Your honor, if you could make me a grilled cheese and have the bailiff get me a ginger ale, we can continue the trial as soon as my mom gets here with my blankie. Thank you, your honor. Crusts are fine, sir. Yes I understand this is unusual during a murder trial but my client isn’t going anywhere.

None of this would be happening if we had elected fictional President Jedidiah Clambake from the west wing tv show.

a god dang cheeto in the friggin white house

you did this to yourself

68° and sunny. i’m calling it. you don’t have to work anymore today if you don’t want to

If my boss bought me a pair of shoes I’d be filing a “this is fucking weird, right?” complaint with HR before he left my office. I’d never wear evidence like that.

Fox Sports graphics department going hard

Oh so the stock market is just straight up fake huh

it’s stick time baybeeee

It’s 65 and sunny in March in WNY and I have a puppy who loves to walk. Reaching unforeseen levels of “fuck it I’m just leavin’” at work today.

I can’t wait for this guy to be dead. Won’t solve all the problems but it’ll solve a big one (him being alive).

need to bring back calling people lickspittles that was a good insult from back in the day and really hits the nail on the head re: what we're dealing with now

A lot of "I don't understand why so many people are going along with this!" stuff going on today and I want to make it really simple for you: a lot of people are evil. Congratulations on not being one of them. You passed the test.

A fun thing to do with little fellas who have big trucks is to ask them if they were being environmentally conscientious when they decided on "the small model." Gets 'em in a tizzy. Their little heads all confused.

"I'll get my gun," said Frog.

It's not great that all the world's leaders keeping looking at regular people and going "won't you please do something to stop us?"

Just got back from the white homeland. Somehow gained 15 pounds since they cook everything *in* mayonnaise. Every store is a J. Crew or what they call a “Not Gay Whole Foods” which only sells red meat and scotch. The only sport is competitive CTE. It was a nightmare.

[opening the doors of my time machine in London, the year is 1348] people of London I oh my god it smells so bad oh my god like so bad ugh no I can’t with this you all figure the plague out on your own fuckin ridiculous [flies away]

Just had a Scooby doo moment with the puppy where we were outside in the dark and heard a noise and she startled and I startled and we looked at each other and both fast walked into the house, bravely, so she could have a bone and I could smoke a bong.

Does anybody know where I can find the Inside the Actors Studio with Shaquille O’Neal? Doesn’t seem to be available anywhere.

when the edible hits and you try to play it cool

when you have your chicky

I used to want to run for office but then I’d go through my life looking for things and would make it to high school when my friends and I cheated on a Spanish test and I’d always be like “I don’t want that coming out” but these days people are straight up nazis so maybe I need to rethink.

Me: “hey siri, set an alarm for the end of days.” Siri: “setting an alarm for 6 days and 12 hours from now.” Me: “uh oh.”

brother you have no idea

Can tell things are going poorly for Trump because now suddenly all but his vocal supporters “don’t talk politics” anymore in real life. Interesting.

The closest we get to a real life twilight zone is the first 5-10 minutes we wake up on the first day of daylight saving time and your phone has changed to the new time but all the other clocks in your home haven’t yet.

Guy at Primus concert: It’s almost like heavier than heavy music. Because it’s so challenging. Primus: I’m a real funny bunny, and I know you’ll be my honey, when I put on my big wig and preen, That hunter got a shock, when I went and called him doc, and started munching beta-carotene. YIPPEE!

until act three the shark in Jaws doesn't even know people are mad at him. he's just hanging out

Italy players are celebrating home runs by taking a shot of espresso

Just got back from my first day on the job with the mafia and I think I messed up by asking everybody if they wanted to go to Quiznos for lunch and play some get to know ya games.

[inhaling 3 donuts and a large cold brew] who wants to fight me? Who here in this dunkin donut shop wants to throw hands out back?

It probably feels pretty good to get beheaded by a huge broadsword.

Whenever I watch baseball I feel dumb for not focusing more on it when I was young but then I remember seeing a fastball whiz by me at 75mph for the first time and I noped out so hard I took up golf.

Hank Azaria: today I come before you, America, with proof of who the Zodiac truly was, Reporter: do it as Wiggum Hank Azaria, sadly: ok ok, *Wiggum voice* so it was- Reporter: no do the whole thing as Wiggum, no wait as Moe! Do it as Moe Hank Azaria: so I was wiping down the bar the other day-

Everything is so god damn stupid all the time.

is he peeing in the bath

look, we all get down from time to time. stop picking on the poor stock markets they are clearly upset by all of this

Excuse you?!

Shohei is already 3 for 3 with a homer and 5 RBIs in the WBC. It’s the second inning.

“Who…who are—what do you want from me?” said the visibly trembling 15-time all-star, who nervously backed away from the tiny novelty doppelgänger as it stared in unblinking silence, its head nodding in a slow, chilling rhythm.

monster

Dog Loves Bungee Jumping, Owner Of Bungee-Jumping Dog Reports https://theonion.com/dog-loves-bungee-jumping-owner-of-bungee-jumping-dog-reports/

A lot of you are saying pretty negative stuff about Markwayne but I respect the man for writing Tom Sawyer

I saw radical narco communism open for REM at the Montana Bay Bar and Grille in 1983.

Work wants to start doing more staff outings and, like, no nuts give us more money and time off.

Boots? On the ground? In this economy?