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walking home in this heat with no drink... you know a roadside blackberry bush HATES to see me coming

chihuahua technology is out of control, someone just walked into this cafe with the smallest adult dog i've EVER seen & its bulging skull looks like it's about to burst through the skin of its forehead.

whenever I take all my clothes off I try not to look down so I don't find out if I'm naked or not

I'm wearing pants I never wear right now this shit smell like straight closet

In English mythology the world tree is a bean

camouflage

now we're cooking with gas i finally understand what that idiom means. this is so much better than electric it doesn't even feel like the same activity.

he's always getting himself into situations.

no diet coke november, day 2: GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET

smeared citrus pulp all over me, it felt ok.

Pointing a bugle at the quiet posters feed and taking a big breath

wished for my parents to never get sucked into twitter, the monkey's paw curled & my dad discovered substack.

i take it as a personal affront when digital albums split out easter-egg bonus tracks into their own named track. oh you think i might miss it? you want to strip mystery and serendipity from my life? you want to feed me content through a lubricated tube? fuck you, i'm pirating.

he's experiencing the sublime.

nhs is so bad for giving you a bunch of critical information verbally and expecting you to just remember it.

None of my actions evince any relation to my goals because I take Hume's argument against causation seriously. Or maybe it's just a coincidence.

i'm smoking nuts & berries.

How to appear lucky How do lucky people dress If I wear a hat will people think I’m lucky

experiencing muscle atrophy first-hand is kind of fun in a mild-body-horror sort of way. after just 3 weeks without bearing weight my right leg is already visibly smaller than my left. it's like a little taste of the astronaut life, if astronauts went to space one limb at a time.

i thought this was a joke before i underwent surgery myself but they actually do draw a giant arrow on your leg with a whiteboard marker before you go in just to make sure they don't open up the wrong leg. really fills you with confidence that you've got the A-players on your case.

what if i wake up & they're like "sorry bossman, something came up & we had to chop it off."

when they put screws in my bones will that be enough to qualify me as a cyborg? i'm kind of excited to have screws in my bones.

probably the most embarrassing part about crunching up my bones was that in the car on the way to hospital i tried to keep my head straight by reciting the litany against fear from dune. actually, the most embarrassing part was that it totally worked.

you know you've passed twink death when all your coworkers start looking at you expectantly when it's time to start lifting heavy objects.

every year an increasing proportion of a support worker's time is spent helping people to access services they used to be able to deal with themselves before the systems went online/digital-only.

My favourite part of a long weekend is unzipping my work skin and turning into a pile of goop on the floor

nightmarish scenes at first aid training.

if your blog's archive system forces me to open a little drop down menu for each year and month individually to find the post i'm looking for you are an enemy of learning and wisdom.

accidentally called my polearm a "Halbert" last week and the Lord's guards are still saying stuff like "here come that mf Halbert"

the antiquated homie. the homie whose hands were made to hold a bowl of pottage and a big wooden spoon

If you put Stereolab on at the grocery store bro you know I'm going to wander the aisles in a daze

it's fun to work in social care when the discourse of the day is "a mentally ill person would never Do That!" because you know a mentally ill person who absolutely would would Do That / has already Done That.

Pretending to be asleep in my cubicle so my boss will carry me out to my car

One of those gnarled Dartmoor trees that’s so deeply embedded in the landscape that it’s hard to see the transition from granite to wood.

joe biden's staff, i tell you, there is a way:

i'm smoking roots & tubers.

one of the biggest complaints about twitter alternatives is that they're "dead" - what this always means in practice is that there aren't enough posts on them that you can endlessly refresh your homepage on bluesky/mastodon/whatever and be served 100,000 new posts every time.

just laid off from xbox... i was the guy who individually punched all the little holes into the console.... they are shipping solid rectangles going forward. be warned!!

I give no credence to the Oscars' choices. They change their minds about who the best actress is every year.