Everyone In Conversation Under Different Impression As To Which Horrific News Being Discussed https://theonion.com/everyone-in-conversation-under-different-impression-as-to-which-horrific-news-being-discussed/

forza used to be one of abod's favorite games!! then the occupation bombed his house in 2023, with microsoft's assistance. he hasn't had the power to turn on his PC since. instead of buying from the genocide company, please consider making a donation to abod's family 💖 chuffed.org/project/help...

Back from a successful mouth shrinking surgery

(Trying to get my picky eater kid to eat) now explain why these vegetables are yucky without resorting to moralism or idealism

heard a guy say "you have to access it through the portal" and i was momentarily struck by how sad it is that what he said is so boring :( "accessing it via the portal" should be wonderful. we deserve that at least. it should be cool to access it via the portal and instead it sucks shit

You should know I'm not fascinated by the keys you're jingling in front of me because I'm a baby. It's intellectual for me. I'm contemplating the nature of the keys

The complex feeling of having someone say "i like his skirt!" right behind me

Man Directs Full Force Of Anecdote Toward Single Person After Rest Of Group Moves On To Different Topic https://theonion.com/man-directs-full-force-of-anecdote-toward-single-person-1826391190/

my top three favorite boroughs of new york: 1. new york 2. philadelphia 3. brooklyn 4. the one and only new york city! 5. boston 4. bodegas

I love that Jeff Foxworthy will never come right out and say for sure whether someone's a redneck. It's always "you might be a redneck". He leaves it open to interpretation

Combo Breaker comin'...

Every actor in Hollywood is making their own Jay Kelly. Outcome (2026) is Jay Jelly for Jonah Hill. F1 is Jay Kelly for Brad Pitt. Even Charlie Day's passion project movie that I forget the name of was his own personal Jay Kelly

Sometimes I get sad that our trains are not as good as New York's. But then I remember that our buses are way better and feel better

Trump Ratchets Up Rhetoric Against Snoopy https://theonion.com/trump-ratchets-up-rhetoric-against-snoopy/

Nerd and Jock workout

Voice training by doing Madeline Kahn's lines from What's Up Doc? (1972)

Millennial humor is doing a review of something bad like a failed pop-tart and saying it “tastes like if Capn Crunch voted Republican”. Zoomer humor is sending someone online a photo of the inside of their house.

Train was 5 hours late and they closed the cafe car early and the chicago section of the train car is booked solid so im gonna fuck up my back and legs tryjng to sleep upright. I'm gonna crash out

Woman sitting next to me said I gave off chicago energy I think I finally made it

Is it bad that when an amtrak train is over 4 hours delayed my first reaction is "oh so they killed someone huh"

Sorry for the delay, I know everyone was waiting for my review on the new They Might Be Giants record, but I can safely say it is good. In fact it is really really amazing, maybe the best tmbg record in a while

Just looked at my bank account and I spent $60 on transit in 9 days. I'm so mad cta would never do me like this

👍

Crushing a pavement song at karaoke to the point someone asked if I did any music. Damn what a nice end to my crazy new york trip

I think I finally experienced an After Hours night in new york

I'm having a new york moment

Shoutout to one of the guys manning the Ellis island boats back to the city who said, "nothing can stop me I'm allllll the way uuuup" in the same tone you'd use for "alllll aboarrrrd"

The Blue Jays get their players from the 1970’s.

i love the nba but it's not a sport. any physical competition held indoors is not a sport, it's "horsing around," a category that also includes hockey and many baseball and football games. nascar's place in this discussion is unknowable as no one is certain of whether being in a car counts as inside

I think the omny "if you swipe 12 times your next one is free!" Thing is a grift I do not think I've hit 12 swipes in my week here and I've been vacationing for most of it.

ORGY PROMOTER: "May the 4th Be Inside You" was cancelled due to, ironically, a flooded basement, so some of our members have taken to wearing their costumes to other holiday events. It's harmless YODA, NOSE DEEP IN SOME STRANGE: Giving Thanks for this pussy i am

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares https://theonion.com/report-nobody-fucking-cares-1819578909/

Going back to chicago and treating my week in new york like I was studying abroad and picked up a light brooklyn accent

Just got done with a wonderful day out in da city and barely looking at my phone. Okay computer load up endless posts that make me insane and mad

I bet NY would feel fucking amazing if you were manic all the time

Times Square is just a normal square to me. It's not even on my radar.

Don't give a SHIT about the empire state building. Where's the Chrysler building

Saw a $12 DVD in the $3 movie bin but clearly in the wrong section, and I chose peace and didn't check out and act confused to see if they'd still honor it

Oh my God I could go see the Mets play the rockies... just a travesty of a game I feel. Would be pretty sick tho

Its so funny that the second time I'm seeing a tekilfe show gonna be in New York. The new Yorkers are gonna see my cubbies hat and that I live in chicago and think I'm a real one and the real ones with white sox hats are gonna beat me with hammers (as is their right)

Packed for fool's spring instead of 3rd winter so now I gotta channel my chicago self heat so I can wear skirts and no tights in sub 50 degree weather

The "this is an accessible station" line in the mta feels new, I feel like I would have noticed it sounds like "this is an acceptable station"

Working on the train, sent a video to my bosses indirectly via an asana task, saw "viewed one minute ago" notification and got so fucking scared

First time I ever got to witness an acela train absolute speedmog my regular coach train

Traveling makes you say nonsense sentences that sound like you threw a dart at a board of words like "the best Carne Asada fries I've ever had were in Richmond Virginia"

I think everything is gonna be okay <3

i love you, too

DC is our national capital. It brings everyone from every background, race, creed, etc. But S specifically the type of person from each background that would most likely listen to NPR.

Got on my amtrak train 1 min before it left + maybe lost my film camera + left my neck pillow at home + phone almost dead I'm gonna kms I feel fucking crazy right now

Guy in the car in front of me honking his horn and gesturing out the window at a car that cut him off. glanced at the license plate "BIGMAD" OH I'm sure