Ben Franklin seems like he would have been good at blasting cigs

There are Too Many Profiles and Too Many Settings

More stores need a dad's and husband's couch

Walking outside in the woods during a full moon is a radicalizing event (positive)

Me: we'll cross that bridge when we come to it [2 minutes later, at the bridge] Me: Oh shit oh fuck oh no

Toddlers love a spice rack

"This website is free" No. This website comes at a terrible cost

this is ART

Crab raccoon

Women are helpless to resist Cute Little Shops

happy october we made it

Biscuit For My Valentine

Hey Google Why Dont You Summarize Deez Nutz

when the sales associate tells me the price

Rednecks vs ICE

Getting to the age where people are younger than me and it's devastating

June and July are technically tax write offs

I do NOT want to be out of shape for the upcoming apocalypse

i am so sorry to say i did it again (Andor s2 spoilers)

The postman cometh

it’s wild how you hit your 30s and the birdwatching habit just sneaks up on you out of nowhere

A dream so stressful you get light PTSD from it

you're right here! and you're ready to Post

Every sentence is a new adventure

When you're scrolling and a post you want to read and another that will ruin your algorithm are on top of each other. So you scroll to hide the unfavored one so the computer doesn't think you like it, but you keep scrolling and now the computer thinks you looked at it twice because you like it.

Everywhere should sell taco salad, and it should cost $1.50 per pound

The Rich Stole Christmas

Bonk

I basically do the macrodata refinement job from severance

Replying to no-reply emails out of opposition defiance

Bosun nagant

If you don't have anything funny to say, don't say anything at all

Scariest seven words in the English language: There was a crazy complication with your vasectomy

Guacamole in someone else's shoes

Everybody in the club throw ya hands up! Now everybody with a tummy ache throw ya hands up!

Slept wrong and now my teeth don't fit

Sometimes I wonder how many of my ailments could be cured by hanging upside down like a bat

I've never been deader behind the eyes than when I put exclamation points at the end of an email

Just saw a cyber truck. Maximum 6 year old in the front seat, no booster. Both Dad and kid had wrap-around polarized shades. I stayed parked in the turn lane so we both missed the lane. His hands were flying everywhere lmao. So fucking funny

The AirBud Cinematic Universe goes places no modern production studio could even dream of going

My god lol spiderman 3 is absolutely the funniest and cringiest movie of all time.

Biting straight into the babybel, wax and all, because I do not deserve joy

Working out with a medicine ball realizing Sisyphus must be fuckin JACKED

Red wine and chocolate chip cookies are an unexpectedly delicious combination!

Playing a science trivia game with my kid and she's distraught that sharks don't have any bones. She keeps saying 'but teeth are bones!!'

Latin prefix for multiples of 10 is Dec-, so why is December the 12th month?

Haven't had a drink of anything but water in three weeks. I'm more annoyed than anything else that I'm feeling better than I have in years.

You can always be the most stylish man in the room if you simply never leave it

The annual infrastructural damage caused by the effects of the Bloomin Onion™ is incalculable.

You know who believes in climate change...house insurance companies