Well at least we won't have to spend years guessing who the Epstein Files' Deep Throat is.

When you go through my search history after I die, you will probably be disappointed to find that it is almost all just me trying to figure out how to spell stuff.

You know you are old when you are trying to enter your birth date online and you have to spin that year wheel like you are trying to hit $1.00 on The Price is Right Showcase Showdown.

I just heard that a man got arrested for masturbating in a dark hallway and apparently almost no one saw it coming.

Just wanted to let whoever stole my new glasses know that I WILL find you, cause I got contacts.

I don't know...things have been going too well for me recently. I think I could use a good relapse.

My Aunt Dot when I ask her if she ever partied when she was young:

I bet y'all ain't remembering when Hawaiian Punch came in 46 oz cans that you had to open with one of these.

My sister asked me to stop by the drug store and pick her up some hairspray and I was like "we don't even live in Baltimore."

The guy who invented autocorrect has died. May he restaurant in peas. The funnel will be tomato.

I'm just saying ok fine he is risen but he better keep it down in the kitchen with all that food transforming until I get a chance to sleep in for a few hours.

I feel so prepared: Easter is Sunday and all the potatoes are already dyed.

When I look at myself in the mirror, my first reaction is usually that I don't even remember coming to the carnival.

I'm not saying I'd be happy if I never had to talk to anyone again; I'm just saying I'd be 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢 happy...

JD Vance picking up the college football national championship trophy:

If rainy days and Mondays always get you down, you could have some awfully bad weeks.

Since it is Sunday, all of my fucks and shits shall be holy.

Some days I just want to get out of bed right into another bed.

Little known fact: if you walk backwards into a fart you will be propelled forward rapidly. It's pretty hard to get it right but well worth the effort.

waiting for a turkey to cross the road is actually a useful exercise in mindfulness. i cannot control the turkey. i do not know from whence it came or where it is going. i do not know how long it will be in the middle of the road. the turkey will go in minutes or maybe weeks. i live here now

Prospector: There's gold in those hills! Me: Oh boy!! (I go to the hills) Me: Where's the gold? Prospector: Meow

Man, Clippy is NOT taking this whole AI thing well...

Has anyone gotten so bad with browser tabs that they regularly close like 60 of them without even checking what they are?

Tragic.

Part of the rent that we should pay for existing is being of service to others.

I lived this so many times, looking at you Word.

Little Known Fact: Manly Tariff was also a swimmer in the early 1920's who first swam the entire length of the Mississippi River.

This is Ripley. He was nervous about taking the stairs. May have panicked a bit. 12/10

Errata Overran Proven is an anagram for Peter Navarro Ron Vera and with the state of the stock market it sorta checks out.

Karma-flavored ice cream is sooo delicious.

Live look at ABC/ESPN's montage of Geno Auriemma: UCONN #NCAAWBB South Carolina

Hats off to the very strong #HandsOff signage yesterday! Thanks for making your voices heard. 🙏

Ma’am you win the entire internet. 👏🏾🙌🏾🫶🏾

Me: I would never base my emotional state on whether a sports team wins or loses... <Duke chokes and loses> Me:

#HandsOff Batavia, NY

#HandsOff in the little city of #Batavia, NY today! (Sorry about the wobble, it was windy and I almost lost my sign 🤪)

Small town of Batavia, NY. Red county.

It’s Friday! Woohoo!! ❤️❤️ What song is stuck in your head right now? #EarWorm #TGIF #NotAMomentTooSoon

Happy Friday, BlueSky 💛

The whole "if sex and gender are different then why do you need to change your sex characteristics to affirm your gender" thing is like the "if humans came from monkeys then why are there still monkeys" of anti-trans politics

They told me if I voted for Kamala the market would crash, and then we’d probably have a recession. They were right.

FYI I will no longer be able to check my 2025 Bingo card as due to Trump's most recent tariffs the buy-in has skyrocketed out of my price range.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both. And be one traveler, long I stood. And looked down one as far as I could, Wondering exactly where in the hell my GPS thought I was.

I predict that Tariff will become a huge baby name in red states icl. Taryff

#SusanCrawford #Wisconsin

If Cory Booker runs thin on speaking material, he should read Dr. Seuss's The Sneetches. It's a pretty good analogy for what's going on in our country right now. Now, the Star-Belly Sneetches Had bellies with stars. The Plain-Belly Sneetches Had none upon thars.

Cory Booker @booker.senate.gov might be getting a little tired after speaking for so long but he is voicing what so many of us are feeling: we are TIRED of all the chaos this administration is causing. Go Cory!