getting shot in the head with a sniper and my body launches into a perfect backflip and lands upright leaning against the wall in a cunty position. The soldier who shot me has nightmares about it every day until killing his wife and then himself on March 28, 2043

Breaking: DHS Reveals the Leader of Antifa

To: [email protected] From: [email protected][[email protected]] Sent: Sun 01/01/-4004bc 01:03:09 a.m. Subject: apple you gnona eat that applle? othrwise i will eat. look delciciios

Every single ad on youtube now is either AI, crypto, or dog cremation services

Reality show pitch: we send everyone in the Epstein files back to the island with no food and no way of leaving. Whichever one survives the longest wins the grand prize: getting to go to prison for the rest of their life

ICE driving around Minneapolis posing for pics at every gas station like a Doom enemy hanging around explosive barrels all day

I tell ya I get no respect. I got shot in the head like JFK. My wife starts grabbing pieces of my head taking it apart MORE!

The Nextdoor Magician

Clicking randomize in GTA til you get this guy and then naming him some dumb shit like Farp Chickley

Earnest question: know what i mean vern?

To all dead guys framed suspiciously right over the main character’s shoulder: we see you back there bro. We know what you’re about to do. Go ahead and get it over with so we can get on with it. What is even your problem. Bitch

another robot highlight for 2025: man wearing humanoid mocap suit kicks himself in the balls

The NBA should do one of these but with Everybody Loves Raymond. #doitwithraymond

House of a Thousand Corpses? You know it smelled crazy in there!! I have lost everything that once made me feel loved

When I was a teenager the next town over was known as being the drug capitol of the whole state. One year they tried to rebrand and put a big welcome sign up that said “City of Hope” and someone spray painted it within 24 hours to say “City of Dope” lol

Shaniah the Twain shall meet

Drive thrus absolutely love to have a little leaf tornado in them

Looked up the symptoms of dehydration and the number one thing listed was “thirst”. Shut the fuck up

You watch one clip of a Japanese guy playing arc raiders and suddenly twitter thinks you’re one of these guys

Here’s a joke my 5 year old told me today. You know why they don’t let dogs be in the surgery room at the hospital? Because they’d eat all the bones when you took them out of them

1950s crime novelist trying to describe a handsome guy: He had a face only a everybody could love