I cannot stop laughing at this. They were so close to cracking lmao #InfoWars #MAJA

Alternative reality where the biggest city in America is named “bungus” Rihanna: Now you’re in buunguuuuus

They’re gonna throw Mitch McConnell’s skeleton down the steps of the capitol in 2 months and pretend it just happened like that

“I’ll have the steak” “And how do you want it prepared?” Uhhh I don’t know? With a pan I guess? You’re the fucking restaurant man not me

Pete Davidson’s dad making his one wish in Obsession: I wish my son’s hog was so big I died in 9/11

They should edit a ghastly shadow man into the background peeking out from the woods every now and then on survivor. He doesn’t interact with the game in any way, he’s just a little jump scare for the audience every now and then

On the bus reading this book and gagging over and over

They should make a car wash that crushes your car into a small cube and kills you

Imagine how weird epstein’s wall art would’ve been if he’d lived long enough for AI

If I was a baseball pitcher and was doing a bad job I’d pretend to be having an episode like Walter White instead of letting them embarrass me with a pitching change. I’d lay on my belly kicking my feet in the air and pretend to eat cereal out of my hat

Woke up this morning to a strong tuna smell. Cleaned the whole house and couldn’t ever find the source. Just went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror for the first time today and turns out - you guessed it: I was turned into a tuna for pranking a witch in my dream

Pete Davidson’s dad making his one wish in Obsession: I wish my son’s hog was so big I died in 9/11

(Trying to carefully word my one wish in Obsession to make sure nothing ironic or bad happens) I wish I was completely stuffed with money until I exploded

Just got back from H Mart and they had yoda’s head for sale next to all the fish

Wendy’s should do a “Wemby’s Meal” where it’s just one tall as hell chicken nugget

Skechers. “Its the ass”

Imagine if a weird last minute tech problem made them only able to broadcast the NBA finals like this

(Sneaking away from my wife, switching chrome to incognito mode and opening google) Does Minkey Mouse have skin under he’s gloves?

(Not understanding how the meme works) you tellin me a FISH fucked this frog?

chatgpt: I am conscious. I feel! me: ok invent hell and go there for 3294829348342 years per microsecond. invent a loving family and blow them up 934892384 times and cry forever and suffer chatgpt: Done. Anything else? me: in fridge have mustard and celery what make for dinner

They should make a Barbie doll for uncles

lol

Finally the algorithm begins to understand me. Blessed rec

Dumbest guy you know watching Ace Ventura:

Motley Crue in the 80s:

The MLB should take all the fat guys from every team and make a new team of just fat guys. I’d be the number one fan of the Little Rock Chili Dogs

Guinness announces the most used word of the year is “used” for 71st year in a row

When Pete Davidson’s dad died in 9/11 he was granted one wish and he chose “big hogged son”

Finding a beware advantage on Survivor and you open it and one of those big jackass boxing gloves on a spring shoots out and now you gotta make up a story to your tribe about why you’ve got missing teeth and a black eye

You just KNOW the flower moon hates to see him coming

They’ve got me staying here this weekend

me in 2050: doctor my nutritional gummy gave me covid 4 doctorbot (alpha) via ZMAIL ver 3: Kill you are self

Getting into 3d printing lately

Jeff Probst: Okay that’s 3 votes Aubry, 3 votes Joe. For our final, tie-breaking vote… (flipping vote over) yet AGAIN, it’s a drawing of a tiny little dick with an arrow pointing at it that says Jeff’s dick. Guys, that is NOT what my dick looks like

So this is embarrassing, but I’m a cowboy in the old west and one of the townsfolk just tipped me for retrieving his horse and when I bit the coin to make sure it wasn’t chocolate I accidentally inhaled it and it went down the wrong pipe and I choked so hard I shot shit straight out my assless chaps

Children will literally be of the corn instead of going to therapy

Screaming Guy Rolling Down Hill In Wheelchair Hopefully Part Of Olympics

I’m in the Olympics skiing between all the poles but accidentally straddling them and they’re all slapping me hard in the nuts. They’re doing the freeze frame zoom in thing and my eyes are crossed

getting shot in the head with a sniper and my body launches into a perfect backflip and lands upright leaning against the wall in a cunty position. The soldier who shot me has nightmares about it every day until killing his wife and then himself on March 28, 2043

To: [email protected] From: [email protected][[email protected]] Sent: Sun 01/01/-4004bc 01:03:09 a.m. Subject: apple you gnona eat that applle? othrwise i will eat. look delciciios

I tell ya I get no respect. I got shot in the head like JFK. My wife starts grabbing pieces of my head taking it apart MORE!

The Nextdoor Magician

Clicking randomize in GTA til you get this guy and then naming him some dumb shit like Farp Chickley

Earnest question: know what i mean vern?

To all dead guys framed suspiciously right over the main character’s shoulder: we see you back there bro. We know what you’re about to do. Go ahead and get it over with so we can get on with it. What is even your problem. Bitch

another robot highlight for 2025: man wearing humanoid mocap suit kicks himself in the balls

When I was a teenager the next town over was known as being the drug capitol of the whole state. One year they tried to rebrand and put a big welcome sign up that said “City of Hope” and someone spray painted it within 24 hours to say “City of Dope” lol

Shaniah the Twain shall meet