatorade AND a beer in the shower, hydration station, no one’s stopping you

Only Loose Purse Candy has that real purse flavor!

the essay is “Dear Friends” by Mary Ruefle. highly recommend it.

what if my “healing journey” involves consuming an entire twelve pack of beer

Am I the asshole for not wanting to do an author photo for my debut novel? @kristenarnett.bsky.social answers your questions.

I'm excited about Ravenous, a brand-new worker-owned food culture media org with beloved contributors like @jayasaxena.com! Subscribe!

[longest, deepest breath in the entire world] i’m at juuuuuuuury duuuuuuuuty

maybe our lord and savior arose from the grave on the third day because he really wanted to crack open a cold one with the boys

i’m about to animorph into a periodical cicada so i can sleep for 17 years and then just wake up and scream and die

you can put any pictures you want in a locket! throw in a snapshot of a cold can of miller lite, beautiful

fool me once, please don’t do that. fool me twice, c’mon man not again, i asked nicely

at this point all i have to do is look at a pillow wrong and it will hurt my neck

ready or not 3: you didn’t close your eyes all the way when you were counting, you’re cheating, i’m telling mom

blackberries really are that bitch

I reviewed Lio Min’s debut Beating Heart Baby, a queer YA romance set in perhaps the most intense high school marching band in Los Angeles.

woke up to this text from my wife this morning

"Spend time with people who seem glad to see you." This is actually a life philosophy @kristenarnett.bsky.social lithub.com/am-i-the-ass...

Am I the asshole for trying to pitch editors and agents at crowded AWP parties? @kristenarnett.bsky.social answers this and your other awkward questions.