I keep seeing people say things like: if I were in Pluribus I would xyz. And like, yeah, that’s why the show isn’t about you!!!! Carol isn’t doing what you think is logical or right cause it would be a bad and boring story!!!

Elizabeth Moss being a Scientologist is honestly so ridiculous. Ma’am watch your little show, learn something from it.

My parent’s beautiful and fearsome five pound 22 year old cat, Harriet, died-today. My moms, my daughter, and I all got to be with her and she got to die at home. She was perfect and I’ll miss her.

you're too powerful. you're like if a monk also had sex and material possessions

Leftovers are good for at least 10 days. Anyone who says otherwise has the constitution of a paper towel.

Suing my former university for all the zeros I got on the work I didn’t turn it. It’s illegal discrimination against a protected class (the lazy).

Had to explain omegaverse fics to my boyfriend so he would understand a joke I thought was funny. The joke was not worth all that.

Had to explain omegaverse fics to my boyfriend so he would understand a joke I thought was funny. The joke was not worth all that.

it's funny that monopoly is the game of capitalism, to show you how fucking bad capitalism is, and they do socialism in it just to make sure it's at least fun for one person

Thank you buttfart26 you’re a real one.

no, i’m nightmare mommy, obv

I would love to hear Mamdani’s unfiltered retelling of what happened at the White House.

When I was married I thought about what I would do when I was a widow a lot. Wistfully. It was probably a sign of something.

I told this story at work and it got sympathy instead of the lols it deserved. Comedy is dead 🙄

When I was married I thought about what I would do when I was a widow a lot. Wistfully. It was probably a sign of something.

I told this story at work and it got sympathy instead of the lols it deserved. Comedy is dead 🙄

Sharing the video of this because it’s such a ghoulish thing to say that I’m honestly in disbelief that I even heard her properly

So what’s the NFT market like these days?

Rewatching Lost: John Locke would 100% be QANON. If a computer says anything to him he believes it with his whole heart. John Locke marks not safe with the internet.

Bill Clinton’s taste in partners is just all over the place.

BlueSky: where hyperbole is taken as threat while racist & anti-trans hate speech get a pass

i;m sorry your wife cheated on you, that must have been really hot

Drawing up an informed consent with my lawyer before we smash. Getting my partner to sign my informed consent before we smash. Uploading my partner’s signed informed consent into my electronic health record before we smash.

If I were this dude I would cast even shorter bodyguards to stand around me so I looked like a giant. But some one us are better at optics than others.

Drawing up an informed consent with my lawyer before we smash. Getting my partner to sign my informed consent before we smash. Uploading my partner’s signed informed consent into my electronic health record before we smash.

Honestly, a big part of the reason my parents have stayed so normal is that none of them are on social media. But social media is fine for me tho.

This is from 2018. I’m so glad Schumer is still alive and learning and growing these many years later.

please be mindful that your boyfriends grandmother died when he was 7 so he's very sensitive to this kinda stuff (women existing)

They’re talking about sexual infidelity on tiktok and i think it’s hilarious that the world is just now catching up to the kinds of conversations @faultypussy.bsky.social , @revengeem.bsky.social , @shiningangelx.bsky.social and I all initiated 2 yr ago. sadly, none of them are Pro Women Cheating

I too am quite upset about Taylor Frankie Paul being the new bachelorette.

oh, so bsky followers don't have the legal authority to 5150 me? that's just not allowed? it's not that they don't want to, it's just that they can't. got it. I'm not mad at you guys anymore. reply 5150 to any of my posts if you feel it necessary

Really really really really really sad about the east wing of the White House. This is the worst thing Trump has ever done.

the demolition is basically a microcosm of this administration’s implementation of fascism: gaudy, poorly thought out, lacking popular support, and appalling to liberals because it locks them out of the process, not because of anything material.

With millions at risk of losing SNAP in the coming days, a reminder: hunger doesn't happen in isolation. When food assistance disappears, families use rent money to eat. Then come evictions and homelessness. Housing, food, healthcare—it's all connected. Cut one thread and the whole thing unravels.

Really really really really really sad about the east wing of the White House. This is the worst thing Trump has ever done.

I love participating in conversations about how useless men are and then going home to a boyfriend who does 100% of the cooking, more than half of the cleaning, all the planning, and makes more money than me.

Rewatching Buffy and I’m reminded that when I first watched it I loved that they cast Amber Benson because she was such good representation for fat girls. 2000 was madness:

anybody who's good at history want to tell me if it's good or not to starve your troops

So important to have a girl in your life who will explain sports only when you want her to @shovelmage.bsky.social

My kid just made the best scale for feelings day

Rewatching Buffy and I’m reminded that when I first watched it I loved that they cast Amber Benson because she was such good representation for fat girls. 2000 was madness:

Honestly, a big part of the reason my parents have stayed so normal is that none of them are on social media. But social media is fine for me tho.

Gordon Ramsay: wow food fucking sucks everybody: I fucking love this guy! Me: anyone else have a bite of chicken that's too chickeny so you can't eat chick fil a for 7 months? everybody:you're autistic, the texture of salad dressing can't hurt you

But please will someone please please tell me how to get capitalism to work for me. I just need so many items

If there aren’t pyrotechnics at my funeral don’t even bother having it.

it was called the civil war because everyone was being really polite

One time an ex boyfriend threaten to sue me for custody of my daughter (not her dad.) Me: Do I need to get a restraining order? Him: they don’t give restraining orders to stop people from seeing the ones they love. And I just think that’s beautiful.

Em, sometimes you’re really mean about Australians, how come? Well, you see, I only really knew one:

Also Australians. Just the worst noises come outta them.