It’s a "crisis" when immigrants "take jobs away", but "innovation" when machines do. Funny.

This man is either homeless, and has secured a bed for the next year, or is partially living out their dream for the lifestyle of an international DJ. Either way, I fear this post is sidetracked my day to a ruinous point as I open GoogleMaps start calculating his weekly travel hours #annualleave

Six weeks ago, I picked up a year-old tawny owl with a broken leg off the main road near our home and dropped him off at our nearest vet. After a few days, I received one of the most bizarre phone calls I’ve ever had, asking “So when are you coming to pick up your owl?” 🧵

That Hegseth prick’s speech was just this, wasn’t it? Well this is what I heard, with FAFO proudly scattered through the lyrics.

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

Why? Does the left have a huge surplus of lasagne?

Dog days

Look how lovely my garden looks now I’ve put a big red dog in it

Back to work after a long weekend where I ate all the seafood and received a summerdog

You should always keep it. Take it home. Put it in a jar. When there’s enough of them you can squish them together and make a voodoo doll of yourself.

Tomorrow and Sunday I have a 3-man Hardscape crew coming to my garden with ‘a few tonnes of aggregates’ to rebuild the paths I demolished whilst on my bamboo eradication mission, and lift, dig down 2 feet, add proper bases and drainage then re-lay three patios.

I’ve had a few of my London squad over today, it was good times. Eating, drinking (no booze), a country walk, chatting about everything and nothing, and a perfect little housewarming gift (coasters made of vinyl)

Sweaty post-rave selfie because tonight I did some raving in a field. It was excellent. Tomorrow we spa (not the convenience store)

Train driver. A train was recently late reaching Fenchurch Street Station because, while at one of the train stations along the route, I had to wait for a cat to finish licking his balls and move off the tracks.

At last. Off you fuck, you despicable cunt. Losing you on a free to Pentonville FC would make my day.

I snorted.

Ferocious beast

lol what happened here

I’m afraid I simply do not know the event that led to this song.

On Weds eve I had finished work and was doing some work in the garden. I sat down and picked up my phone to see 87 WhatsApp messages in our big friend group chat. The first of the days messages was from my friend Edd with a bbc news link and the words ‘Annabel died’ I’m so sad, and so so angry.

tbf, I bombed a country when no one came to my birthday party too.

It's one year since Chris Sutton was asked if Mbappe would be able to play with his broken nose in the Euros and he wrote the funniest thing I've ever read.

Keir Starmer endorses an attack which his own Attorney General has advised may be illegal

At least Tony Blair did 4 years’ worth of good stuff before dissolving his soul and signing off on an illegal war. Starmer, why are you such a useless cunt?

Why would congress choose choose human lives over $$$? They’re only really bothered about ‘lives’ before they are actually born.

This is the last thing the BBC needs

I can’t decide whether this is bait or whether this person is so genuinely useless that they can’t modify the recipe for a double-sized cup of tea

Liz Truss is heading to the White House with a chicken, lager and a fishing rod.

I'm just glad one of these men has the nuclear codes and the other has all our personal data.

With Tom Hardy’s quiet, amiable brutality and the lunacy of Helen Mirren as Granny Psycho-Cunt (and despite of the terrible Irish accents and the ‘Guy Ritchie-ness’ of it all) I’m quite liking MobLand

Just go to Butlins, Susan.

It's global running day!! *doesn't run anywhere, as usual*

A little video of sanctuary life

A year ago, I was volunteering at a horse sanctuary in Guildford and decided I wanted to spend an extended period volunteering with animals I’d posted about the horse sanctuary and the algorithm did its thing and fed #jacobsridgeanimalsanctuary to me

Nigel escaped this morning, and headed straight to brunch

Right. I’m off to be a vegan and live in a tent, and hang out with 180 rescue animals. If you don’t like animals, you probs wanna mute me for 2 weeks (or forever, probably)

See bsky.app/profile/mike...

I never liked geography (or is it geology) or physics but in the middle of this quite interesting tale is a place that sounds like Donald Trump and Elon Musk had a baby and it was a country or city or town or place or whatever it is (told you I’m shit with geography)

I’m not sure I was ever aware of Eurovision before Twitter. I’ve only watched it twice. Both times with people I met off Twitter. Now Twitter is dead I’ll probably never watch it again (I didn’t really like it)

Just two former hedonists trying to make plans to see each other, as we’ve just been too busy being middle aged to meet up for 6 months. When did this happen??

I’ve never regretted not having kids, and whenever I hear about someone’s school WhatsApp group I’m even more certain I made the right decision.

My self control is not brilliant when I’m too tired About to start responding ‘your mum’ to all the annoying posts on that awful Next Door app

I’ve been awake since 2am. Im on the train home from work. Fell asleep for about 43 seconds but it felt like hours. Woke up and panicked as I looked out of the window and saw my train roll past Sheffield train station. Shenfield.

Just started watching MobLand. 5 mins in and I’m shocked that the big main gangster (Piers Brosnan) appears to be Welsh. Unusual. Big London gang bosses aren’t usually Welsh. 😒

I saw a comment on Instagram* yesterday that has had me sitting in my hands really trying not to that ‘well actually’ cunt, so I’m just going to say it here. MOTOWN IS A LABEL NOT A GENRE FFS *someone said ‘Motown, baby’ to a video containing an Aretha Franklin song

It’s 00:45 and there are a bunch of rogue seagulls shouting outside I’m half annoyed because I need to get up in 4.5 hours, but half thinking some seismic event is occurring that’s upset the massive squawkers

Barry Blitt’s first 100 days cover for the New Yorker.

Vesper being all demure and not at all a tiny terrorist.

Is it today* that he died for our sins or is that next time? *not literally today the 28th April 2025