apparently Jonathan Tiersten, who delivered the best line in horror, has died

you fuckin stupid or what??

Judging you harder than ALT tonight

My favorite late-nineteenth-century president is Maytheforth B. Withew.

Star Wars is bad, but the new ones are just as good as the old ones because they played to the lessened imagination of a new generation with flashy effects.

Post your warning sign:

I would put all my money on a horse named Balki because he believes in himself.

Okay but hear me out-Spirit airlines wasn’t exponentially worse than any other airlines. You got the same experience for $150 less, but you didn’t get a package of those windmill cookies. Everything else still sucks.

HOPE ALL YOU CUCUMBER GARDENERS HAVE YOUR NAKED YOUNG MEN HARD AT WORK RIGHT NOW

Jesus Christ the audacity of older white guys ordering drinks at the bar.

Without blah blah where are you blah blah.

I miss when you had to wait to catch up on news at work on Monday because you didn’t get the Sunday morning paper.

Thank you, Bluesky, for reminding me I had Russell Brand muted forever on Twitter.

I’ve never seen a Tyler Perry movie, but I just flipped channels to catch a heavily made up character farting at Cicely Tyson. Have I seen enough?

He already left Chicago. Not welcome in New York. Pushed out mostly to Miami, where all the fraudulent businesses go.

I thought I saw you on the street but it was just someone else with a nice butt.

Proper.

This is a dance off. You know the rules.

Once again, don’t ride a scooter through Wrigley during game time.

Did I NEED these record store day releases? Well…kind of. And those other things? Uh…yeah? Yes?

Join me in watching Big Trouble in Little China. This movie slaps

Sorry, I only take opinions about sports from someone who shoots over 50% from the free throw line.

What is the true one hit wonder song? As in, nobody can name a single other song from the band?

“You might say we are all passengers on Spaceship Earth.”

They need better color commentary for this. Like just have Alabama native Charles Barkley narrate it.

Bone broth but for dogs.

Every time someone goes to the moon, they should be able to come back and give one executive order. “You did WHAT while I was gone? Motherfucker’s gonna make me use my free wish on that? Christ, what an asshole.”

who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Is this easier than having to teach your kids that Kyle has two moms?

My new book comes out today! 🎉 Let's Make Cocktails!, a comic book cocktail book, is on sale today at your favorite local independent bookstore and comics shop! www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/771958...

Don’t forget to set your Doomsday Clocks back ten more seconds tonight.

Hello yes I’m sexting on Easter.

This is why you don’t dress your butter like a lamb. Dogs think it’s for them.

What better way is there to celebrate Easter weekend than by hiding your shame from God? But in a vegan way, of course. foodisstupid.substack.com/p/vegan-orto...

I don’t know how long this mission is but 58 tortillas does not seem like enough. Maybe they’re using that extra stowage for tampons this week.

Oh I fucking love this.

The only acceptable use for AI is writing a song that Better Than Ezra has to sing about being so crap at writing songs for thirty years that we can now add AI to the ever growing list of things that are truly Better Than Ezra.

It’s so nice out here today and I just want to say that everyone frolicking around outside for the spring looks lovely.

If you see this, post a concert photo you took.

Tiger Woods is the Cuba Gooding Jr of golf.

Mark my words. 2026 World Champion Milwaukee Brewers.

These brits were onto something with the jacket potato.