Pavlov's dong

hi i'm ron corleone and this is my dad don corleone

Everyone should subscribe (and pay for) @fartsandwich.bsky.social's foodisstupid.substack.com, not least for the suffering he went through in tasting today's "cock"tail sans ICE. We all need a laugh in these times.

This morning I heard someone flying down our fucking street, in front of our home, blowing on a whistle, screaming, "ICE AQUI, ICE AQUI!" They were frantic and I heard their voice fading down the way, still shouting, still whistling frantically. I don't know what ended up happening. I'm haunted.

CANADA IS TAKING SHOTS AT CHICAGO

One day I want to have the confidence of the kind of a man who takes a horrific dump in an airport bathroom

Just sitting here remembering that there's a drink out there called an "Irish car bomb"

New Costco food court hack: Put all the hot dogs up your ass

this is my son...nestor.,

i have diarrhea

Small talk isn't its strong suit so far

A crossover hit for my Chicago & Cincinnati friends.

My newsletter rules. That is all. foodisstupid.substack.com/p/skyline-ch...

lol

it's time to be industry disruptors

Cracker Barrel should announce they're changing their logo again tomorrow just to fuck with the shareholders

Oh we could probably use a few hands now that I think about it but we can feed you hot dogs later

Chicago is TOTAL MAYHEM and CHAOS and because old white guys who are so SCARED and have never been here, obviously this place is so DANGEROUS. In fact, it's so dangerous my tiny Korean mom keeps asking us to take her downtown to go play!!! Watch out Oakley-wearing guys she's gonna get you!

I can't wait to see what type of videos show up on Twitter after these come out

French fries are American kimchi

So this is where we're currently at

"My Source Now Opinion World." Someone totally ran that through a random word generator

This is how we're gonna find the Epstein files

Lactaid is to help you lactate right

This is easily the funniest actual news article I've read in years "'We went past our time a little bit,' LaMalfa said as he concluded the town hall. 'I appreciate all your comments here,' LaMalfa said as one man repeatedly shouted 'F--- you, Doug!'" abcnews.go.com/Politics/gop...

Here try my new shampoo product, "Ass And Shoulders"

In case you're hungry, you know foodisstupid.substack.com/p/jellied-ee...

fart-washed cocktails

As soon as you use the word "whimsy" to describe a restaurant it's over

Colbert once quoted a piece of mine on air one night and it made me feel like people actually read my shit. Man, this is so pathetic.

Little Caesars pizza is so cheap that if they sold it by the slice they'd actually owe you money

Bring the Snack Wrap back

BRB passing out stool samples at Costco

Is it too early to be googling "what's inside a wart"

Delighted to appear on the awesome culinary podcast TASTE with host @mattrodbard.bsky.social to discuss all my crazy food endeavors! Link is podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/t...

What if the real twist is that RFK has autism

Why ISN'T there a James Beard Award category for “Butt Stuff?”

In case taco dip is too spicy for you...

If I go to Walgreens and buy nothing but diarrhea medication, I hope it's not obvious why I'm buying the diarrhea medication

It is almost 1 AM. I have intense diarrhea and cannot sleep. Must stay vigilant, for by dawn, no one knows what this may bring. I love you all. -- Captain Fart Sandwich, Ass Battalion 69 420 Division Rear Admiral signing out.

This or That: Balls or Ass Edition

That's reassuring

How long till someone leaks any more plans on Signal

I did not know I could FEEL myself getting dumber but here we go

My favorite part about this image is that someone deliberately picked it to be published on the news

Still searching for a Father's Day gift? Is your father loving but sorta out of it? Yes? Maybe? Have I got the book for you! The patriarch in The Reeds is all of the above. And amazed in every possible way by his kids. Available everywhere books are sold. Print, e- and audio.