Kim Jong Un went to the New Year concert last night, and as you can see, he was overjoyed to be there. “It’s just boom boom boom and you can’t even hear the words” “Get with it daddy, you big square! Can’t you see it’s…”

sonic and i are not Betrothed. you can use that filthy blue rat as you please

Nothing but contempt for clothes that can’t be tumble dried. What do you mean you can’t be thrown in the nice warm cupboard and be tossed about a bit? Grow the fuck up.

Had a lovely dream which was just a really enthusiastic man telling me at length about how he went about creating his homemade ginseng wine. No plot. Just a happy man and his root wine (he put jujubes in there too)

THREAD. My parents' cat Bridget vanished. As the weeks dragged on they became ever more worried, so to distract himself my dad began to paint Bridget's adventures, imagining her travelling through time and popping up at some of art & music's most important moments. I've collected his work here...

IMPORTANT NEWS: we shall have both Santa AND the tooth fairy visiting tonight and my kid will be subject to everyone singing The Song because she is entirely without her two front teeth

Duo, my beloved owl. Every single one of us just wants to know how to order dinner or get a train ticket. I will not be counselling in a second language

BEHOLD, MY HANDSOME FESTIVE MEN (they are being surprisingly tolerant of my bullshit)

Oh no I went to Tesco to get some salad and it’s so rammed that I’m genuinely considering grabbing a Brie to have in the car

For the first time in my life I have logged on to work in my jammies. Get the hype.

I would like to thank Spotify for the FOB cover of “It Feels Like Christmas” from Muppets Christmas Carol. Absolute millennial catnip, well done.

National news, UK.

T is a charmingly lo-fi kid and asked Santa for snakes and ladders for Christmas. This just arrived and I am helpless

A story in two photos

Oh god I am absentmindedly watching TV and the “Holidays are coming” ad came on and I am not usually the queen of spotting AI HOLY SHIT that is one endless stream of glitchy uncanny valley, what the FUCK?

I would like it noted formally on the record that my Spotify listening age is 28: younger than any of my gen Z colleagues, and has absolutely nothing to do with my seven year old ostensibly sharing my account

I firmly believe that the main ingredient in M&S peppermint bark cookies is heroin. It’s the only explanation.

This really is the The Day Today timeline, isn’t it? Just one day without something fucking absurd, please, I beg

So weird to find a politician you just *know* is a good’n, isn’t it?

I have wanted to get rid of Tallie’s old rocking horse for ages but unfortunately it is the cats’ favourite toy and they spend a good amount of time happily rocking on it, jangling the stirrups, so I guess I need to make peace with living with it for another 15+ years

My main Big Opinion is that subscription services should be legally obliged to tell you when they’re about to charge you. I have several set to annual (because it’s usually cheaper) but just having a £70-£120 chunk vanish unannounced is SIGNIFICANTLY more noticeable than a £6-£12 monthly amount

There is a barista near where I work who refuses to charge me when I order an americano because - to quote him - “it’s basically just a coffee cordial, isn’t it? I’m not having you pay for that”

don't really care how this makes me sound at this point, but the free open internet was a mistake and a lot of people out there were clearly never going to be able to handle it

Reposting with alt text

The robot falling over is obviously very funny because it always is, but it’s the hasty curtain pull that really ends me, like sparing the robot the indignity of us watching it get the robot shit kicked out of it

Just had a mince pie, lads, we’re ON

Might just watch these men be absolutely delighted all day, on repeat

The face of a kid who has just made me part with £10 to go on a two minute long ferris wheel ride in order to escape a heaving crowd. As you can see: having a blast.

Some days I like to really freak myself out by thinking about how my kid will have the same sort of relationship with the song “Mr Brightside” as I do with - for example - the music of ABBA. Released a decade(ish) before my birth but ubiquitous through my childhood. TIME.

If you’re a friend of mine who has spent more than 20 seconds with my kid you’re auntie/uncle, and the same was true when I was a kid. This is such a non-story lol

Hard to imagine a more cursed energy from a corner shop

Oh no the robots are having dreams now, this is the only explanation, the cut scene probably contains a horse you know to somehow be your mother

Have Disney ever seen a Star War? Isn’t the main thing about them that literally no-one is ever properly dead? Respectfully, even one of the fucking *actors* being dead didn’t stop them being in a movie

Sat next to a lady on the bus today who was asking chat GPT to draft flirty messages for her and directly copying the responses she received from said messages back into chat GPT for analysis of what the person meant and…at this point I think the robots have earned their takeover, have it all

Yep yep yep that’s exactly what happened and the result is somehow uncanny valley

Jane Goodall was actually the only one keeping the apes in control. Now there's a power vacuum

Post-strike rush hour tube is giving real zombie apocalypse vibes

“The bullets had MAGA etched into the side which we understand stands for ‘Male Assigned Gat bArth’ and therefore we are certain the shooter is expressing transgender and anti fascist ideology”

In early 2007 after a failed attempt to rekindle a relationship with my (then) estranged father, I retail-therapied myself a little pink DS and picked up a copy of Justice For All to go with it because it sounded fun and…genuinely became obsessed. Best games EVER.

Sorry but when you have a totally irrational tiny human clamped to your tit 20 hours a day, you can and should spend some of those hours looking at a phone or the telly or a book or whatever, not just making constant loving eye contact with your infant

Pret is just Greggs but for London siri send skeet

Sat next to a lady on the bus today who was asking chat GPT to draft flirty messages for her and directly copying the responses she received from said messages back into chat GPT for analysis of what the person meant and…at this point I think the robots have earned their takeover, have it all

Straight up: are they trying to make the gen Xers kill themselves? That feels very much the objective here? Unspeakably bleak, weird stuff

The Men have got riddles for me to solve before I get to claim the armchair

Out here building a strong professional personal brand

This clip of the Korean production of Chicago is several years old, but it features Choi Jae-rim, the actor playing Billy Flynn, doing **actual ventriloquism**: youtu.be/kCWBWXyUh2Q?...

I need you all to view his Wikipedia right now: this man has the same 24 hours per day that I do but he’s used them far more effectively

This is precisely what I’d do if I’d just given 16 and 17 year olds the vote, yes, makes perfect sense