I cannot watch your cooking video if you have bad knife skills I’m sorry

clocked by the algorithm

I have been pathologically lazy this week

making turkey stock from the leftover friendsgiving turkey carcass 😌

what if I stayed here all day

northern lights 🩷💜💙🩵💚

they don’t talk about how hard winter is for bitches who prefer to be naked

not to be a boomer but news anchor bloopers are always gonna crack me up

accidentally made so much pozole who’s comin over

it has just come to my attention that it is 7:30 and not 10pm as I previously believed

look @ my new anesthesia purse

ubering in a G wagon to go to taco bell AMA

straight people using close friends to post photos of their children

ACAB includes people who drive cars that cops also drive

making sure to hit all the major food groups before bed (pretzels, peanuts, chips, piece of cheese, cookies)

just made a caesar salad so good that lobo was forced to shut down

realizing I didn’t eat nearly enough bratwursts this summer………

let’s get this mf kidney out!!

put string cheese in your ramen, trust

OR orientation day 2 :)

what should I be for halloween

I hate when men say that they’re “horned up” 🤢

I don’t understand scruff moments like who are these people

🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 Dolly outlives him 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯

if you can’t have tylenol while pregnant, how will they handle their hangovers???

i’ve got an itch only a filet o fish can scratch

gender reveal but instead of pink or blue it’s xcx or puth

pls send good vibes for my gas exams 🕯️💨💨

[trying fresh fruit for the first time]: woah this stuff tastes like vape 😲

to get out of bed is one of the hardest things there could be

targeted ads

but what we really need is an acetaminophenomenon

I don’t trust a bitch that does all their grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s

Me @ the sports bar: what if all these tv’s were playing different music videos

virgin deluxe edition just dropped 😍

I would never heat up fish in the break room at work but do you guys think cold tuna salad is acceptable? 🍽️🍜

nextdoor neighbor is smoking a pork shoulder and it smells fucking incredible I’m about to crash this 1 year old’s birthday party

unfortunately all my friends at school are the girls who leave an exam like “omgggg I failed that” and then get a 98%

what’s a lighthearted fun movie I can watch rn

I don't want to make dinner, I don't want to order dinner, well why don't I just lay down and die then

my one gray mustache hair pisses me off bc it loves to stick straight out of my face

YASSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! HAILEE HIVE RISE

what do I have to do to get di*per and ga*ner content off my discover page I can only click “see less like this” so many times what did I do to make this happen

old tweets of mine resurfacing… drafting my notes app apology as we speak

just saw a family out walking with no less than 5 golden doodles we NEED a slur for them

not sure why I felt compelled to get black out drunk at my mom’s birthday dinner last night but here we are

fighting for my life via the snooze button this morning

Happy 44th birthday to the legendary Beyoncé.

Love Andersonville, Chicago

made bean and cheese burritos while watching big brother :)