Oh there’s no egg like poached for the hollandaise

Toaster waffles will tell you they are breakfast but they are truly of the night and for the night

Hey guess what my cat is perfect! Look at her fuzzy little face and tell me she’s not perfect I dare you

Sending my heart out to the veterinarian who took Fig’s urine sample and then returned to the room, saw Fig hissing at her with a vengeance, and said “oh yes we’ve met” in the warmest sweetest voice.

Good News For People Who Love Insane Amounts Of Snow

Bringing a real manic energy to my morning class The kind that makes the professor wish her attendance rate was worse

Probably a good way to tell right now if the job you’re applying for is run by absolute dumbfucks is to ask if they’re using AI.

I don’t wanna believe I have ocd but when I bring it up with people in my life there’s this sound they make. Like they’re seeing a video montage I can’t see

Look, pal, I delight in your essence. Mind if I frolic around you

Never not thinking about how when people say someone is “(insert attribute) incarnate” it’s just like saying “as meat” “she was poise as meat” “They were audacity as meat” “You’re beauty in the form of meat”

Alas, somebodye took the German holidaye fruit breade. It was stollen!

Beating the mom friend allegations by bringing fruit snacks to the function 😈 ha! That’ll show’em!

Upcoming gigs: - choir section leader position my friend turned down that might end up being less than minimum wage - funeral for a man who’s currently alive 🤗 super excited for this busy year ahead! Wish me luck!!

The bridal boutique I work at has made the baffling choice to consistently play what I like to call the “leave your fiance you’re gay” playlist featuring hits such as “good luck babe” “I kissed a girl” “pink pony club” and “I hope she cheats”

La creatura

Making intricate 18th century stays at midnight on a whim: I’m an artist! A visionary!! No one is doing it like me! Sewing a simple hem at my job where I am paid to sew professionally: what is a seam? I’m a baby deer in the forest taking my first wobbly steps. Oops the thread is tangled again

Was for the first time not carded while buying cheap wine at the grocery store, I guess the black business casual blouse and the matching handbags under my eyes really screamed “this person is allowed”

You may say the more expensive cat food is better, higher quality even, but I know the truth. My cat can taste money. She can smell and taste money and she likes the flavor. Baby princess Figgy’s favorite flavor is money

Gonna need you all to see the fantastic hairdo in this Manchester pigeon.

People think learning languages is cool and sophisticated but the more I study, the more my grammatical structures have rocketed into absurdity. I just described my sister as “having tallness”. I mutter to myself “do I the my keys have?”

She means business!! (she’s gonna catch a fly and then let it go and then catch it again and rinse and repeat till she accidentally eats it)

Can’t any technology please just be dumb. I literally daydream about an old pair of earbuds I had that had physical buttons on them instead of this touch control nonsense. Stop adding touch sensors and ai to every damn thing I just want appliances with buttons that do what the buttons say they do

Don’t wish on a star millions of miles away diva! Wish on a bat that lives in the abandoned barn right next door

Proud new owner of a joann fabrics shopping cart about to be the saddest crafter and biggest menace this town has ever seen

Love to be a person who enters sobbing in act two - whatever happens in the first 45 minutes of the opera is simply not my business

More foods should be alphabet shaped. Soup and chicken nuggets are only the beginning

How do I explain to this petulant creature that I’m going to the laundry room for five minutes instead of to work for five hours she doesn’t believe me

Wanted to smell like a tree but then I got over enthusiastic and now I smell like the forest is INVADING YOUR SENSES

my hot take is that cats should be kept indoors. they kill billions of birds every year and decimate native bird populations. not to mention outdoor cats have a far lower life expectancy than indoor ones. if your cat gets “bored” inside, just play with them. i daresay it should be common sense??

“May this year be the hot metal bucket in the sidewalk of your life”

“I’ve been better!” I chuckle, covered in mud, my giraffe costume in tatters

Screaming crying throwing up

Suddenly very exciting that my ADHD made me buy 17 jars of every seasoning because I kept misplacing them. When I find all the vanilla and cinnamon in this house I will be a real power player on the new underground spice road

It's time to start reminding people: LILIES ARE DEADLY FOR CATS. The leaves, the petals, the stem, even drinking a bit of vase water or licking a few grains of pollen from their fur can cause fatal kidney failure. ⚠️ www.fda.gov/animal-veter...

Favorite little hack I’ve learned about myself is that my first symptom of oncoming illness is crying about nothing like “ope I’m in tears about doing laundry that’s suspicious, let’s make sure the medicine cabinet’s stocked up”

Just a fucked up little lime cucumber gatorade enjoyer

La creatura is 4 years old today!! Happy birthday Fig 🥰

You HAVE to celebrate good things. Even if they’re tiny and fragile and may blow away. In fact, you have to celebrate the fragile ones EVEN HARDER because who knows how many chances you get? If you constantly think how it will all go wrong, if every triumph is met with “but…” you will burn out.

If you're looking to transition your cat to indoor-only due to H1N1, great! There are many other benefits, too. But it may not go well if you just shut them in and call it a day, you need to commit to giving them an enriched indoor environment with lots of play. felineengineering.com/blog/indoor-...

It is absolutely incredible to watch what Musk did to Twitter play out in the *EXACT SAME WAY* with the US government. Come in like you’re an expert when you don’t know a single fucking thing. Fire everyone, destroy the entire infrastructure, leave a burning pile of shit, pat yourself on the back.

Having a cat is so fucking scary cause they act so weird all the time but then the most visible symptom of every major cat illness is “cat acts weird”

Give a man a fish? Sure. Give a stranger a weird fish gift. Who cares

Despite the obvious choice, if I could punch one president living or dead it would still be andrew jackson. Fuck andrew jackson

La creatura upsidedown

I really don't have any respect for nihilists in this moment. If you truly believe nothing can be done to better our world--and thus: why bother--I need you to take that shit somewhere else. I got no patience for it. There are too many vulnerable people who need us to waste time comforting cynicism.

every single couple, gay straight married unmarried whatever has one partner who loads the dishwasher like theyre michelangelo finishing up the Sistine Chapel & another who chucks everything angrily and have a personal vendetta against plates, a dishwasher that takes sides is gonna end relationships

My family has had all feline pets until my sister brought home her mini Australian shepherd to visit- I’ve never seen the phrase “herding cats” displayed so literally

I’ve never donated to Wikipedia before but I set up a small monthly donation as a fuck you to the world’s richest psychopath.

Every time I see someone talk about the freedom of “self driving cars” I want to yell “YOU WANT A TRAIN”