Lol y'all know the Democrats didn't shut the government down cause they ain't capable of shit

There might not be anything more absurdly funny than the idea that the Creator of the Entire Universe is omnipotent and will inevitably defeat Evil...but not yet.

I dare any Republican on the Hill to match this or any other form of benevolence.

I would LOVE to see a Radical Left in this country, but all we have is the Impotent Left.

I care about healthcare, sure. But it's kinda low on the "immediate problem" list.

I spit out my drink. @shinyruins.bsky.social

We're just asking if we do a deal, please Lucy don't sign the deal and then immediately start taking away the football. A deal should be a deal.

It's refreshing to see important leaders stand up (and walk out on) a dictator.

if you dont stop calling us nazis we will have the secret police disappear you to a slave labor camp

The US dollar for the past year. Everything is fine, right? Yeah, everything is fine.

If people in a movie hold a man's kid until he meets their demands, are they not the bad guys?

Son: "Kill the fly, dad!" Dad: *kills the fly* Son: "I miss him." Dad: "You miss the fly?" Son: "Yeah. You know I'm emotional."

My 8-year-old son gets in the car after school and says, "My friends at school love liquor!" I do a double take until he says that his new stuffed dog toy loves to lick everybody. "Licker."

@shinyruins.bsky.social Wat the f?

The Steelers have had three coaches since 1969. The Raiders have had three coaches since 2022.

The Bears crushed the Cowboys! I'm gonna need a few minutes to get my breath back from laughing so hard.

We're already at the "third example of extrajudicial killing" phase of tyranny? Any thoughts @hakeem-jeffries.bsky.social @schumer.senate.gov ?

Important to keep remembering and repeating that Kimmel didn't mock Charlie Kirk or celebrate his death in the monologue. He mocked the president's lack of feeling and criticized the regime.

That's why my home security system is just a lock box where the robber can leave 15% when he's done.

They're Mmm, Mmm, Bad!

Or as they called him in high school, Chuck "Neville Chamberlain" Schumer.

just the most charmin-soft babies, I have been online for decades and have somehow never thrown a tantrum about people complaining about white men even though I am one

"You had to go steal a white person's spot..." That's who we lowered flags to half mast for.

Tulsi Gabbard is right to say that the killing of Charlie Kirk is like 9/11 in that right after both happened, conservatives immediately blamed the wrong people for it

"Facts don't care about your feelings" applies to the far-right that spouts the phrase, too. Not just to everyone they hate.

Luigi kills one and they want the death penalty. This dude kills one and they want the death penalty. Meanwhile, the El Paso shooter who killed 26 gets life in prison.

I just watched Robocop (1987) for the first time. What a stupid, yet awesome movie. It was perfectly silly with just the right amount of people getting shot twelve times and surviving. A+

"Everything is God's plan." Have you ever noticed that God's plan has a lot of murder and homelessness in it? Weird.

A radicalized group of religious zealots wants to harm Americans after the attack of September 10th. What a weird timeline we're on.

“awful people don’t deserve to be killed, but they don’t deserve to be praised, either” is apparently a thought too complex for the pundit mind

Thoughts and prayers.

"I think it's worth to have a cost of, unfortunately, some gun deaths every single year so that we can have the Second Amendment to protect our other God-given rights" - Charlie Kirk, 2023 Molon labe, I guess?

Mike Johnson after being violently awoken by armed federal soldiers at midnight: "I didn't mean ME!"

The Chiefs are in a two-game losing streak. I wonder if they can pull out of this for the playoffs.

They mention clients who applied for asylum in 2015 and still haven't had an interview. Why would anybody want to come here anymore?

If my autism was caused by my mother taking Tylenol while pregnant, then I'm glad she could get some relief from the pain.

King Solomon: I will cut this baby in half and each of you can take one. First woman: No! Second Woman: Yeah sure, whatever. The entire court: *staring at the second woman* Second Woman: "What?!"

If a foreigner comes into America and commits a crime, they are arrested because they are subject to the law of the land even though they are not citizens of that land. But if they are subject to our laws, then they are protected by our due process in the same manner.

The polio generation is aging out, so we are losing those who were directly affected by the scourge. And yet, that shouldn't be a direct hit on vaccinations. Being accustomed to living in the antibiotic age shouldn't make us forget about the past. But here we are.

We are on the dumbest timeline with the dumbest people making the dumbest decisions that will hurt so many good people.

*looking at every statute in American law* "You know, I'm starting to think that unilaterally annihilating a boat full of people might be considered murder." NYT: Trump Pushes the Boundaries of His Presidential Authority to Murder People

All of the ship's crew when they throw Jonah overboard and the storm that threatened to capsize their boat immediately calms: "Well that was fucking weird."

The CIA was supposed to do this and then deny it. That's the America I know. We don't need another Edward Snowden for this shit. It's right in our faces all of the time.

I'm wheezing.

A brain worm says what?