Need Philip Rivers to have a big game

Imagine going deep in the playoffs every year for almost a decade and then shitting the bed and missing the playoffs all together! F’in’ losers! Sucks to suck!

Welp. Looks like I’m about to get eliminated in Fantasy Football. Who’ll break it to my mom that we’re not going to China River for our Christmas dinner?

Not the same, but very similar

Not a death penalty guy, but “cybercriminals” need to go.

I wonder if the Mets would be interested in a Christian Walker?

Enjoy the off season with your very pretty and very talented billionaire girlfriend, Travis Kelce, you f**kin’ loser.

That was dumb. #Analysis

If you decline a bowl invitation—for whatever reason—you shouldn’t get invited to a bowl the following year.

My mom’s boyfriend, Glen: “Did you pee in my CPAP water chamber again?” Me, a Republican senator: “I haven’t had a chance to review the specifics about this particular issue.”

Media: “How do you feel about the 2017 Houston Astros scandal?” Me, a Republican senator: “I haven’t had a chance to review the specifics about this particular issue.”

It’s hard to impress me. I’m a 5x winner of the Orel Hershiser Award for Online Sportsmanship, 2x winner of the Arby’s Man of the Year Award, Arby’s Hall of Fame Inductee c/o ‘19, and Sweetest and Most Handsome Boy I Know according to my mama.

I decorated my mom’s Ford Taurus with Christmas lights and left it on all afternoon. Now the car won’t start and she’s going to miss Bingo Night with the girls. I’ve never seen her so pissed.

I’ve been lined up outside of this Best Buy since 5PM and haven’t seen a single person—no one in line, no one in the parking lot, no one at all. What’s going on, Pasadena? Are we doing this Black Friday thing or not?

Post something random or you’ll have an awful December

Wow! Chocolate chip, snickerdoodle, AND sugar cookies? That’s quite a Listeria!

I am so excited about the Arby’s Christmas Party… I hope someone brings their Grok.

everyone at the party five seconds after I prompt Grok to use the naughtiest words it knows

🎵I'm bout that down-south city, where they show no pity, Candy paint be lookin' pretty, makin' haters feel shitty 🎶

I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow a bunch of commie liberals to move into my red state and try to make my public schools better!

I hope Tennessee never wins a game again. Enjoy your miserable afternoon, you team-stealing sacks of shit.

Counterpoint:

Republican Party Democratic Party 🤝 Lemon Party

I’m hearing from a reliable source that they also did the *checks notes* “ass to ass thing from Requiem for a Dream.”

I just got home from Arby’s and am heading about some dick sucking among presidents. Can some explain to me what’s going on?

All these folks are getting their feathers in a ruffle—come on, yall all knew dude was a weirdo when he was talking about “grab em by the pussy.”

Donald Trump went from “Celebrity Apprentice” to “Celebrity To Catch a Predator.”

My guess is that this presidency ends on TikTok when Donald Trump is beaten up at a Walmart by a group called The Pred Squad.

My neighbor still has a Trump sign in her yard. Does she know she voted for a straight-up pedophile?

I sure hope the people trying to take insurance away from sick people and food away from poor people will somehow feel shame for lying to Maggie Hassan.

Me when someone gets the wrong order: “Bitch, have you ever even been inside an Arby’s? You have no idea how this shit works!”

DONALD TRUMP: [asleep, drooling on long red tie] SENATE DEMOCRATS: fine, we give in

Why can’t we find middle ground with the people who want to deprive us of healthcare? Why can’t we work with people who want to take food from poor people?

This deal is so bad that Mookie Betts is somehow now with the Senate Republicans.

Democrats are as stupid as Republicans are cruel.

That’s my quarterback! #QB1

Finish this sentence: With the first pick in the draft, the Houston Texans select ________________.

It’s “Mr. McCormick,” if you’re Chasty.

CNN ANCHOR: As President Trump's approval ratings drop, how can Democrats harness the protest movements we see today? HAKEEM JEFFRIES: Well I call him President Parachute Pants ok? Too much ballroom. Yet he's fumbling the ball of protecting healthcare. So I urge all Americans to obey federal agents.

Rest now, brother. We have the watch. And I will see you in Valhalla. 🫡

He’d keep his mouth shut! He’s no rat.

Republicans fantasize about Donald Trump having a front row seat when Chuck sheepishly lowers his boxers, exposing his dick and balls? Does Donald get naked in the fantasy, too? It’s not enough for Republicans to beat us at the polls—they want to beat us at the poles!

Both the Dodgers and Blue Jays have a lot to be proud of. That being said, the 2017 Houston Astros would beat both of these teams in four games (with cheating) and five games (without cheating).

I think I’m about to lose my steak nuggets. #Arbys

Sucks that Toronto has to be in Canada and Dallas has to be in Texas. Wish it was the other way around

Max Scherzer is having his Tony Micelli moment. #AngelsInTheOutfield

OH SHIT! DID YALL JUST SEE THE STEAK NUGS COMMERCIAL DURING THE WORLD SERIES?!?!?

The stage is too big for Shohei.

I miss George Springer so much.