Me: I want to go out after work today and do something fun. My body:

Getting spotted at the Asian grocery store:

Get a dog, they said.

Man, people in power need to stop taking Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal so seriously. You do know it was satire, right??

Taking joy in the little things is so incredibly important right now. I had a surprise visit from my youngest sister yesterday and it was so great to see her face and get to spend time with her. We have to find those moments, even while the world is on fire.

But have you ever even experienced the pure joy of trying to give a cat a pill it absolutely does not want, bro?

ICE recruiters be like:

In our hands is placed a power greater than their hoarded gold, Greater than the might of armies, magnified a thousand-fold. We can bring to birth a new world from the ashes of the old For the union makes us strong. Solidarity forever, for the union makes us strong.

Glad that we're commercializing the death of empathy (now for kids!) and telling your family members you think they need to get laid under the thinly veiled guise of a pre-paid "dating" app subscription. The end is in sight and it ain't pretty.

Man, I love getting the exact side effects from the rescue medication I just took to get rid of those symptoms. No notes for this doctor. 10/10 prescription.

Not someone mistaking an egret for a housepet on Nextdoor this morning...

Have I mentioned how much I love it here?

Why does every presidential corruption scandal revolve around Deep Throat?

Art of the Deal, more like Art of the Kneel.

There must be a special place in hell for people who post food videos with "comment RECIPE and I'll send it to you :)" as the subject. This is the modern equivalent of recipe gatekeeping from the 50s and is just disgusting behavior.

Happy N7 day! Just finished my 3rd playthrough two days ago.

HELL YES CHICAGO KICKS ASS AND HATERS KICK ROCKS

Give us Lord our daily fiber. Forgive us our diets' lack of fruits and vegetables. Save us from the leftover Halloween candy. Now and Later, Good & Plenty. Amen.

Reading a book for work. Turns out it's very kink-positive.

No Kings Chicago!!! 🇺🇲

We out here. ✊🏻

Me, trying to be healthy and adding protein powder to my coffee every morning and then finding out protein powders contain lead:

To the person who left this on our door, I don't think it's considered a test if the answer is automatically no every time. But the line "you are a MURDERER in your heart" does go hard, which I find unfortunate as a steadfast atheist.

To the person who stole my chocolate bars in the SeaTac: haha get fucked you didn't steal anything important. But also, your mom's a ho and you owe me $30 or exactly one black sesame chocolate bar, or an equivalent.

God I love Mass Effect.

#susieesse #braincomic

Ah yes, a Halloween treadmill. For Halloween. The only season I would ever need it for.

My lunch was a disappointment and now I’m a brat.

What's your sign?

before anyone asks I do in fact have adhd

MAGA 3 days ago: Chicago is about to find out the meaning of WAR MAGA today: the left needs to stop condoning violence

Just saw Death Becomes Her, an early nineties film that deserves much more acclaim and a cult following. The plot and FX are *chef's kiss*.

Thys meetinge koude have been a poignant and thought-provokinge expressionist filme

Me, in the middle of literally anything when my work phone goes off:

Trust me, I have at least 4 more, but this the main guy.

Big tip for moving halfway across the country: only bring the important stuff.

Until moving to a more well-populated area, I had yet to experience someone stealing my literal trash. Twice now, someone has just taken large items from our pile, most recent being a moldy washer, for which they traded us a baby's car seat. You do you, I guess?

One of the workers installing the new AC/furnace is outside my office window and listening to some serious bops. Into it.

Was going to our new town's website to get some info and I realized that I have probably played too much Dragon Age.

We have one (1) storm, and our ceiling starts leaking. Helen Ivaska, you're a slimy piece of shit.

This happened a couple weeks ago, but I need to say it: please do not send me unsolicited plants in the mail. I know if was a surprise gift, but it will die, and I can't have that on my consience.

Me when you're Helen:

Time for a new washer because we've got ✨️mold✨️

Me, every day because of some avoidable inconvenience caused by a woman I hope to never meet:

Sims 3 really had me out here believing that if I had too many things hanging on my walls in my actual house that it would burst into flames. I fear having too many posters on my walls because of this. Iykyk.

I love rolling up garbage into a ball to create cosmos.