Paul Dano for the biopic I CALLED IT FIRST

Bloated with delicious goose fat, I now lie in a swinish torpor on the sofa, gazing slack-jawed and imbecilic at the unmoving home page of the TV, currently displaying a carousel of stills from Poldark (the hot version)

I would like to - well, “thank” is too neutral a word, perhaps “weep tears of adoring gratitude to” Past Me, for wondering if leftover goose would make good rillettes, despite never having made rillettes before, and idly having a go last Sunday. Present Me considers her a true friend and inspiration

Today’s look: calvinist Hobbes Today’s perfume: mixed pickle Today’s earworm: Dandelion Today’s mood:

He went round to her flat to ask her out, but she was already out on a date with another man, so in a rage he left the whole salmon he’d brought her as a courting gift on her doorstep, wrapped in newspaper, and stormed off, this was 25 years ago though

KITCHENWARE COMPANY BOSS: So, did you come up with a name for that revolving food tray, Susan? SUSAN: No, couldn't be arsed.

Look, IT’S STILL ONLY FRIDAY THOUGH

I post this lying on the sofa with a heated blanket on my carcass, a martini in my hand, rewatching Schitt’s Creek. LFG

Today’s look: shoes off, heating on Today’s perfume: Berocca Today’s earworm: Kids In America Today’s mood:

The French for table tennis players is 'le pongiste'. The French for International table tennis day is 'La journée mondial du ping'. Chapeau.

Hangover status: weakly and pathetically singing “full fat Coke” to the tune of Van Morrison’s Full Force Gale

I am adding for clarity: the very beautiful cat is not my cat

Woken by a very beautiful cat shoving half his head into my mouth because he had decided I was going to get his 7am breakfast. Hello 2026! 🎉

Happy New Year from Roy Keane! No obv it isn’t

Now I have a wordworm

Off to NYE in the frosty midNorth and I have just discovered the hire car HAS HEATED SEATS <heart eyes emoji the size of a house>

Today’s look: bring it Today’s perfume: cast out the old Today’s earworm: Oblivious Today’s mood:

Aged 19, on the tube home late at night, and a revolting creep sat next to me (carriage 80% empty) and offered me his watch. Two women silently walked over, helped him (politely) to his feet, escorted him off the train, made sure he didn’t get back on, smiled, walked away. I still think of them ❤️🩷

Go round the outside.

Man shall not live by bread alone, but I remain optimistic about women and trifle

WEEKEND AT GURNEY’S

SHE DUNE HIM WRONG

I always tell students if you ask a good question the article will write itself

Today’s look: meh Today’s perfume: hotsy totsy Today’s earworm: Lifeliiiiine Today’s mood:

I’m a comic book writer whose apartment, on my death, is found to be so full of pornographic magazines that the two of my colleagues sent to clear it have panic attacks and set it on fire rather than deal with it

My personal theory: anyone from ANY big city in the world knows how to behave on public walkways/transport (not blocking stairs, doorways, pavements etc) in any OTHER big city in the world, wayyyyyyy better than people from 50 miles outside cities in their own country

He once played Kowalski in A Streetcar Named Desire at Oldham Rep, and told The Stage: “On the first night I took my T-shirt off and wiped myself down with it, and a man in the front row was sick” (but mostly I wanted to share this link for the preview image)

Wasn’t expecting an eight box delivery, but on the plus side this turned up for me 🎉

Today’s look: neither fish nor fowl Today’s perfume: neither Washington nor Moscow Today’s earworm: Till You Take My Love Today’s mood:

Tube blows whistle in jaunty way as it approaches and slows. When I look up, the driver is waving and beaming at everyone on the platform. It is impossible not to smile back. That’s not the worst start to an unwelcome Monday

Meanwhile this is *machine learning* and what it is *good at*. Not generative AI bullshit, actual useful predictive statistical models. www.theguardian.com/society/2025...

Always good to keep in mind that Guardian has a partnership with OpenAI.

Share a great female villain

Today’s look: school night Today’s perfume: laundry Today’s earworm: Where Love Lives Today’s mood:

You can pretend to have your shit together if you want. They don’t really check

Goodness ME, Oxford, what a lot of fashy flags you have on your roundabouts for a town that prides itself on its reputation for intelligence

Today’s look: filial Today’s perfume: sober Today’s earworm: Stabat Mater Dolorosa Today’s mood:

The opportunity for a period of quiet, sober reflection between the excesses of Christmas and the revelry of New Year’s Eve can easily be avoided by continuing to drink.

Enlarged In The Butt Area By The Continued Utility Of Human Lipids After Death, an erotic novel

Rendering goose fat in the side oven, speaking of my grandmother. She always seemed to have something rendering in the side oven

My grandmother’s mother, to my then-teenage grandmother: “and yet you were such a pretty baby”

On Her Majesty’s Secret Santa

Watching THE GREEN KNIGHT again

My son bought me what I thought was a drill. Turned out to be a toblerone gaffer-taped to a bottle of Bailey’s.

Today’s look: canapé/leftover Today’s perfume: garlic Today’s earworm: Disco Baby Sexy Baby Hot Today’s mood:

Le tabernacle, if you will ⚜️

I had forgotten about Constable Visit-The-Infidel-With-Explanatory-Pamphlets #Hogfather

Top tip: nothing gets goose fat off your hands except washing up liquid. Sod your fancy handwash. Suck it up and moisturise heavily afterwards