My debut book of comics is officially LIVE for PREORDER!

That is not the worst case; that is the most mild probable case.

We really do need to hammer home reducing police budgets and using them to bolster teacher salaries immediately. The fact we have these massive goon squads playing candy crush all day at their jobs meanwhile teachers are having to get second incomes is frankly embarrassing as a rich country.

It's super easy to prove that Republican policy makes every factor of rural and suburban life worse but on other hand, there's a lady with a rainbow pin at the local Starbucks so who knows.

It’s easy to think that expecting everyone to act with decency wa wa huge oversight but just like outlawing slavery first thing, people were beating that drum 250 years ago and it also got kicked down the road.

A cute lil pet name for my daughter would be her favorite kind of donut.

His haircut cost him so much aura man. He’s gone full cutie patootie.

I hate war and I know I'm powerless to do anything about it. No war in my lifetime has been swayed by an antiwar movement. Every war in my lifetime has been broadly bipartisan. It's horrible it's stupid it's a horrific loss of life and it just keeps happening for no good reason

Every morning I wake up, take my picture of Trump out of my wallet, and say “where’s my money you fat fuck?”

No really, fuck everybody but Mirabel in that movie.

"Too many Christians are no longer fishers of men, but the keepers of the aquarium" -- Paul Harvey

I like to imagine my car as a great lumbering beast of burden and when I honk at people he’s lowing at them.

The neighbor kid saw me walking Bear and started going “meeooowww” You’re gonna be four soon, get your shit together.

Do you think Pope Leo knows he can just tell 1 Billion people “go arrest Donald Trump” and the gotta do it? What’s the point of being an infallible priest-king in a golden palace if you can’t get rid of one Head of State?

Oh no did someone let him know he’s the most hated man alive? ☹️

I keep seeing Nuremberg mentioned and it's so sad to me people broadly think nuremberg was at all a success lol.

I've been saying this a lot but I fully expect tomorrow's SOTU to potentially be a "The king is not wearing any clothes" moment. We're all familiar with his old man brain getting even more old man, but I really do think tomorrow will be a lot of people's first exposure to it in a long time.

[WITCHES stirring a cauldron labeled “BlueSky,” chanting:] Discourse, Discourse, bubble in spate, Tell us the topic we must debate! WITCH 1: Wait, shouldn’t we be using a rice cooker? WITCH 2: You don’t brew your potion on the stove? WITCH 3: How do you put in the ghee? WITCH 1: Open the lid?

If the tariffs are paid back to US companies I will fully believe this was a planned transfer of wealth all along

People look at you like you’re so stupid if you get two celebrities mixed up, but we were never formally introduced. It’s just some guy you talk about.

Me to Bear: “I do love you, you just gotta shut the fuck up sometimes.”

To be a middle-aged woman in a niche hobby group…

Livetweeting from @2ndshiftbrewing.bsky.social’s CaskFest on my 20th 1/12 of a beer.

I feel like directors come up with a vaguely Eastern European funny character, their poor casting director brings in a slew of funny Russian actors, but then they go “mmmmm that doesn’t sound quite right 🧐” and so they go and get Nick Kroll again. Still racist tho

Not sure what the problem is, but I’m pretty sure the solution will involve hydrocortisone

My sister’s bathrobe makes her look like a Russian noblewoman.

This President’s Day, arrest him.

The accordion is the bastard child of the harpsichord and bagpipes, resulting in the concertina’s hot cousin.

Damn, literally

this fucking pig is sweating buckets lol

personally, i think it might be bad that our political systems seem to have been run by nonces forever

Remember school picture day? That's LifeTouch.

Still a weird crucifix imo

Knockoff brands are fun, but knockoffs who are on thing ice are the best.

Kid Rock is so sad that if he hadn’t’ve talked about being a pedo in it, “Cool Daddy Cool” would be his best song.

I have been informed that my mother’s surgery will be handled by The Ortho Boys.

i love that for the average american, activism is just watching TV the correct way

I saw a news article that said there was a controversy around Adam Sandler's behavior last night and it's that he was wearing a Patriots hat.

No Kings includes Draft Kings

“A person who hates the culture of of their mission field is not a missionary, but a colonizer.” —Caleb Campbell “Disarming Leviathan”

Me to Bear: “don’t just whimper, you’re a grown man with over 200 children.”

This President’s Day, arrest him.

when they go low, we say ok that's fine but we don't like it

Ask not for whom the replyguy simps. He simps for thee…

Conservative voters don't want Trump arrested because they know if he [REDACTED] their daughters there's [robably some financial gain for them.

so crazy to me that a woman asked trump if he has any words for epstein's victims and he said "you as a young woman should smile more." it will go nowhere bc republicans refuse to hold trump accountable, but it's still pretty crazy.

The horror in his voice leading to the most resigned "I'm prepared to go forward with it" He was so mortified, but still a consummate professional.