No lie: someone bought this for me as a joke for Christmas 2019. In March of 2020, the funniest thing happened.

Cow vs turtle, who wins . 🤣

Just remember: Mugsy Bogues is 5’3” and was in the NBA. You can do impossible stuff.

A settlement with Iran? I didn’t even know we were suing them

Trump Signs The Protect Everyone From Everything Act “What’s it do?” “It converts every non-billionaire into a pink mist”

1. Republicans are so used to this culture where they’re lauded for half-assed schoolyard insults that they are now handing them out joylessly 2. This man’s response: no notes 3. “You” as in “the person reading the is”? The meaning wouldn’t change 😆😆😆

WIP of @becomeimpossible.bsky.social Really needed this session for my brain chemistry. Hey Siri, play “Biblically Accurate Angel” by @candicarpenter.bsky.social

I tried to date a redneck once, but I couldn't capture his Carheart.

“YOU’RE RUINING LIPS OF AN ANGEL!!”-a patron of a local pizza place, at me. I didn’t actually clock who was saying it to me, but I do hold it as a point of pride Thank you Good night

Doing vocal warmups with an accordion instead of my usual keyboard Because I have 1,000 girlfriends

Thanks, YouTube

My new iPhone: Hey, set up Face ID Me: Nah, I’m good iPhone: DO IT NOW! Me: Okay now I definitely don’t want to iPhone: DOST THOU SPIT IN THE FACE OF MINOR CONVENIENCE??!?

On July 19th, 2019, I said the funniest thing I will ever say

Share two of your favorite pics of yourself!

Credit: my partner

If Alex Murdaugh has taught me anything it’s that you can get away with literal murdaughr if you’re: 1. Translucent 2. Willing to mispronounce your own first name 3. Surrounded by men who call each other “bo” for some fucking reason #netflix #truecrime

That’s what I keep screaming at people in crosswalks!

Me: "Is it screenshotted or screenshat?" My dentist: "You can just say you haven't been flossing."

Happy Caturday . 😍

OH NO THEY DIDN’T!!!!! #freebornmiserable

If we’re keeping score, I still don’t fully know what a starter pack is.

I’ve heard the words “clavicular” and “looksmaxing” and “brick” in the same sentence a lot, lately. I know what 33.333% of those words mean.

Gorilla Playing Saxophone with Balloons has dropped out of the White House concert

I ain’t reading all that. I’m happy for you though, or sorry that happened

Ageist thought: the generation that shat on us for using calculators now mindlessly believes AI search results

$3,300 to get the data off my dead phone This service is clearly for parents and/or Epstein clients. My photos are all of my cats doing prom poses. I can make more.

Proof that I know @vls44.bsky.social irl. Also that I’m quite possibly 6’4” You can’t prove anything

Some people are just "facebook funny" and you know exactly what I mean by that

I miss the time before presidents had birthdays.

We're all allowed one bigotry. Mine: All British people are transphobes. I can say that. I'm French.

Oh how I laughed

What if every child actor in the new HBO Harry Potter transitioned between seasons? Tell me what god I need to pray to for that to happen.

I’m broke and never fly, so real question: if rich people board first, why aren’t the rest of us launching a coordinated cropdusting campaign so vicious it makes first class rethink capitalism? Flatulence-based wealth redistribution. LFG, IBS. We've trained for this day.

My laptop at 1% battery: I can't shut down because you have a bunch of shit open I shed a single tear and tell it to think of the rabbits.

Can’t I’m training my algorithm to only show pizza skeets

Sunrise in Patagonia, Chile Torres del Paine, Chile 🇨🇱

These armour studies have been great for getting me out of a creative funk! All done on Procreate @procreate on the iPad Pro

My phone is bricked, and this is the only port of social contact I haven't been two-factored out of. In conclusion: Please, someone talk to me.

1. Trump’s in the files 2. This video youtu.be/vPRfP_TEQ-g?... 3. We’re done, right? We got him?

Not me printing Epstein stickers to put on every “Constantino for Congress” lawn sign.

Cured ham? Nah. Whatever disease ham wants to give me is a condition I’m happy to contract.