The baby drank all the bathwater and now I can't throw either of them out. I can't even lift him out of the bathtub. He has utterly defeated me, I detest my giant waterlogged baby

Being a police detective isn’t so hard. I just told my new partner Amelia Bedelia to grill the suspect while I went out for doughnuts. Just about to get back and wrap this up…

Horrible feeling to be, like, adjacent to a horrible family situation. Like I'm close enough to hear every little detail, but far enough that I legally cannot step in.

Goddamn it they’re making bratty bottoms illegal

grogu has been caught and compromised to a permanent end

Showing scary upsetting movies to friends is so scary. What if they hate being upset

Apparently my D&D character is "medicine ball coded"

Waffle, bacon, biscuits and gravy, grits, coffee (however I will be taking half of this home because ough)

Rough night, folks. Just not having the best time.

Coming soon to a galaxy near you: Lala Otuna; smuggler, guns for hire, in over her head #starwars #twilek #art

Hey, listen, if you're not already reading Magen's work, do yourself a favor. One of my favorite people to see new writing from, both in fiction and essay/newsletter writing.

Medical anxiety is so fucking rough. I want more than anything to not have to go to the dermatologist but I just had a little panic-cry because of an ugly-looking spot on my leg that won't heal so I guess I'm not getting out of that.

I always approach these things with so much skepticism and I know it's always broad enough to apply to whoever, etc. However. It does always soothe something in me to run across a "if you're seeing this, this tarot reading is for you" video and feel a little seen, you know?

She's sooooooo mad I won't Doordash her some ice cream

GOING LIVE NOW with more FINAL FANTASY 8! We're starting disc 2 on this beautiful Squall Squnday! twitch.tv/takesiege

And all the goombas say Im pretty fly (for a shy guy)

Mulling over some thoughts on like. The intentional practices of giving an HRT injection.

God, what a loss. Literally picked up RING for my birthday--I guess it's time to finally read it.

I love seeing the fervor over the uncut restoration of THE DEVILS and can only hope it will encourage folks to dig deeper into Ken Russell's oeuvre. A cinematic phantasmagoria, his work encompasses a sort of outrageously unhinged cosmic queerness that marries the high and low brow. A true auteur.

Baragon

She's stealing my birthday treat >:(

Devastating combo: I'm 5 minutes out from the 2-hr pinning ceremony for some of my students, I'm already sleepy, I know one of my apprentices is gonna give a speech that will make me cry, AND. And. I'm hungry

It is my birthday today :) Consider: being nice to me :)

To the Joker it's Jonathan Normal and Mr. Norrell

The number of people who come through here and say the house atmosphere is warm and inviting when we've got threatening music playing at all times baffles me. Must be the purple walls

Well, I bought my wife a sea turtle hairclip because she loves sea turtles, but her hair is too thick. I suppose now I have a clip to wear to the aquarium for my birthdaaaaay

*Youth pastor voice* Do you guys know who the original snuff bait was?

Oh I think you are confused, the whale is Moby Dick's monster

I may not have beaten the anemia allegations though??? Stay tuned?

Once again, Figgy has beaten the pre-diabetes allegations 💪

The fact that this phrase is SO CONSISTENTLY weaponized against queer artists to accuse us of homophobia for telling our own stories should be a heads up that it's really not useful to The Cause anymore, if indeed it ever was.

The other funny one was obesity, so I've been officially diagnosed fat transsexual, which is how you know I'm hot as hell

Almost cackled in the waiting room at the doctor. I was perusing the app, got down to my diagnoses, and saw "PROBLEM: TRANSSEXUAL"

Very funny to find out someone has been blocking and unblocking me multiple times this morning instead of just saying something. Consider therapy.

I caught a spy my liege

im at the bird social rn and this pair of reed warblers are really proudly showing me photos of their huge son. Don't have the heart to tell them its a cuckoo

Also I probably don't have to clarify this but just in case I do, I am not attempting some weight loss journey or whatever. I've just struggled for many years with assumptions from doctors and strangers about my weight, and knowing that it was hormonal all along is so vindicating

I'm not the first to note this but AI psychosis just seems to be "experience what it's like to have yes men" and shows what has happened to any billionaire who has any kind of public profile

So I got a little morose when I weighed myself and found I weighed more than I did previously, then confused because I have visibly lost weight around my waist. Then I flexed in front of the mirror and realized that there may have been some muscle gain that might be causing the disparity lmfao

Saw a dude I hate from high school earlier, and I really cannot stress enough how much the dude looks like a really pathetic cartoon devil now

My wife is out there making out with hot women 10 years older than her, while I'm looking at the dating apps, and one of these mfs is literally named Egor. What am I doing wrong...

... Huh. I think I'm developing new stretch marks from, ostensibly, losing weight. What an interesting circle

Something I didn't expect to learn while working in the community college system is how many people in this field are absolutely allergic to taking their own notes. I don't know about faculty, but staff? Oof.

chivalrous pervert (dyke) 🥵

im just letting the soft animal of my body do whatever bro

MINE

I don't know if y'all have heard, but T (and HRT in general) makes you hot, just a PSA

Inconvenience? I just had to dig seven pages deep to find the unsubscribe for one of the four TV subscriptions I need, I'm measured & optimized against in my supermarket, lamps, music, games, and travel. Every service I love gets enshittified to buy billionaires yachts worth 100 times my house.