"The cocktail menu looks pretty spectacular too. Lots of drinks with artisanal ice cubes, questionably sourced rim accoutrement, and six-to-twelve ingredients never before seen in libations, all served in kitschy glassware shaped like 'mini bird baths.'"

"Lots of drinks with artisanal ice cubes, questionably sourced rim accoutrement, and six-to-twelve ingredients never before seen in libations, all served in kitschy glassware shaped like 'mini bird baths.'"

"The Gilded Beak, have you heard of it? 'Urban aviary meets al fresco pretension,' the website says."

"They also have a twenty-nine-dollar Macaw-garita. I know you love tequila. And for five dollars more, they’ll even add it in."

FREE-RANGE VIBES

“Nothing makes me want to drink a fancy aesthetic cocktail more than what’s happening right now.”

"The cocktail menu looks pretty spectacular too. Lots of drinks with artisanal ice cubes, questionably sourced rim accoutrement, and six-to-twelve ingredients never before seen in libations, all served in kitschy glassware shaped like 'mini bird baths.'"

For @mcsweeneys.net, I wrote about That Cool New Instagrammable Bar in Your City that serves fun rooftop cocktails for $34 + tax, tip & a vibe fee—but it’s totally worth it to temporarily avoid The Horrors!!

"I heard the bar doesn’t call them 'bartenders' but 'feral mix masters,' and according to several reviews, they have 'major attitude problems.'"

With Trump Mobile, you get: - unlimited access to war plan group chats - nationwide coverage of conspiracy theories - the 5G network (gaslighting, greed, gullibility, guns & grifting)

“Her presence was one of the safest and most enchanting places you could ever visit on earth. She was my first call, my travel partner, and my existential compass. I never had to enter or exit her borders, because I was her world, and she was mine.” Thinking of her today & every single day. ❤️

I know what you’re thinking: “You guys seemed so happy.” Well, that’s because I Facetune smiles on John’s face.

Wrote this 8 years ago, still slaps

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. #CreationGoals #EarthIsBae Now the earth was formless and basic, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was lowkey hovering over the waters. And God said, “Let there be light,” and it was lit AF.

“For our first date, he told me I could pick the spot—anywhere my heart desired, as long as it was a business that had dismantled its DEI policies.”

7. We will witness an onslaught of clumsy international affairs. 8. There will be crimes in broad daylight, of course. 9. There will be fascinating, perplexing, and disturbing monologues by men.

This is absolutely perfect. No notes.

Recession indicator: Season 4 of The White Lotus will take place at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping

Made a protest sign to go along with my latest McSweeney’s piece.

- One is an HBO Original - The other, a USA unoriginal. My latest @mcsweeneys.net piece asks the very important question: THE WHITE HOUSE or THE WHITE LOTUS

Another @omgskr.bsky.social banger.

"Class, wealth, and power will be constantly explored in a way that seems humorous at first but is ultimately dispiriting and devastating."

Damn, boy, are you a tariff because I don’t want you anywhere near my goods

A right-wing romance novel??? In this economy??? My latest for @mcsweeneys.net might leave you more bothered than hot! www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/exc...

“The next morning, over Signal, he texted me how much fun he had the night before: 👊 🇺🇸 🔥. It was then I knew: the two of us—and the seven other guys in the group chat—would live happily ever after.”

You must read this. 😹

This is excellent Excerpts from a red hot right wing romance novel from @omgskr.bsky.social “We went back to my place, and he kissed me again with the passion of every aunt sharing an un-fact-checked Facebook post.” www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/exc...

“I moaned loudly, the way I do when I have to hear someone’s pronouns.”

A right-wing romance novel??? In this economy??? My latest for @mcsweeneys.net might leave you more bothered than hot! www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/exc...

“I was overwhelmed with lust. I traced his bare edges with my eyes, dazzled and amazed at how his body was shaped like a Cybertruck.”

“He had a sharp, strong jawline from years of clenching it every time someone mentioned universal health care.”

This from @omgskr.bsky.social is 100% gold none of us will ever be this good www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/exc...

Things footballs & I have in common: - goal oriented - interesting shape - harder to catch than you think - built to be held tightly in a strong man’s arms - not afraid to go out of bounds - moments away from spiraling

The best thing you can read in 2025 is the room

“Women are miraculous beings. The way we not only exist in these bodies that endure, but thrive in them despite.” Hard one to write but healing to put into words. Thank you for reading, if you do. ❤️ omgskr.substack.com/p/the-silver...

New Year’s hottest club is...Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies. VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!

Ghosting during the holidays?! That’s Big Dickens Energy

Things the moon & I have in common: - we go through phases - both have a dark side - can be full of ourselves - need lots of space - not a star (but star qualities) - more productive at night - can’t truly capture our beauty on an iPhone - only qualified men have been on us

Hot holiday gossip should be called peppermint tea

Skip recap. Skip intro. Skip episode. Skip show entirely. Skip a beat. Skip town. Skip out on all your responsibilities.

THREE wise men?!!? That makes no frankin sense! That’d definitely be a myrrh-ical. (This joke is gold.)

I can’t truly get in the holiday spirit until I sit on a bearded man’s lap & tell him what I want

It takes a village to run the Department of Government Efficiency. Two wrongs do make a right-wing conspiracy theorist. Wow, that costs an arm and an egg!

My latest!

If they don't have a favorite book, that's an unread flag.

18,000 followers on Twitter, 30,000 on Threads, 88,000 on Instagram, 0 on Bluesky — perfect.

Please, let me rest.