Best friend just got a huge promotion and is making more money than I ever will. But we did cut off a cats penis yesterday.

Remembering my family all laughing around the table at dinner about how my dad would take heavy duty opiates to deal with a minor headache

Good morning pee pee

Pressed a button that turned the clinic phones off for half the day yesterday

Mrs breakfast has come to talk to me on the toilet

My life is hard

This website has invented a dying woman and used AI to try to sell mass produced Christmas ornaments

Oh she splashin around

When a man glances at my boobs as I’m walking past. Soak it all in buddy. And you’re welcome;

Just saw a man waving at someone across the street trying to get their attention. Big ick.

My god how does he do it

I’m in a fucking , situation again

Welp here he is. Fuckin hell.

Put too much hand cream on while I was walking to work and was so focused on getting the excess off my hands I walked in front of a speeding vehicle

Saw a man on king street who I was like “I know him where do I know him from” it hit me that it’s just that he looks like Gary Busey

Desperate to come outside

My mother turns 60 next month. I remember my grandmother turning 60. It only just occurred to me that means I am of the age where I should have a child.

I had to go to the bathroom to throw up at the most expensive restaurant I’ve ever been to

Everyone else is in surgery and I’m the only one who can answer the phone rn but I’m on the toilet praying for death please please no one call

I came into work to find the turtle I named Shelton John is DEAD

Everything I do is for the birds

Stop 👏 kidnapping 👏 healthy 👏 fledglings 👏 Thankfully this guy was abducted around the corner from the clinic so after a little feed (because a man had helpfully contained him in a bucket overnight so his parents couldn’t get to him) I managed to find his mum and reunite them

Oh I’m charmed by this

I’m catnip to white men with dreadlocks

He’s protecting me from psychic attack

Walked in to a dead patient, haemorrhagic diarrhoea sprayed on me, blubbered through 3 euthanasias including one where a little boy said goodbye to a cat that was older than him and was haemorrhaging from my big horrible vagina the entire time

Saw some teens in “Shakespeare boot camp” t shirts and man that’s exactly the gay nerd shit I would’ve been roped into at their age. I hope they know how to fight.

Been trying for 3 years to tell him about his son but he’s been dodging me. Now it’s time.

He’s doing really well btw I was on stinkbug duty yesterday and he’s just gorgeous and stupid

In another life I was a big beefy woman security guard with a weird little husband that I throw around the room

Don’t call it this please I’m just trying to get anti nausea don’t rope me in with the bum people

man walking in front of me has a coin sized wet spot on the ass of his shorts. I’m not making a big deal about it though because that’s what COMMUNITY means

My new thing to be haunted by is the 2004 tsunami

This manicure has lifted me out of a depression

Fellas send this to your girl and say “us” thank me later

Do you think this is just human trafficking

Mothers darling boy

The NEW and IMPROVED video I have made recapping GOLDFISH SURGERY!!!

Less than 24hrs after I dropped him off my guy was adopted 😭

Almost forgot she’s the only thing that matters

Mr lasagna is going to a rescue this morning and I feel as a mother who’s babe is torn from her breast… he is divine and I want to keep him more than anything but alas

Hi everyone we are operating on a goldfish today

Imagine complaining to the media about a native bird. These people should be eradicated. Live in a skyscraper if you’re so fucked off.

Just relaxing in the staff room

Are we all across the storefront on south king street that appears to just be selling a collection of Found Items.

I’m innovating right now btw

Just got our shit fucked up big time

*desperate for Twitter comedian dick* I’m watching. Michael Manns “Heat” I love steely Dan