I’m surprised he hasn’t made an executive order to carve his face into Mt. Rushmore.

I should have worn stretchy pants

“God bless this cocaine” - Baby Billy Freeman

As a child I was worried about the Bermuda Triangle more than I should have.

If you can’t handle me at my oh my god what have I done, you don’t deserve me at my what could possibly go wrong

My husband left for work today wearing cologne. All I can hope for is he’s going to a rich old lady’s house to improve our financial status.

How long do you sit on a Toto toilet before your bums dry? Asking for me.

On April 24, ICE agents broke into a home of a family of US citizens in Oklahoma. The family repeatedly said we are citizens, you have the wrong people. ICE terrorized the family, ripped apart the house. It's not "other people" that this is happening to. It's us. Open your eyes. Wake the hell up.

Atlanta different lmao Succeeding at warning me not to bring weapons but also making them look incredibly cool as a hologram of a GTA spinning gun

Happy hump day!….Don’t forget we have a doomsday clock.

Don't even worry about it. It's uh... Volcanic. www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-...

If you find me sexy just know my fingers smell like garlic right now…

Goes back further

What’s good for me is not good for thee. - Trump Administration

I have a doctors appointment on Monday, please pray for my pocket book.

Is pet insurance worth it?

Hear me out, cottage core apocalypse…

What my husband doesn’t understand about online clothes shopping is since I’m a woman I have to order a bunch of different things in different sizes and then return all but like two or three pieces. It’s not a shopping spree and I’m not spending all the money.

I’m buying everyone Chia Pets as birthday gifts this year

Happy Easter

I hope Mel Brooks makes it to 100.

Dr. Oz is a piece of SHIT.

Wouldn’t it be funny if Trump was the one who took their guns.

Sometimes I think about getting into crime scene clean up if it didn’t involve 24/7 on call service.

It’s always cool and never creepy to find a spider in your hair.

Lord help me I think I’m becoming a private scream sneezer.

The good news is it’s Friday and I have a sweet wonderful client who always tips me very well. The bad news is she decided to make fish today for Passover and I get to smell it for the next couple hours.

Old people are always so mad at squirrels

Yeah so don't go on a cruise ever again if you were thinking about it.

Omg Mondays going to be 77 degrees and I’m so excited

Supporters of the orange man are telling you you’re stupid for not having the money to invest in the stock market in one day and buy buy buy. But I know they for a fact they haven’t done any of this themselves.

This is Autumn. She was born without one paw. Gets along just fine with three, but still sometimes uses a prosthetic leg when she wants to blend in. 13/10

Peas be with you

Small talk now a days is just smiling like an asshole and saying “yeah times are crazy” am I right?!!!

Purgatory is where you’re stuck listening to your washer sing the same song to you over and over and over again.

You’re all gonna get arrested for future thought crimes.

it's wild that today ICE was just like, "we're the thought police" unironically

Fighting for a world with more howls 🐺

Forcing people to pay $130 for a passport in order to vote is just a Jim Crow poll tax by another name. It is blatantly unconstitutional.

I try to tell people this man is an extremist psychopath but believe it or not there are actually a lot of maga where I live and people don’t want to hear it.

While all you morons were putting cash into your 401ks, I spent my adulthood investing in magic beans. They all laughed at me, but look where we are now. In the post-apocalyptic Hellscape, the one who controls the beans is queen.

This administration making me feel like I need to get bangs.

An extreme recession and societal collapse is a great way to enter my 40s

Probably a good thing I’m too poor to have anything in the stock market…I think?

Good thing we have all those ape NFTs.

The 3 branches of the US government, live photo right now

Eating noodles in the nude, but like an art piece. Totally have clean clothes.