Kinda crazy my uncle tried to get the kids taken off his ex because she accidentally synced a nude to the family iCloud but the entire time he was being a full blown child molester lol

Do you guts trust me to try to vibrate a shit out of your constipated bearded dragon

Being married to an American is stuff like he goes “oh no they demolished the red lobster in Kingston!!” That means nothing to me xxxxx but I’m sorry

Imagine making this joke to Ken Jennings and doing a smug little chuckle and closing Bluesky for iPad and coming back and this happened. I’d be hanging off a pier by noon.

Five dollar coffee so I could use the bathroom to #shit a crap on the way to work that’s a dollar and pound bargain

Wow!!! This has really made me think this morning !!

We have been gifted a promotional body bag from a crematorium we no longer use and I prefer the plain black ones.

Him: you better not have been chewing on blue crepe paper again Me:

coles truck in the woolworths parking lot... ill fortune comin

Oh ok silly gooses

youtu.be/1v2QLcmStbI?... this is the one this is it.

Just did a pitch perfect rendition of me and Bobby McGee to a room of people on their phones… they don’t know

As subjects of The Empire I do keep a picture of the monarch in the house (Lady Greyhound the mascot for Greyhound Busses in the 1950’s)

Standing at the counter at Woolworths literally this close to it. My hand is on the counter. And this woman comes up to my side. Sticks her head in my field of vision. And says “ARE YOU WAITING?”

Some of you would crumble if you had to spend one morning scooping the amount of shit that I scoop daily

Idiot terrorist moron

Pissed in my SKIMS because the pussy piss hole flap is too narrow #pissedinmyskims

Sitting with a little dog who’s here as moral support for his brother who’s getting closed up after surgery. The tumour in his bladder is massive and so he will be going to sleep. And the little guy has no idea he’s about to lose his brother and I wish it was me instead lol

(transferring to Arthur’s school from Arthur) so what the fuck are you guys

Can u watch them while I go smoke

Now I am become happy. Haver of a nice day.

I’ve been doing a little slicked back thing today and I don’t hate myself for once

Walked in on a water dragon with extreme gravitas at the friendship garden

People who wake up later than 6am do not understand how many tasks you can achieve prior to midday. I’ve lived an entire life today and it’s not even 1.

Very funny to offer your services as a copywriter with a chat gpt written email

Got a few ozempic q’s cos I lost like 20kg but it’s just this 4 days a week

I feel sooooo cunty when I use a clipboard at work like yessssss I’m doing tasks

Few joys on earth greater than walking around the front desk to see the rabbit someone has brought in is a Flemish giant

This is sooooo embarrassing I’ve never saved a life in my life

I come home after 12 hours and am abused harrassed and attacked by him! Harangued!! Tormented!!

This turtles flappers are MEATY

At petbarn and the cashiers were joking about how nice it would be to have a power so they couldn’t work so I chimed in like “do you ever just want to have a minor accident on the way in to get the day off” and the guy goes “well I’m a manager so it’s actually really important that I’m here” okay

How it feels to be waiting outside a shop before it opens

Saturday night yall know what that means

My work is very important

I was at target in downtown Seattle and they lock up the fart pills. You have to ask a lady to come and get the fart pills out for you :(

Absolutely stunning day today that I planned to spend at the museum and getting lunch but my pug decided to viciously attack Portia (looking in to it don’t worry) and now she’s wigging out on Buprenorphine on the couch after we had to stitch her up at work

Wow! Being welcomed in to @duckhonkin.bsky.social ‘s home!

Bring your creature to work day

@themountaingoats.bsky.social please … please … I need a ticket to see you in Sydney. I’m a nice and also a normal girl. Please.

She’s so rowdy and I can’t handle her today

I think today’s the day that I finally get enough fiber

You will see yourself in all things if only you really look

A man getting a small coffee is kind of fruity. Oh just a little one? What are you afraid of?

I think philosophy is just a bunch of crap. Everything just is what it is.

There are some parts of Sydney where it really does look like the garden district in NOLA

Asked my husband if we had anything lying around at home I could use as a ramp for a turtle guest and he built her a dry dock

Feeling rested and refreshed!!!

It is crazy that the lady who had him first kept him in a cage at all times because he’s a luxurious bed time boy. He’s my languid little chap.

Really don’t need a car where I live but it’s nice to be able to pack these stinkers up and take them somewhere new