That's right, sweetie bop. This is chitlin loaf

I like to think Tommy DID get whacked, and we’re just seeing one of his torments in hell. He went from top for the world, to low level burgler, who repeatedly gets foiled by a child. And he can’t even swear.

New holiday headcanon

8 years ago, I did a whole series of "Sad Grown-Up Kevin McCallister" tweets and no one else liked them but I still think they rank among the best things I've ever written.

Starting an underground fight club where we just argue about seltzer

Home Alone came out almost exactly 2 months after Goodfellas so I prefer to think Tommy never really got whacked. The hit was a front. He was just renamed Harry and sent into witness protection to work as a plumber in Winnetka IL. But he just couldn't fight that itch

Gonna have my assistant set up some fist fights with aging Hollywood tough guys

Uber driver just ripped ASS. Smell like boiled butt in this Honda Accord Hybrid

Let me log off this app. Cause I read something else when I saw the title of that book.

When we saw Rocky with this robot we knew he was about to go broke

Best theory ever!

This...this might could work??? Your mind. 🤯😳

The slow sipping is back

BARRY HOROWITZ!!!

Post something random or you’ll have an awful December

This belongs in a museum

THIS. IS. GENIUS.

Home Alone came out almost exactly 2 months after Goodfellas so I prefer to think Tommy never really got whacked. The hit was a front. He was just renamed Harry and sent into witness protection to work as a plumber in Winnetka IL. But he just couldn't fight that itch

Post something random or you'll have an awful December

I know that Cheryl Hines is married to RFK Jr but my brain has never really been able to accept it as reality it feels like learning that Ronald McDonald is married to Daisy Duck it’s like what do you mean

Oh you ain't playing around

Guys, twist ending, I've MET Mr. Fantasy and didn't even know

I wonder if struggle plates will make their way over to Bluesky

If this is Second Chance/Boys Will Be Boys it's one of most hilarious premises and rebrands ever

Smokey looking like he's here to collect that money you owe him

Me when the collard greens are done later #MacysParade

Al Roker: AND LATER SANTA CLAUS WILL BE HERE! Santa sitting inside Macy's the whole time: #MacysParade

Every Thanksgiving Al Roker shows up to the #MacysParade dressed like Bilbo Baggins

Happy Thanksgiving, nerds!

Santa Claus showing up for the main event at #Wrestlemania

Every Thanksgiving Al Roker shows up to the #MacysParade dressed like Bilbo Baggins

We needed a General Foods French Vanilla Cafe commercial from 1991 #MacysParade

Al Roker: AND LATER SANTA CLAUS WILL BE HERE! Santa sitting inside Macy's the whole time: #MacysParade

HOW. DARE. YOU? I wanna put a glove on just so I can take it off, slap you with it and challenge you to a damb duel. PISTOLS AT DAWN! Ain’t nothing wrong with Ocean Spray cranberry sauce straight out of the can cut with a butterknife.

What the fuck is Mr. Fantasy and I don't know why he's humping the float #MacysParade

We're about 3 years away from them having DJ Khaled on a float screaming "THEY DON'T WANT US TO HAVE TURKEY!!!" #MacysParade

And we never believe him!

The #MacysParade is 10% floats and 90% the hosts going "I'm serious Santa WILL be here! I'm not bullshittin'!!"

Me when the collard greens are done later #MacysParade

Lemme finish making this time machine so I can go back to 1996 to tell young me that Busta Rhymes and Spliff Star are gonna be on a Macy's Thanksgiving Day float so I can call myself a witch #MacysParade

If they don't hurry up and float out Sixpence None The Richer!

Snoopy told the rest of The Peanuts' Gang "Y'all gon' ahead. I got my own ride" #MacysParade

Da GAWD Lucy Van Pelt front and center as she should always be. And those two bald idiots #MacysParade

Smokey Bear's float been staring down on people who refuse to listen for 90 years #MacysParade

Jewel is here? Joan Osborne's float can't be too far behind #MacysParade

My man can't believe how early he had to get up for this #MacysParade

Kool And The Gang on a Bronx Zoo float? I don't know how I feel about that #MacysParade

Nothing says "HAPPY THANKSGIVING!" like Shaggy on a Macy's float singing about fucking good #MacysParade

Loki on the same float as Mickey Mouse? I need a drink #MacysParade

Sesame Street will never go out of style in my house #MacysParade