"I'm not in Minnesota -- what can I do to help?" A list of ideas!

Come on yall. Buy some tickets.

Sometimes walking down the street you see the hottest person you’ve ever seen, but I’ve seen the guy who pooped his pants at the train station twice this week

Guys come over we’re having pizza.

I ordered dinner to be delivered and the place said they might use autonomous vehicles to deliver my food (in the rain) and would give me instructions for retrieval. It did not happen and allegedly a person dropped it off, but am I responsible for tipping a driverless car or robot?

We don’t talk about our heating bills nearly enough.

I just like posts. Then I can go back and look at them if I need to revisit. Somehow this is the only one that I saved. How interesting. Maybe I was supposed to stay tuned. Thank you, Phil.

I bet all the other Peanut kids deserved to have a Christmas story about them too.

Post a Famous Bathroom Scene

It’s soup season, motherfuckers!

I’ll be watching this 5,000 times

I think the best magic trick would be a clean shaven guy who comes out, waves a handkerchief in front of his face, and suddenly he has a full mustache. Hey, where’d that mustache come from?

Every time Matt Damon goes into space.

Start the year off right.

A lot of you eat those beans as your first meal of the year for good luck, but I just found a candy cane in my pocket, so LOOK OUT, WORLD.

To all my haters, eat a bag of dicks in 2026.

What up, nerds? I’m eating all my favorite things and watching rubbish to end the year.

Pebble hail. That’s what’ll wash this year away.

The Prime Directive

I’m not wrapping presents this year. Instead I am up late making beef Wellingtons, cauliflower cheese, maple chess pie, cranberry nantucket pie, roasted Brussels sprouts, and bread service for dinner tomorrow. Please say a prayer for the gammon joint that has been brining for three weeks.

See? Other people know the truth. Thank you, Puddle Oops.

Just remembered pre-Mean Girls I did go to summer camp with the son of the inventor of Toaster Strudel. I called bullshit four years later when I saw the movie and promptly forgot about it for decades until right now.

Fuck no.

Blessings this holiday season. youtu.be/lMxlBTGciuI?...

Holy shit yessssss

Mr. @rianjohnson.bsky.social sir, the people cry out for Isaac pretending to listen to Blanc while he adjusts a gardenia in his lapel. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Okay, this episode of Columbo might be the most star studded one yet.

Made too many Christmas cookies

A lot of people are going to miss John Cena. Don’t worry. He’ll always be there for you.

So a friend listening to Joey Sweeney on Sleepy Hollow this morning said that he said Fiona Apple’s Extraordinary Machine was a holiday song based on the sound, so I decided to pair it with Vera-Ellen’s dance in White Christmas and I think it checks out. Cut at 3 minutes due to Bluesky.

Last Action Hero

I thought I’d make holiday cookies, start with an easy one I’ve made. Peanut butter. Why doesn’t anyone do peanut butter jelly cookies like a thumbprint? Oh because they turn out blobby.

Bad morning to my haters. Have fun being dumb jerks, you clowns.

I found out this week that I'm being laid off from my design job at the end of the year. ☹️ My partner's got a job, we have savings, it's not dire. But if you've ever wanted books or prints from me: sarahbecan.square.site or shirts or totes: sarahbecan.threadless.com ...now is a great time. 🙂

I dare the colts to try out Colin Kaepernick.

Barry Williams, television’s Greg Brady, has a wife called Tina Mahina. I love this for him. It sounds like a subplot eventuality from when the family went to Hawaii and he fell in love with a girl at a luau.

youtu.be/H6Q4s_ZdvAQ?... This is the song of the year

I’m here to tell you that one excellent way to celebrate our escape from the imperialist British regime for thanksgiving is to bastardize the coronation chicken salad recipe by using leftover turkey.

Quixote, it's me, I'm Sancho, I've come home, I'm so co-o-o-old, let me in-a your windmill

Really disheartening to find that the kids at work do not know who Dirt McGirt is.

Ope. On the hunt for a ham today.

I read this message as shouted in the voice of Craig Finn.

When I was a teenager I knew someone who was in an all fat Fugazi cover band called Fatguyzi

My least favorite aunt and her new boyfriend came to Thanksgiving today.

“But tim, you’re not hosting Thanksgiving!” I just like to share.

NYTimes pitchbot: The world wasn’t ready for Chris Gaines, but thirty years on, his son is hitting the scene by storm. Say hello to Mr. Fantasy.

I did not yell at anyone this Thanksgiving. The closest I came was chastising a bro for trying to ask ChatGPT how to cook a turkey. In front of me, a butcher. Thanksgiving week.

Computer, cook whole turkey