this is cool, but I got it after taking a “which power ranger would be?” quiz

there’s a very thin line between being overly competitive and being a jealous little bitch. I manage to do both wonderfully, thank you very much.

calling yourselves The Knights of the Round Table is some real Team Discovery Channel level nerd shit. nobody cares how you run your meetings

Stephen Miller talks a lot of shit for a guy who looks like a moldy cum sock.

the puppy is asleep so I’m going to get as stoned as I possibly can and put on the golden girls

robbing a bank with one of those novelty guns that shoots mustard so I can say I was doing a bit of the cops get me

got fired after my first day as a plumber because I kept getting mad and bashing the pipes because none of them were big enough to warp through

I also wish Kelsey Grammer had fought in Vietnam.

Read the damn room, Mr. Met.

turned on the sheep detectives without considering my dog is a mix of two herding breeds and long story short I need a new tv now

Oh man i woke up this morning and the city name and exact time appeared in the lower left with clicky-clack typewriter sounds. Bro i do not have time for this shit

tried to pump up the team on my first day as their new manager but the old manager got fired earlier that day and it was really tense in the clubhouse so I just started singing danny boy until everybody was singing and crying and we lost 23-0 but grew closer as friends. I was fired the next day.

Looking forward to the new era of Mets baseball, and the following new era that will begin next spring, and the new era after that in 2029 after the next guy is fired

flexing all my muscles as hard as I can until all of my bones start to hurt and my eyes bleed so the cute girl at the gas station notices me

Schwarzenegger? Stallone? There is no try.

pretty devastating dunk at the end of this paragraph

I would like to own a small house for myself and the dog someday, which might happen if I’m somehow able to finish The Device and implement The Plan. you’ll all know when it happens.

got thrown out of the orgy for suggesting we play a quick ice breaking game to get to know each other before we started.

it is grimly funny to see both republicans and democrats freak out because some dsa candidates won in a city they’re all scared of and talk shit about anyway.

It's too bad that Carlos Mendoza wasn't a very good manager because he seems like one of the nicest, coolest guys you'd want to have around your team. I don't know this Andy Green fella at all, but I'm picturing a combination of Andy Milonakis and Tom Green, which would be fun. Is that who he is?

had a dream last night there was a hospital wide meeting where they read off the number of sick days each person has taken this year so far and I was sweating and pulling at my collar and I wasn’t even in the top 200 so then I got mad for a different reason. Still angry and I’m awake.

knocking somebody down means you pushed them over, but knocking somebody up means you got them pregnant. makes you think. about society I mean.

I don’t know. I think Lanterns looks pretty good.

how many knife fights do you have to lose before you realize you’re not cut out for the deadliest dance, the steel samba, the machete macarena

as an empath i can sense that its bedtime

hell yeah fuck him up, Toad

there's something really special about a place in this world where people have been gathering for literal millennia to complain about the seating's lack of upper back support

Jabba the Hutt: *looking at Cassian Andor, gesturing* Ya Fussa Pleeka Jutu "Y tu mamá también" Ho Ho Ho Ho Salacious Crumb: HeeeeeHehheheheEEE

If I owned a business I’d love hiring people. I’d have as many employees as I could. This way when all the dumb c suite mbas have laid off all of their staff for AI, me and my gang of hyper loyal human employees can just saunter in and take the business for ourselves. We’d own Coca-Cola in a week.

I’d be a good scheming vizier but in a nice way, like I’d scheme to get us a 4 day work week and unlimited sick days.

you don’t ever want to hear another person talk about your skin

half of you are lawyers or failed out of law school, right? Quick question: can I sue my job because it bums me out that I have to do it?

eternal mood

more like the bad jerk court, am I right? I do not know what's happening.

Anthony Edwards might beat the shit out of LaMelo before pre-season is over.

my friend’s son thinks I look like David Peterson so this is how I found out about the trade

hypothetically speaking would it be worse for the environment to burn a data center to the ground or to let it keep running?

I love very specific repair people. People whose job is to fix garage doors or people who still work on vacuum cleaners. I just want to ask them a lot of questions about what makes the dishwasher work like it does.

I think now that the Blazers are owned by this guy I have to find another team to cheer for until he sells. He's already being a weird cheap asshole about coaching contracts. Can't stomach it. Which team has the least terrible ownership? en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_...

the movie Ghoulies has stayed stayed with me for almost 40 years because ever since I saw it as a kid I’ve looked at each toilet like “maybe there’s a ghoulie in there” and brace for a potential ghoulieing whenever I need to piss or shit.

I like when rich people act like they have some better understanding of the world and should be listened to above others because they’ve managed to make lots of money. They can’t turn on a desktop computer without calling for help, but we should heed their wise words.

so weird how the baseball season was only 1 game long this year. ah well crazy times am I right?

I’ve wanted to be 30-50 years old for as long as I can remember.

this you?

he seems like a good person but I think a turning point for american society was the few years Ed Helms was one of the most famous people in the country, we never really recovered from that

started rewatching the comedy bang bang tv show today and forgot the first episode is Zach Galifianakis, Andy Daly and Will Forte. Just going for broke right off the bat.

I really love getting very stoned and reading for a while. That hour and those 2.5 pages I manage to make it through are an oasis in my day.

4:20 blaze it light em up smoke that stuff roast that devil’s lettuce do drugs and have fun

Smashed three car windows already to save dogs from the heat. Haven’t found any yet but I’m not giving up.

I wonder if there will be a moment before he dies when he realizes all he’s done wrong and in that one, tiny, final moment feels regret and reaches out in anguish only to be met with a gentle “shh shh it’s okay” from a child whose name he has long forgotten.