i’ve discovered ways to feel inferior that you motherfuckers don’t even have access to. and in the way ultimately i am better than you

honoring my late father’s memory by being truly desperate for male approval

i’ve never started a sentence and then cut myself off with “no i can’t say that out loud” without full intentions of saying that out loud

having a sex dream you can’t even tell the group chat about is a prison i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy

i love them they are so tall irl @drawfeeshow.com @julialepetit.bsky.social @jacobandrews.bsky.social @atnathanyaffe.bsky.social

has “hey thickums! love that thickness! can i have that number?” ever worked as a pick up line? asking for a catcaller with lowkey gay voice

just spent a really long awkward time trying to figure out where i know someone from and it was from being janeane garafolo

sure i may not seem cool right now but you should see how cool i seem when everyone in the room already thinks i’m cool

horrified to report that everywhere you go you take yourself

nobody on this airplane is paying attention to the safety presentation. i’m gonna have to save them all myself

asked for steak at chipotle and she said “the good one or the regular one?”

simple plan was like i didn’t get a phone call between 7 and 11 am. nobody cares and i’m alone in the world

if i meet someone who’s 25-27 I’m GONNA mention the movie sky high. for clout

if poetry open mics were at 3 am i wouldn’t have a close friends story

poetry open mics should be at 2 am

I hate being a room of all gay people. It's like, no, I'm not out of my element. I'm just bad at talking to people

gonna say “remember that one time we made out?” to someone i shouldn’t tonight

uber driver isnt playing the 3 niche songs i want to listen to right now. disappointed. 5 stars

every fall i buy a new black cardigan and every spring i lose it on the first warmish day

when you grew up in a “don’t worry about paying me back” household but now you don’t have “don’t worry about paying me back” money <<<<

“i was OP so they nerfed me” - me when i’m a little sniffly so i can’t get drunk on a weeknight with my friends

this is my impression of the funny one in the friend group talking to the quiet one in the friend group, outside the venue before a booked show: you should go up and do a tight 5

problematic nomenclature aside, the concept of “pimping” in improv is so silly. it’s like mom can you come pick me up my improv scene partner is making me make stuff up on the spot

when you think about it “you shouldn’t take medical advice from the president” has always been true we just used to not really have to say it

looking for music recommendations. my taste is songs that i already like

man i have so many problems that would be solved if therapy was real

got cut off by a woman with a “my other car is a TARDIS” bumper sticker. what could you possibly in a hurry for

what did people do with their hands while dancing in the club before they invented one hand drink one hand cellphone + vape

4 am uber should not say “good morning.” oh you think you’re better than me?

me about the situationship every time

be honest. are you guys only hanging out with me because of my vaguely worrisome Close Friends Story presence

donald trump is mia because he got fired from snl. or some other easy joke to make.

hey sorry i just picked up my phone for the first time this week. donald trump is engaged to travis kelce?????

hey sorry i just picked up my phone for the first time this week. taylor swift was fired from SNL?????

the only thing more boring than “taylor swift is good” is “taylor swift is bad”

when you initiate a group game and no one joins you it’s because they want you dead

improv tip: if someone initiates a scene with object work, join them onstage to say “you’re doing it wrong”

was absolutely read for filth by improv legend mick napier today

mom can you pick me up they’re telling inexperienced improvisers we don’t need to follow rules

we do kind of a deconstructed Harold. it’s 9ish scenes in any order where themes and characters may recur or not. and there might be a group game!

you don’t realize until you have to do object work that you don’t know how to do anything or what anything looks or feels like

[guy who “hates game-based improv”] so what i do is i give my character what’s called a DEAL

in the trenches @ the annoyance

“keep your head still, i’ll be your thrill” is such a threat

8-year-old in real life: hi 8-year-old in an improv scene: I’m only 8 years old!!!!!

i don’t know what improviser needs to hear this but my 25-year-old character’s name is probably not sally

some of you guys are like “she’s NOT even that PRETTY!!” “how dare that woman with POOR PERSON EYES promote eugenics???” how DARE that woman with a SKULL SIZE and SHAPE that would be UNFAVORABLE in a selective breeding process to design a SUPERIOR RACE promote EUGENICS???

asked the psychic why i’ve been having so many weird sex dreams and she interpreted that i was “horny” - has anyone heard of this?

just realized the drawfee stream vod i was on has 46,000 views why did i think it would be like 1500