There are a lot of awful people but the ones who abbreviate months March through July are a special breed

Got a text saying I owed money for tolls and it was not a scam, I actually owed $1.90 for tolls in Illinois

I love seeing a Cybertruck when I’m out and about because it makes me think about all the things that are disastrously wrong with our economy and political system

Has Trump’s soon-to-be-infamous “Earth Day rant” happened yet

Evergreen

Pete Hegseth is the stupidest piece of shit other than his boss, the ultimate stupid piece of shit We’d be better off appointing a Secretary of Defense by random nationwide lottery

That was the fussiest, least enjoyable Sunday NYTXW in quite some time

Don’t you hate it when your team shows up for the baseball season and you forgot to bring a bullpen #MNTwins

When you’re turning a bedsheet around trying to find the top, there’s a 25% chance that you won’t find it until the fourth try. So why does it happen EVERY TIME

Fargo is my favorite movie but one thing bugs me about it. Why would anybody think it’s a good business deal to buy 40 acres in Wayzata for $750,000 (in 1996 dollars) and use it for a parking lot

Conservatives: Evil liberals are pushing “moral relativism”! Morality is not negotiable, you can’t just cherry pick the parts you like! Also conservatives: I am Catholic but I will never obey this woke Pope

Exactly one year ago today:

The Yoda quote should say “Do or do not. No try there is”

I know people change in stereotypical ways as they age, but nothing could have prepared me for how much I like peas now

Your name is Richard Tips. Rich, Richie, Ricky and simply Richard are all options for you. You could also choose to call yourself Dick Tips, but of course nobody would ever do that

It’s fun to remember how much utter crap companies throw against the wall year after year in the hope that something will stick

I listened to the first couple tracks on the Geese album and found no reason to keep going. This is the beginning and end of my contribution to the Geese discourse

Great read, highly recommend.

As an X’er I find this inexplicable. What a dipshit generation

Fighting with the pope, thinking of himself as god, humiliated in a naval war of choice he assumed he would win easily over an "inferior" people, surrounded by kook healers and medical advisors, obsessed with familial legacy in the shadow of an actually successful father, this man is Nicholas II

Dang I’m tired this morning. I wish there was some kind of hot brown liquid I could drink to help wake me up

I’m getting closer and closer to having to learn who Hasan Piker is

Watched Empire Strikes Back for the first time in many years. It was even better than I remembered, but honestly, Billy Dee Williams’ delivery was so bad it was distracting. Every single line he speaks. These were the *best* takes??

Can anyone recommend a good beard consultant

"The Scottish island of Summerisle, home of the best fruit in Britain. The first thing you notice? No churches. The farmers here practice a fascinating form of pre-Christian worship…and I just learned I'll be playing the lead role in their annual May Day festival. First stop: my costume fitting."

Let’s hope “being an insufferable moron” is good negotiating strategy

Robbie from The Pitt

The first assassin who comes after Jason Bourne really blows it with that clumsy crash through the window

Been watching that show Heated Ribaldry

Bitch you are literally married to the king of false smears from mean-spirited and politically motivated individuals

Is your presidency tanking in the polls because you raised prices on everything through tariffs, rashly started a war with no way out, and made a huge show of kidnapping and murdering people in the streets? Here’s the trick to restoring your popularity: Get people worried about a military draft

MLB’s great minds have decided that the most pressing issue in baseball is that uniforms are not ugly enough

If I were Conan O’Brien, sometimes I would stop what I was doing and think “damn, I wrote Marge Vs. the Monorail”

“How DARE you question the integrity of the most corrupt president in history”

Jesus H. Christ these people are suckers

I will not do the attack I clearly never intended to do as long as Iran reopens the strait that I have repeatedly said is not a big deal, except for the times I have screamed about it being closed and ripped our allies for not helping reopen it

The man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client and a really big dumbshit for an attorney

My very smart computer told me I spelled “enroll” wrong and suggested “enrol,” “unroll” and “enrols” as alternatives

Every day you probably encounter dozens of people who thought giving this lunatic the keys to the U.S. military was a good idea How can we be expected to live alongside these people

It was bad enough when the president was just a brainless egomaniac con artist/sex criminal, but now he’s also off-the-deep-end psychotic. Things can and will get way worse before this is over

A lot of things have gotten worse in my lifetime, but I have to admit, jellybeans are not one of them. All those childhood Easters with just Brach’s … no Starburst, no Nerds, no Jolly Rancher, no Sour Patch. Bleak

My favorite Twins hitter is James Outman and my favorite Twins pitcher is Bob Giveuphomerunman

Breaking news: Idiot fired

Bam Pondi

You know I’m starting to suspect that this guy may not be too bright

Have you ever looked at the replies on a big normie account? Dear god we are in rough shape as a species

Holy crap how did I not know Mclusky is playing at the Fine Line tomorrow

THE YEAR 2048 Grandpa, why did people in the before times choose a leader who was so incompetent that he caused a global economic collapse and decades of international conflict Well, you see, eggs were kind of expensive and a handful of people born male wanted to play girls soccer

It’s a four way tie